Trying2Live-New Post #2

[Trying2live]

Here's some info I said I would pass on...Got it from an ebook on affairs..Enjoy.....

If you are ready and truly want to break free from the infidelity and increase the odds of saving the marriage let's go. (In reality the odds are not very good, IF old patterns continue).

But, bear this in mind. Breaking free from the infidelity means you must make some changes in how you typically approach yourself and your spouse.

This will take practice, practice and more practice.

And, you may need to act and communicate in ways that seem very strange or foreign to you. You also may not understand why you need to do what you need to do, but stick with me.
A KEY Infidelity Marriage Saving Skill to Master

Here's a key infidelity skill you need to master in saving your marriage. I call it charging neutral.

If you are like most of us, the disclosure of the affair rips you apart and your feelings are on your sleeves. You react to your spouse. You communicate fear, worry, angst and/or anger with every fiber of your body and in every intonation of your voice.

You communicate this verbally and mostly nonverbally. Your reaction increases the distance and gives ammunition to your spouse to justify and even continue the affair. (Gosh, no wonder I want to get away from this. My lover certainly is not like this!)
Reacting to Infidelity is NOT Saving your Marriage

Rather than reacting and your feelings flowing all over the place, practice charging neutral.

I want you to be able to communicate to your spouse with neither an Up or Down but Neutral charge. Communicate calmness, not only in your tone of voice but also in how you carry your body. Don't speak with a charge to your voice. Control your voice!

Here's what will happen when you are able to do this:

1. You will be able to point out something big, without making a big deal out of it. You make your point! And, it is heard! You will learn how to confront and feel more and more comfortable (well...maybe that is a stretch, at least at first) with this skill.

2. You will be in control of you. This will feel great.

3. This skill gives you personal power. People are really attracted to someone who is able to charge neutral. (Can you think of someone who does this well?)

4. You defuse the reactivity of your spouse. You change the rules of communication. Your spouse will probably be confused, internally impressed and not be quite sure what to do with you.

5. You break the destructive pattern of communication that hits the brick wall and only results in misery.

Charge neutral is clean communication that's about the truth being spoken without accusations, defensiveness or explanations that typically mire communication.

Charge neutral is very subtle but very powerful.

Charge neutral is about stating the truth directly, without anything added. No hidden agendas.

Charge neutral is not monotone or about being boring. The truth is not boring.

It's hard to give examples of charging neutral since charging neutral is not so much what you say, but how you say it. Maybe this will help. Here's what you can convey by charging neutral without giving you specific words:

* Your life is a mess. (By charging neutral you can almost make that feel like good news.)
* You've failed. (Like, no big deal. So what? Yet I understand.)

Keep charging neutral in mind as you confront your spouse/partner.
As you move through the process of discovery to recovery this will make more and more sense to you. As you learn to find your personal power, charging neutral will become easier and more powerful.