Reading now, and more confused, I think!

[Bagheera]

Greetings Diane,

I think we misunderstood each other. You had written:

Then there's the issue where I'm not sure I can get over the hurt. I'm not really sure it's too late, and I want SEX, but I don't think I want it from him......... Eeekk

So I wrote in return:

Also, don't be too fatalistic about the fact that you're having a hard time desiring him right now -- that's a symptom of your anger, resentment, and the extremely disconnected relationship that you have right now. If he works with you to reestablish that connection, and help you work through the anger and resentment, I have no doubt that your physical desire for him will return.

I was addressing how you currently feel, not whether or not or how you should bring this particular issue up with him.

As far as bringing this up with him goes, DQ has it right --> BE HONEST with him about it. Tell him that it's been so long and that you're so angry and resentful that you just can't immediately hop into bed with him -- he has a LOT of repair work to do first. Also, any attempts to just hop into bed immediately will be seen as an attempt to 'quick fix' the issue, rather than really working it: this is particularly true since he would only need to do that for a few days, and off to work he goes for another few weeks.

I personally think that the job separations plays a HUGE part in your current dynamic and lack of connection with your husband. I can easily remember my Navy days, coming home from a deployment, and rather than having a wife jump all over me (as most guys had), my wife would barely tolerate being touched by me at all for the first few days. Why? Because she felt so abandoned and disconnected while I was gone, that it took a few days for us to reconnect, get reaquanted, and to reestablish enough emotional closeness and intimacy between us to permit physical intimacy again. It's a common female trait: that necessity for emotional connection prior to the desire for physical connection. And with as many weeks of the year as you guys spend apart, that disconnect has turned into a gulf.

-- B.