Thanks everyone! All your words have been helpful. Each one of you seems to have hit it all in bits and pieces.
I don't think I have really let go, no matter how many new friends, activities, "new" anything, etc... They're just all distractions, but I'm still holding on to an idealistic dream.
I had been in counseling for almost 5 years...during the 2 plus years the D was going on and for 2 plus years afterwards. I stopped because I thought i was getting myself together with all my "new" distractions. But now, almost 3 years later, I'm still as angry and still hate life as much as I did during the whole damm divorce. I am so resentful of him. I blame him all the time for my unhappiness. I didn't realize how much it has eaten me up but I am just a horrible person on the inside. I can't stand it. I just want to get past all this. I really, really do! I know that I am divorced and on the worst terms with the ex. I know that the kids will always wish "mommy" and "daddy" will get back together. And I know that I have to continue to tell them that we won't. I know that I will not have the original family I always wanted for my kids. I know that I will never be able to share all the joys of my kids with the only other person who would get as much joy in it as I. That's a very sad part for me. I remember being very young and always wanting to share my childhood joys but never had parents around to share them with (too busy working). As I got older and looked towards marriage and family, I was so ready to share everything with ex-H and I did, and I was so happy then. But my part in the failure of the M was that I focused too much on the kids and the idea of family that I lost sight of that I also had a husband. So he drifted and that was the beginning of the end. So now, I have wonderful kids who I love so much, more than anything in the world and they do such wonderful things. I am so proud of S- he is so smart in school and so good in sports, and not half bad looking either (even if he does resemble ex H.). Last year in 3rd grade, all the 6th grade girls had crushes on him! And he has the kindest heart too! D is so beautiful and so sweet. Even though she is younger, she is the most independant and such a help around the house. She will always be my little girl and can sleep with me at night until the cows come home for all I care! I want to share all these great things with someone who gets as much joy as I do out of it, but he is the only one that cares as much as I do. And I can never share with him ever again so here I am alone again. This makes me so sad and so angry. He's taking my joy away and he's made me alone again.
I don't know if this makes any sense... when i go back and read it, I sound very disturbed and just going around in circles. You know, the circle that never ends, the circle that you just go around and around and around in. The circle that drives you crazy and never lets you heal...
I'm definitely in the circle. I thought I was out of it, but I'm still in it. Still in it...
