Yeah, well I have moved on, just not with another woman. I do my own thing, I don't talk about us. I don't talk at all: remember there is zero communication allowed from me to her. I do my own thing.
If I am right, the "yuk" of divorce is just starting. I think that lots of people think "once I have the divorce finalized, everything gets better, easier." But that is just when things get real. Rent payments. Jobs. etc. She needs it. She'll get it. Things will become clearer, it is just a matter of time. My bet though, is that she will be angrier before she is contrite. How much time will it take for her to regret it? and will I be around when she does? Those are the interesting questions.
As for the losses the kids suffer - Losing the family home is just one part of a big tragedy. They've lost daily contact with their father. They've lost trust in the adults that were their parents. They've lost their college funds. They've lost their soccer coach. They've lost family vacations. They've lost much, and it won't stop.
I don't mean to sound overly negative. I am realistic about what is happening here. Divorce stinks. "The kids will be fine" might apply to situations where the marriage was high conflict, but that's not what this was. The kids lose. It's a darn shame.
As for the losses the kids suffer - Losing the family home is just one part of a big tragedy. They've lost daily contact with their father. They've lost trust in the adults that were their parents. They've lost their college funds. They've lost their soccer coach. They've lost family vacations. They've lost much, and it won't stop.
In my opinion they are the only losers at the end of the day.
I mourn the loss of engagements ,weddings, Grandchildren - all occasions that should be shared by parents together. Instead our kids will have to constantly watch what they say, who they invite, where they will sit people at tables, be worried how mum and dad are going to get along, who to have xmas with and the list goes on.
The best we can do is make it easier for them whenever possible.
I know as time goes on like all things we adapt. It is not what we signed up for but it is reality.
Today I am quite angry with H and for no other reason other than he is an A$%^. Today i want him to hurt so bad about what he is doing that I cant think straight. I feel to hell with Dbing. Let him see what he has lost. If he rang me up today to say let start again I would refuse. Nothing has happened, it is just that I see him for what he is at the moment. Spineless man / victim. He thinks everyone is going to feel sorry for him when they learn the full truth. I think not. Most people are sick of it and how he is acting --the victim. He will loose so much and he is to dumb and stupid and selfish to see it.
I might feel better in the morning. Who knows on this rollercoaster.
As for the losses the kids suffer - Losing the family home is just one part of a big tragedy. They've lost daily contact with their father. They've lost trust in the adults that were their parents. They've lost their college funds. They've lost their soccer coach. They've lost family vacations. They've lost much, and it won't stop.
In my opinion they are the only losers at the end of the day.
I mourn the loss of engagements ,weddings, Grandchildren - all occasions that should be shared by parents together. Instead our kids will have to constantly watch what they say, who they invite, where they will sit people at tables, be worried how mum and dad are going to get along, who to have xmas with and the list goes on.
The best we can do is make it easier for them whenever possible.
I know as time goes on like all things we adapt. It is not what we signed up for but it is reality.
Today I am quite angry with H and for no other reason other than he is an A$%^. Today i want him to hurt so bad about what he is doing that I cant think straight. I feel to hell with Dbing. Let him see what he has lost. If he rang me up today to say let start again I would refuse. Nothing has happened, it is just that I see him for what he is at the moment. Spineless man / victim. He thinks everyone is going to feel sorry for him when they learn the full truth. I think not. Most people are sick of it and how he is acting --the victim. He will loose so much and he is to dumb and stupid and selfish to see it.
I might feel better in the morning. Who knows on this rollercoaster.
Max, Don't know if I've posted to you before or not but I have been following along. The things you mourn are the exact things I do. I'm not sure what's going to happen in my marriage, but those things are what make me most sad.
Your comment about being angry at your H. I don't want to be offensive, but how you're feeling is EXACTLY how I feel as a betrayed spouse. I don't condone him being an a**, but everyone deals with this stuff in their own ways. You betrayed him. And very possibly, as I know it's true in my case, he is feeling the exact same thing as you. To call him spineless and a victim I don't think shows that you "get" just what someone cheating on you does to a person.
"He will lose so much and he is so dumb and stupid and selfish to see it"? Did you think about that before your affair?
IMHO, If a spouse has an affair they give up all rights to decide what happens to the marriage. They, in effect, made the decision that the marriage was over when they chose to have an affair. If your marriage has a chance it will be because he chooses to try to forgive and accept that you're a fallible human being. If I'm understanding correctly, what you're saying here is 'I had an affair and he's stupid for not accepting it and wanting to make it work with me'. Where is the compassion for what YOUR actions have done to him?
I know that my actions had a part in my W's decision to have an affair, but I will NEVER take responsibility for her decision to choose what she did. And our marriage (and yours) will never have a chance if my W (and you) don't accept full responsibility for the affair. YOU want him to hurt so bad about what he is doing? I guarantee he is hurting more than you can imagine and to critisize him for how he is dealing with it is pretty darn foggy.
I'm sorry for the 2x4. I've learned a great deal in this thread, both from you and from others who have commented to you, but if you want your H back, give him the space he needs and IF he decides to try to make your marriage work, take what you've learned about yourself and what is important to you and use that to have the marriage you BOTH want.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Pretty harsh words. Sorry, Max. I can see H4U's point, though.
Originally Posted By: max
Today I am quite angry with H and for no other reason other than he is an A$%^. Today i want him to hurt so bad about what he is doing that I cant think straight. I feel to hell with Dbing. Let him see what he has lost. If he rang me up today to say let start again I would refuse. Nothing has happened, it is just that I see him for what he is at the moment. Spineless man / victim. He thinks everyone is going to feel sorry for him when they learn the full truth. I think not. Most people are sick of it and how he is acting --the victim. He will loose so much and he is to dumb and stupid and selfish to see it.
I totally get what you are saying. It sounds very frustrating, and saddening. It is sad to watch, and it must be much sadder to live through that drama. I wish he were stronger. I wish he would choose marriage and reconciliation.
What about an experiment? What if you were to go through that paragraph and replace every "him" with a "her", every "he" with a "she", and put these words in his mouth? Would he have a valid perspective in saying those things about you? (most of them anyway)
Could you see that he is hurt, too, he is damaged?
Could it be that he is afraid to come back to you? He has suffered much and isn't sure what you will do if he goes back to you. Or worse, he is sure you will violate his trust again.
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Let him see what he has lost.
I think this is a good thought to have. But, Maybe he does see. Maybe it is clear to him, and yet he still cannot come back because of the hurt and pain he feels right now. Maybe he is looking at it with a clear eye and *still* is making that decision for right now - I don't want her, not with how she treated me all these years. Of course, feelings change over time. Look at how your feelings changed in a day or two. He seems to be very hurt now, and that will definitely lessen over time. Those feelings of wanting to be away could change over time. You know his feelings will change over time, but you won't know how they will change and if those changes will be good for you unless you allow the time.
I know this is hard. It's probably hard to hear. Sorry. I still think the best thing is for you to back off. Find compassion for him in your heart and back off. Get a life. And as you make yourself happy, you mst avoid blaming him for your current straits. You must guard against bitterness entering your heart. You must avoid fantasizing that he will rescue you. You will rescue yourself. you will get a life. And as you do this, you can think of him fondly and gently, not harshly. Through the separation, you can find goodwill for him in your heart and nurture it. Hint: Today i want him to hurt so bad about what he is doing that I cant think straight. is not goodwill. I empathize with your position, I see your point. but it is not goodwill that writes those words.
The way he is acting - you don't like it, but I'll bet he doesn't like his circumstances either. He doesn't like his options. He doesn't like where he is. He doesn't want to choose between a single life and a life with someone who broke his trust. He's worried and hurt, and he acts and speaks from fear and weakness.
Times like these someone has to step up and be strong. Regardless what happens.
Wow - Well I read your response and cried and cried. You make so much sense and you brought me back to reality.
I think with Dbing you try and try and try. When you feel that there is no progress then you blame the other person. You lose sight of the fact that I put us here.
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I don't think shows that you "get" just what someone cheating on you does to a person.
You have to be right here. Perhaps he sees and feels that as well . How can I feel it , if I don't experience it. I feel I have taken full responsibility. I know I made the choice to have an A and I am and have been so sorry. I have complied with evry single wish of his with respect , getting private numbers, changing the car I used to meet him, allowing H to go through mail, email, text and bank records etc. I constantly ensure he knows absolutely everything about kids, so he does not miss out. I support and advise on business stuff and so on.
What am i not doing here ?
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give him the space he needs and IF he decides to try to make your marriage work, take what you've learned about yourself and what is important to you and use that to have the marriage you BOTH want.
Easiest thing for me to do, would be to pack up everything and lose myself and never have to deal with him. That is how I would love to handle this whole situation. No contact at all like SPM wife sounds like heaven to me. Then i don't have to see his pain or constantly be reminder of my part in the destruction of this family.
It would be like getting off the roller coaster. Putting blinders on, starting fresh.
But that is not the right thing to do for this family.
Funny thing while I was reading both your and SPM posts and tears are flowing my H rings. Was a little business, a little kids and then he said " How are you " Have not heard that in a while.
Hi SPM - hope you read above post to H4U as it was response to you as well.
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I wish he were stronger. I wish he would choose marriage and reconciliation.
I wish he knew about this site. I feel men don't talk to each other enough about things like this. He probably feels alone. I may be looking at a whole different life right know if he had the support and advice this site offers.
Your changing the paragraph thing was SOOOOO good. Reality check definitely.
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I still think the best thing is for you to back off. Find compassion for him in your heart and back off. Get a life. And as you make yourself happy, you must avoid blaming him for your current straits.
I hear you about backing off , and i know that means getting out there and doing me stuff. I feel I am inching towards it.
Where I struggle is, I cant get a life with so much contact with H. Since discovering this site I have stopped calling , crying at him, texting and questioning him. But we still talk daily and several times. We have so much stuff going on right now.
I see in him the ability to function just as a partner. He has got a life and each time he takes up something new I feel more and more distance from him. I am scared to do that, as distance is not what i want.
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but it is not goodwill that writes those words.
Last night i felt no goodwill. Last night i saw H as becoming a selfish SOB.
How do I show more compassion, more responsibility? You answer as possibly dawned on me - GIVE HIM SPACE AND TIME.
Max, I'm so very happy you read my post and understood my intent. I'm very proud of the things you're doing to show your H you can be trusted and want to do whatever it takes to make it work. I would kill for my W to have one smidgen of what you've figured out.
I admit your post that I replied to hit a little close to home for me and it made me angry. I apologize if there was an edge to it, but your post reminded me of WDID when she first came here and she and I had some conversations where I wasn't very nice, but I think it helped clear the fog for her (If you're reading WDID, HI, talk to you soon!).
And you are absolutely correct. We do care. We all care. Everyone hit by this, whether wayward or betrayed, we're here because we want to discover our part in the events that happened and become better people.
Give him the space he needs. Not saying go dark, but do not pursue in any way. Let him miss YOU. Then if he starts to make some movement your way, slowly engage him.
One thing I read on another website was, until a wayward spouse no longer uses the word "but" after saying they had an affair, they still don't understand just what it does to a person. I think you're getting close.
Peace.
H4U.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Hi H4U - I have gone back and skim read your sitch. I did notice a comment regarding outting your W A.
3 people and this site ( ha ha) know my A was P. They are H, OM and me. It hapened nearly 4 years ago. OM does not know that I can clean to H. He still thinks we share a secret.
My H says that in his own good time he will confront OM and OMW and tell them all he knows. This will be devasting to myself, our family and our community.
Should I respect his choice to do this?
He knows it will upset me and has even said that he has no wish for anyone else other than us 4 to know. ( hence the fear of him discovering this site - seems disrespectful to his wishes } He said he is embarassed enough with people knowing I had EA with ths guy. I know OMW - as does H. She will be so angry and she is like a ticking time bomb anyway, I know she will scream it from the roof top.
Will telling help H ?
Is doing this important to his healing ?
I have no contact with OM. i see him in the distance, shops etc but do not acknowledge him. He is not worth my M.
Doing this exposing posses a huge risk to me in that OM may intiate contact. I grieved for the loss of this relatonship once before. I need to be strong enough at the time to rebuff and I think that if H does do this , then I am going to be so upset an possibly vulnerable.
Any suggestions as to what I could say to H to prevent this ( if you think it should be prevented )?
Hey Max, glad you're feeling better. Yes, time and space - give the gift of time and space.
Telling the other guy - hmm. I think it has to be up to your husband. But I'm with you, I don't see the wisdom in it.
The thing is, what is it intended to accomplish? Make H feel better? The problem is it could dump hurt on someone else. That seems unnecessary. This might be a good topic for a counseling session, if he was willing to go.
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Easiest thing for me to do, would be to pack up everything and lose myself and never have to deal with him. That is how I would love to handle this whole situation. No contact at all like SPM wife sounds like heaven to me. Then i don't have to see his pain or constantly be reminder of my part in the destruction of this family.
I think this is exactly why my wife did what she did. Insisted on no contact, etc etc.
I contributed by being hurt, which pushed her away. But she just fled the marriage. Just ran out on everything, every commitment she ever made. Running from problems - It's just a recipe for pain later on.
