Brake job is done. Found out she went to a dance down at my camp sunday with OM. I guess his wife and her friends were there and he got into a heated debate. they left a short time after. i guess my W tried to warm up to some of the campers with him, but they gave her the cold shoulder. I knew she was going to when she asked if I was going to be there and I told her I couldn't. Pain strikes deep. Bad enought she left but now she's gotta get into the people who I look to for support? And with him? I guess people were pretty upset and others were OK. Won't have to worry about it after this weekend. My friend thinks she is going to places where she has more friends because he doesn't. Wish this sh@# would end. But I guess, as Sandi put it, your changes were so fast you are expecting everything to be that quick. I guess I am. I am chilling tonight. Dropping the rope. I will read DR, have some coffee and think deeply. I hope to dream again, soon. Won't have anything to do with her now. After this report, the pain from hearing about her and OM together around my friends, I am equally mad and upset. Empty feeling is there, but mostly because i want her in my void, not him in hers.
Her friend is not pursuing me. She called tonite looking for the W. No conversation, no inuendos. I seriously believe now it was a test, whether my W was invloved or not, i believe it was. I passed.
Will spend some serious time looking at finances tomorrow night and redoing my budget. Filling holes with projects. Feels strange getting her brakes out of the way. Her brother sat out there with me while I did them. She said thanks guys for doing my brakes. i didn't respond. She said thanks again to me as she left and I said,"hmmm" No emotion, no happy response, not really any feeling at all. I think I almost made her feel like she was putting me out. And she was. My goal is to get through the week on solid ground. I am going to the country line dancing lessons on Monday. Got to. Got to do something other than projects and occassionally the gym. I will hit that hard this week. Need to get out, mingle and see what's going on. I'm not looking for love, have it, but need to be realistic that I can hang on forever, and die alone. there are no guarantees, but with all of your support and my friends and family, I have hope that this will end and it will make our R better and stronger in our M. But my attitude and my changes also tell me not to close my eyes to everything around me.
