I still believe in miracles

[istherehope]

Hi,

Just journaling. Absolutely no new updates today. I did forward an email to H, yes said I'd stay dark, but I don't think it's too big of a deal, was just an email about an author he likes.

I am trying to get geared up for tomorrow. I'm spending WAY too much time thinking about different conversations that could happen, and this doesn't put me in the best mindset. What worked the last time (until the R convo) was me acting as-if everything was normal again. In fact this worked REALLY well. I need to get myself into that state again. From this moment I am going to focus only on the positives, the fact that H sent me 4 neutral to nice SMS messages yesterday even after that dreadful conversation, the fact that he has not sent me another convoluted email. I will have at least the next 4 nights with H, and I think tomorrow is going to be very interesting. The last time he had a test and went out til 3, we got in a massive fight and I screamed at him for about an hour. It was terrible. This is a true chance for me to just act glad to see him, and hopefully a chance for the alcohol to loosen his tongue...

Tomorrow morning before flying out I have to work so unfortunately will be online for a couple of hours. I may actually not sign into IM even for work though, as I want to avoid any conversations about dates, times etc. before I arrive. At this point I want to just get to the house, and be unavailable in every way (unless of course he has something very nice to say). My plan is to get home, make a nice dinner, and try to relax. I've even taken Friday off of work, but will not plan to spend it at home with H unless something amazing happens. I just need to try to get back into a normal head space again...

ITH