My W is still over her friend's house. She called today and we chatted. I'm afraid our conversations aren't interesting anymore. When she calls its to "check in."
I missed her being in bed last night. I missed being able to put my arm around her. I missed the opportunity to validate her feelings. Worst of all I fear what she will be like when she comes home.
She will have spent a few days with the OM (EA)in her life. Because of their friendship, he will have had more fun with her than I could. He will be there to listen to her problems. He will have the chance to alone.
For now, Fixer. The OM can be her friend for now. While other factors can play into how well or how badly their relationship can go, usually affairs fail. The important thing is to avoid giving them any reason to be closer, that is to provide something that can be supportive of each other and have a common "threat".
I can read how much you are hurting and it hurts me to see someone else go through this kind of pain. But as kindred spirits, I want to say to stand firm, be loving anyway and kind to her even when you don't want to. I am not saying to be a doormat. No one respects a door mat but make sure you don't move to the opposite side entirely. Do not be harsh. After all, you do love her, right?
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I've been at this for a while. When the OM moved away it took the pressure off. Last year when she went to visit him, I shrugged it off. I made sure I was busy so when she called I didn't have long to talk. This afternoon when she called my attitude was upbeat. I wish our R could evolve into something more.
Our D10 is starting to act up more and more. I know its normal for her age, but sometimes I want to run away. I keep telling myself she's making it easier to leave. Then we'll have a redeeming moment where it's calm again.
I understand about how the ups and downs can affect you and make you want to run away too. Of course, our sanity comes back and we realize that we are the only stabilizing influence that our children may have. And, as you know, they are worth every frustrating moment, whether it is from our spouse or from our children.
The biggest challenge is to avoid being pulled into the drama. We almost need to remove ourselves, mentally and therefore emotionally, from the situation.
If I am going by at least the date you have registered, you have been dealing with this for 1 1/2 years longer than I have and deserve much credit for dealing with the madness.
Hang in there. If not for anyone else that D10.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Since my W was away my D10 I spent my scheduled night off together. She told me how sad she was that her mom was away. Then she asked if I was sad. I told her it would be nice if mom was home. Then D10 let me in on how she views my R with my W. She said I think mom likes you, but not alot. The she said I think you L mom. I asked why she thought this way. Well you and mom fight all the time she said. I told her how adults don't always agree on the same things. That when we fight we're fighting for something we feel is important. After that I didn't know what to say. Then D10 said, she thinks mom likes me alot but not a real lot.
Just as we pulled into the driveway, D10 spoke up one more time. She said that she doesn't think mom L's her. I asked if she thought I L'd her and she said yes. Then I told her that people show their L in different ways. She sais so Mom really L's me when she's yelling at me to brush my hair. I told her it was something like that.
As I tucked her into bed last night she told me she was afraid something bad was going to happen to mom's plane. I did my best to ease her worries.
I agree with Karen, you are a good father. You can't make that stuff up. It shows how good of a heart you have and why it is breaking over what is happening.
Fixer, something that I believe in every fiber of my being is that no matter what happens, I will not consider (although I may temporarily) what I have had to do as a waste of time. I know I could look at time I could be in the company of someone else as missed opportunities but I won't because things happen when they happen. The one regret I don't want to have is that I felt that I didn't take time to get to the more important things in my life such as my children, other family members and positive pursuits.
Take care buddy! It is worth it!
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Sometimes I get the feeling I'm raising D10 alone. I try to provide her with some structure and be there to listen. She's getting older and at times moody. I'm having trouble adjusting to her mood swings and I need her mom's help more than ever.
I think my W is peaking her head out of the MLC tunnel, but I've said that before. Let's hope she's there to help our D10. I can see she has a different attitude to our D, but I don't know if things will change between me and her.
I can relate to your dilemma more than you know. I have a D that turned 16 a couple of months ago. My W left before she left, that is she was busy working on her Masters in Counseling for nearly two years prior to leaving the family.
The last time our D had her mom full-time was three years ago. When my W left, she quit being a mom. This was hard on the kids because she was one of the best mom's I have ever known. My mom is a great mom and I had friends with great mothers but my W was impressive.
Our D looked up to her and for good reason. Now, she is alone in a house of men. I have two sons and she frequently jokes a male dog, a male cat and a male lizard. Even her favorite aunt (my Ws sister) has not stayed in touch with her.
I am impressed with the strength my D shows. She is still hopeful about Rs, she is loyal to her mom and me, she loves God and is a good friend to others. I do wish she was better at cleaning her room, taking care of the dog (the dog is hers) and doing her chores but she is a precious child.
At the same time, she gets depressed easily. Her mom lives very close to her but spends such little time with her. I could give you countless examples of stories where my W missed out on excellent opportunities to spend quality time with our D. Instead my W has made damaging comments to our D and behind our Ds back to our sons, only for our D to get an update by her brothers.
My point is, there is nothing you can do about what your W does or doesn't do. It hurts us to see our children miss out on a parent they love so much. Instead, it forces us to become a single parent of sorts to deal with all of the issues our children face. The one thing that will help you with all situations is to deal with your D with love. If she upsets you, correct her but do it with love. If she does something positive, take notice and do it with love.
She needs more attention, whether it be for praise or for correction, than ever before but make sure that love is always present.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
My point is, there is nothing you can do about what your W does or doesn't do. It hurts us to see our children miss out on a parent they love so much. Instead, it forces us to become a single parent of sorts to deal with all of the issues our children face. The one thing that will help you with all situations is to deal with your D with love. If she upsets you, correct her but do it with love. If she does something positive, take notice and do it with love.
I think this is wise advice. I try everyday to do deal with D10 in this way. It's nice to hear that your D is doing so good.
It's understandable that my W is going to to do what she wants. She has been avoiding going to my family events. Her reason for missing the last one was she already had plans. I been asking her if she can take D10 to D's cousin's B-day. There's a training class I want to attend, but if she can't take D10 then I'll take her to the party. My W wasn't sure if she had to work. Finally when she finds out she has the day off - she wants to spend quality time with D10. I told her that D10 has been looking forward to this party. My W said she would think about it.
I guess it's nice that she's thinking about our D. Like it says in the stages of an MLC - first they connect to the children. I was the first to hate and now I'm (hopefully) the next in like for a reconnection.
