I guess it's over

[Trixi]

Well, stepson and H just came over (and left). SS arrived here in town yesterday. It was REALLY great to see him. H and I signed what we needed to for the taxes. The funny thing was that H was sort of leaning into me when we were signing stuff and I sorta did a smile and SS started laughing. H was like "what? what?" and SS and I were just chuckling. SS is pretty intuitive/observant and good at reading people and the subtext.

Anyway, gave SS the grand tour of the house; he said several times that I looked "great".

I had taken down all evidence of H; I took down the pics from CR, turned off my digital frame, turned off the rotating wallpaper on my computer, took down a magnet I had made from a pic of the two of us. At first I don't think he noticed, but on the way to my office I sensed him pausing and sort of making a noise. I remember how my heart was stabbed when I was at the other house and and all the pics of us together were face down.
OTOH, maybe he didn't notice or care. Whatever. I needed them down for my sake.

H did his usual staring at me. When it was time for them to go, he gave me a couple hugs and a little kiss on the lips. And then they drove off and I dissolved into tears. OMG I miss him.

But I didn't cry in front of him. He asked how I've been and I said "really good. You?" I was upbeat, funny, light.

Yes, you had a good time earlier this year - but even then, yes you guys had fun together and enjoyed each other, but even then you didn't have a commitment from him. You still had someone who was cake-eating - you just enjoyed it a lot more because he was doing at least some of the pursuing. <snip> So even if he DOES change his mind in the 11th hour, I have so many questions.

Can you trust him?
Can you risk (emotionally/mentally) going through this again, given his history?
What would it take for you to actually feel SECURE in an R with him again?

Yeah- and that is why I know intellectually I need to move forward. SIGH

but I imagine "separated over a year and in process of getting a D" would be OK for at least some of those guys. As long as you're honest about it (again, when you're ready).

Good point.

I keep feeling like there is some "switch" that will go off inside me. Kinda like the toilet tank filling. LOL You hear the water running and then all of a sudden, it's full enough and that's the end of it.