FL, I understand that we men need to be better listeners and if you can take this away from the sitch, then I am sure you will be a better person and partner for it.
HOWEVER, this is a two way street. Your W could have grabbed a copy of DR, Men are from Mars, or any other of a million books on the topic and changed her communication style to better reach you. Instead, she decided to basically give up. This is NOT your fault!
I guess what I am trying to say is, don't focus on this too much. It is one point you can work on, but in the end, you are who you are. It's unlikely that you will want to or be able to re-wire your brain entirely!
Take care, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
FLTC, the nice thing about M failure is that there is always enough blame to go around! M's fall into patterns, yours was that W did all the day to day organizing etc and you did...whatever you did! I'm sure you did things for the family. Barb is certainly right when she says that a partner must tell the other if unhappy, not just expect the other to KNOW! We learn from our mistakes, sure you made some like all of us, but the key is what do we do with them. Do we learn from it and hone our skills for our next partner or do we beat the crap out of ourselves for our all too human behaviour. I vote the first! You're a good man and you did your best, you never did anything with the intention of causing hurt. When your W went out and found someone else that IS intentional hurt. She has to live with herself and her conscience, you don't. We can only just continue to do our best in being good people throughout these messes we find ourselves in now.
Thnaks for checking back. It was really "Self-Flaggelate FLTC Day" today. I really tried after MC. MC gave me some books to read, but they never "reached" me. I really addressed all that MC asked me to do. I don't believe she ever did. still the 15 point critiques, the "undifferentiated anger": Anger at everything AND nothing at the same time. Never knowing what would set her off. W. gave me a "better sex" book, which I read, and tried, but nothing was quite right.
I was never a disengaed father. I went to every event, game, play, award. I never sat in front of the TV, and when I would use the computer for more than a hlaf hour, I got called on it, even if I was doing work or Army stuff. Always felt guilty about relaxing. Did all the outside stuff. W. never mowed the lawn in 20 years, so it wasn't like I was inert, just out of touch (as was my father) with certain stuff. Most guys would get this, I think. Not malicious as wii said.
Thanks, Mattie. I am taking the day off today to go and bring D16 back home from the eating disorder clinic. It was nice in a way having her there, because I knew she was safe. Now, she comes back to a day treatment. Still no school, though. She's got to get better first.
Mediation meeting rescheduled for a week.
While this is all very tough, I am SO glad that I had 19 months and Iraq to help me detach. While certain things continue to rip mey heart out (like seeing Golden Books in the supermarket....read them to my kids every night), it is NOWHERE like it used to be. Like Donna once related, there were times I couldn't sign my name because my hand was shaking so badly.
Well, boulders continue to get piled on me. Went to pick up D16 at eating disorder clinic in PA yesterday. The insurance company stopped benefits after the 9th. What this means is that I'm $4000 in the hole at this time, and she starts outpatient full-day today. No coverage unless insurance company relents. She is still a sick kid. Brought her home yesterday and started to work with my HR person to try and get some coverage.
With all of this, it's amazing that W. drives on with a divorce. She still believes, I guess that this is a crusade, and she must "proceed on course". With what my two girls have cost us, I'm surprised I still have a roof over my head. W. wrote a $10K check for mediation. Just as well set the money on fire. Can't change the wind, but I can change the direction of my sail! Don't swim against the rip tide. Just relax and you'll come out of it, right Hill?
On to the gym and back to work. If you pray, I could use one.
