I guess it's over

[NikB]

((Trixi))

Good job!!! Glad it went so well. Sorry for the tears after, but you stayed really strong. Hooray!

OTOH, maybe he didn't notice or care. Whatever. I needed them down for my sake.

SO glad to see this! This is a step towards detachment.. taking care of yourself, doing what YOU feel you need. You still wondered if he noticed but that's a whole different feeling than doing it hoping for a reaction, isn't it?

Now another idea for you - start putting up some pics (and loading your frame/wallpaper) from your "new" life. I still have a beautiful collage from my Sonoma "sanity road trip" last fall - they're on the fridge so I see them a lot and it makes me happy. I also started a photo album when H moved out, and forced myself to take pics and put them in there. At first it was a little sad but it was also pretty empowering to have my OWN photo album, documenting my friends, my activities, etc. - not just "us" all the time.

And although it's not WHY I did it, H sure noticed. He "snooped" through my album and camera memory card several times, which I found quite hilarious. Even to this day if I have that album out (i.e. I took it out to show someone a picture of my friend's dog), he often looks through ALL the pictures and often asks me the same questions - who's that, where's that, did you have fun at ____, etc. Even though I've answered them a gazillion times it's like he forgets or wants to make sure the answer's the same or something.

You are so much more than a toilet tank. Just teasin' though, I know what you mean. I think you ARE getting there.

I forgot to mention earlier - I think my post sounded a bit like I was pushing you to file for D and that definitely was not my intent. I meant it when I asked these questions:

Even if he DOES change his mind in the 11th hour...

Can you trust him?
Can you risk (emotionally/mentally) going through this again, given his history?
What would it take for you to actually feel SECURE in an R with him again?

If the answers to 1 and 2 are yes... maybe it's time to at least think through the answers to #3, just in case. If the answers are no, then the signs probably point to you filing when you're ready (as I doubt he'll ever bother to do it).