LADYBUG trying to detatch..but doesn't know how.

[jon2911]

Ms B, I have to agree with Sara on the shower story. Wow.

I'll tell you something my Counselor told me a year ago, when W was pressuring me to sign the divorce papers. I was dragging my feet, not wanting to make it easy on her. My C said "she thinks you're the problem, and the only way to change that is to give her what she wants".

I've thought that about your H for a while now. Be reasonable of course. Moving out by this weekend is NOT reasonable. But he may, like my W, need to go all the way through with the divorce before he realizes you aren't the problem. He won't be any more happy in the house without you. It will be worse.

Definitely get a lawyer consult before moving out though.

[ms ladybug]

The truth is, I can't afford to live in the house with only MY salary. H has been paying all the bills here and living with his parents for almost a year now. Moving out is my only option at this point. The kids and I can move in with my mom and I can save up some money, pay off my car, and save up for a house.

I HAVE noticed, that when I DO what he wants (even towards divorce...picking up paperwork from attorney, etc...) he seems to get scared.

[maninmotion]

Hi bug

I know this is all tough and a major PITA. I'm sure that my W is scared SH**LESS about getting divorced. I think that's the reason that we are still married, otherwise I think she would have divorced me months ago. So, when she was between the rock of her fear and the hard place of her inner demons, she found a way to rationalize her affairs and unfaithfulness.

Speaking to Jon's point, once my W moved out, I realized that if she drank to much and suffered from it, she could no longer blame me for her drinking, it was her own fault and she had to face up to the responsibility for the consequences.

So, I see your H between a rock and a hard place. He thinks he wants a divorce or at least to have you out of his life and he's angry that that isn't happening, but, he is very afraid of getting the divorce and what that future will bring.

I guess what I'm thinking here is that in this kind of situation, it may be possible for him to do things that contradict his self-image and then find a way to rationalize his behavior away in the same way that my W has.

That of course doesn't really help you much, but, I like to understand things better and this is at least a possible explanation for some of what he is going through internally.

(((((ladybug)))))

Dan

[ms ladybug]

Dan, I always appreciate your POV. It really helps to see a different perspective. I think you're right. My h, in his own mind, has rationalized the way he treats me. It makes no sense to me, and probably never will. But, he's the one that has to live with himself, so why not?
He REALLY hates it BTW, when I call him on things. Telling me I have a victim mentality. Coming from a cop, he should know better.

[ms ladybug]

I asked h if we can wait to move until Jan.1, so the kids can be at home during the holidays. I got a big fat "no" for that one. He wants us out of the house, out of the only house the kids have known. Out of the house where their toys are, where the swingset is, and their own rooms. Into my moms house. He said that if I refuse to leave, he'll cut off all money. I'm sure the law would not take too well to a man doing that to his family, but I'm afraid it would take "the law" too long to get involved anyway.

In the same breath, he said that we are going to get divorced, and later down the road, we can re-evaluate things, and if we want to, we can get re-married to each other. UUMMMmmm...no. No thank you for that very tender offer. But, why would I remarry a man who is able to divorce me once?

My heart aches, and I'm not sleeping well anymore. I lay awake crying over the house, the memories here, and for my dear kids who have done nothing wrong, but now have to leave their house, and possessions behind to go live with grandma.

[maninmotion]

In Boulder County in Colorado where I live, cutting you off monetarily is considered domestic violence. Well, that's what my counselor told me when I brought that up a couple years ago when wanting to enforce good behavior on my W's part. Remember as a cop, if he gets a domestic violence conviction, he may lose the ability to own and handle handguns which would then leave him out of a job. You need to get to a lawyer and get his a$$ straightened out.

Ladybug, you are strong enough and tough enough to do this. It hurts up a storm and is awful, but, you don't have to move and he has to pay, but, you have to get the law involved. If he doesn't want to pay, they can garnish his pay and that isn't going to look to good at work. Stop playing by his playbook. Get a lawyer involved, NOW.

Dan

[jon2911]

Well, what an a-hole thing to do. Ms B, we've gone back and forth on this with Dom, but my opinion is your H needs to know that you're fine on your own. He has too much control right now. Hang in there!

[ms ladybug]

I guess as long as I'm in the house, he's got all the control. I completely rely on him financially. If I move in with my mom, I won't need his money, and can actually save up some.

He's cutting me off financially Nov. 1. He said he'll give me whatever $ I need for the kids, but he will no longer be paying the bills. We have no debts, except for my car and his HD, but he won't pay PG&E, cell phone, groceries, etc...

He said again last night that he wants to work on our marriage, but he is going to file for divorce. I told him that as long as he files for divorce, I will not be "working on the marriage". He asked why. I told him that if the end result is still going to be divorce, what's the point? He doesn't get it, and thinks that if we file for divorce, we'll have a 6mo waiting period, and we can always stop it, but if we do nothing, he's going to let it go thru.

[maninmotion]

Ladybug, please go and talk to a lawyer. You can call and talk to one and ask all your questions and it shouldn't cost you a dime. Additionally, even if he doesn't pay the bills, can you afford to buy the groceries and pay the utilities? If you can, then ignore the rest.

Here is the hardest truth to internalize in this whole awful process. You alone can't make it work and as hard as you try, you can't make him want to stay. Since he is planning on filing, your kids are going to experience the trauma of their world coming apart and you are right to want to limit the upheaval in their lives. Once again, you are letting him bully you around. Call the lawyer and find out what can be done.

You've said that if he files, you are finished and he has sworn to file, and your sweet loving husband is gone and this controlling lunatic is in his place. You are past the point of trying to be nice and hope that he changes his tune. You are to the place of self-protection now. He is trying to intimidate you and bully you into doing everything that he wants. STOP IT.

You need to quit focusing on him and focus on you and the kids. Call the lawyer, you don't need to move and the lawyer can damned sure make sure that you and the kids aren't left destitute and penniless because you refuse to submit to his demands.

Stop playing the game according to his rules. Stop letting him push you around. Stop it. Call a lawyer and find out your options.

Dan

[nw626]

Hi Ladybug
I agree with Maminmotion.
It is time get lawyer involved and protect yourself.
I know you are strong.....fight for yourself and kids.
Hang in there....

We are cheering for you.

NW