I still believe in miracles

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

On the communication front, using your astrology, when do you see communication improving this week?

ITH

[istherehope]

And H just texted me 3 times in a row after his flight landed...

First was to tell me he landed; he knows I like this, so sort of expected

Second was to say he was going to the hotel, then dinner, then bed--totally unneeded as I hadn't responded to the first text

Third was to ask me to feed the dogs and change the cats' litter

So I responded in a joking way about the dogs starving and the cats using his pillow as a litterbox, and responded to the other and said to have a great dinner.

No response, though none was expected. Again, I just want to call out the difference between what he says and what he does. Texting me about him going to dinner and bed was not needed, or expected after today's brutal conversation. I guess he'll see my apology email soon enough which is a bit weird as well. So I'm still feeling weird, but a bit better. The texts were nice, and I need to pay attention to his actions, and not back him into a corner where he says cruel things that he most likely doesn't mean. I guess if I push him he will lash out. I panicked about the living situation today. I need to keep quiet between now and Thursday, and hope that Thursday will be a good opportunity for him to talk to me of his own accord.

OK well I have a flight at 6 AM tomorrow, so need to start getting ready for it.

ITH

[daisy282]

Hey ITH

Yes there was backsliding but it's okay. Done and over with. You obviously see where things went wrong so all you can really do is pick yourself up and keep moving forward. I can imagine how hurtful it is to be in your situation and to have to hear the "spew" over and over again. Try to focus on the good things. Awhile back you told me about the bank visual, think of all your efforts and ML and nice texts as small deposits in that bank. Your hubby may not see it yet but when things get back on track it will all add up and it will be good. So keep at it!

We all believe in you!

[istherehope]

Thanks Daisy,

That makes me smile :). H also just texted to say he was in the hotel and good night.

I am trying...not sure what my next best course of action is. I will stay dim until Thursday. I did a few things around the house tonight, so hopefully he'll notice.

Thursday he verified he's going out. I think this could be REALLY good if he will talk openly after drinking. I may actually push a bit, but I know how he works, so I think this will be a very good opportunity.

Tomorrow I fly to Poland-last day...H asked why I was bothering going back for a day-good question-couldn't tell him it's because of him freaking out.

Anyway, hoping tomorrow will be calm.

ITH

[istherehope]

Hi,

Just journaling. Absolutely no new updates today. I did forward an email to H, yes said I'd stay dark, but I don't think it's too big of a deal, was just an email about an author he likes.

I am trying to get geared up for tomorrow. I'm spending WAY too much time thinking about different conversations that could happen, and this doesn't put me in the best mindset. What worked the last time (until the R convo) was me acting as-if everything was normal again. In fact this worked REALLY well. I need to get myself into that state again. From this moment I am going to focus only on the positives, the fact that H sent me 4 neutral to nice SMS messages yesterday even after that dreadful conversation, the fact that he has not sent me another convoluted email. I will have at least the next 4 nights with H, and I think tomorrow is going to be very interesting. The last time he had a test and went out til 3, we got in a massive fight and I screamed at him for about an hour. It was terrible. This is a true chance for me to just act glad to see him, and hopefully a chance for the alcohol to loosen his tongue...

Tomorrow morning before flying out I have to work so unfortunately will be online for a couple of hours. I may actually not sign into IM even for work though, as I want to avoid any conversations about dates, times etc. before I arrive. At this point I want to just get to the house, and be unavailable in every way (unless of course he has something very nice to say). My plan is to get home, make a nice dinner, and try to relax. I've even taken Friday off of work, but will not plan to spend it at home with H unless something amazing happens. I just need to try to get back into a normal head space again...

ITH

[Separated]

ITH~ Absolutly act as-if!!! It's good that he acted 'as-if' once he did get over where he was going so no need to dwell on what happened. Now at least you will have a better understanding of how to deal with it if he acts 'alien' again.

I wish you so much luck with tomorrow and forward. This is such a good thing that you get to prove yourself. I am sending good vibes your way!!!

[istherehope]

Thanks very much Sep! I am going to hype myself up all day tomorrow reading the Secret.

As I said, I think tomorrow night will be pivotal...maybe this is a self-fulfilling prophecy and I will cause this to happen, but it's as-if (love that phrase)we've come full circle in many ways. Things started going majorly downhill, according to him, at around the last time he had a test. I have just sort of "redone" a lot of other things that also happened around that time period, flying to Paris, going to a conference with a specific company, wearing a dress that I wore to a friend's wedding then, coming back to work 2 weeks into the new quarter...it's like a replay, but hopefully the better version.

I think if H is nice tomorrow night and happy to see me, I may push the envelope a bit, but it will totally depend on his mood, level of intoxication, and general level of chattiness. I was thinking of trying to be more joking about things. Also now that he's said "ILY" once, it is something that could come into play again...

ITH

[Separated]

You have the chance re-write it now!!! Yea I think the alcohol has a way of making them open up a bit. I am trying to find the right opportunity to do that too!!

[istherehope]

Oh and the day of the S-Bomb was on a Thursday, and I had to go into work the next day. We'd just gotten back from an extended vacation!!! I'm getting back on a Thursday this time, but have taken Friday off, trying to do everything differently! That Thursday I cried as soon as I walked in the house because he'd dropped bomb 1 while on holiday (lame isn't it?). This time I will do the opposite then, I will laugh! I will not walk in feeling despondent, but instead will feel like I have earned a second chance.

I'll let you know how the alcohol thing goes. Problem is he has been drinking a lot less lately, so there is a chance that he will just come home late but sober. (Daisy if you're reading this you are probably thinking how lucky I am for him drinking less :))

Anyway we'll see if he's a happy or unhappy drunk. Maybe if I do something really ridiculous like leap out of bed and hug him when he walks in, this will set the right tone. I have never, ever done that when he's come home late and drunk. Even though I know I am supposed to hang back, in fact I think I will show a lot of joy to see him this time (if he's drunk), and act really happy about his test, school in general, and the fact that he's been celebrating. I will maybe just be over the top happy...

ITH

[AliSuddenly]

Hey ITH, ok I am caught up and sorry I was off in a lala of my own drama!

Well, sounds to me like you really had Full Moon itis yesterday? It was in the afternoon and was full in Aries and there was a real danger of saying things we may regret.. but that they need to be said, its just how you say them (and likely you could get a bit unnecessarily mean with it and selfish, which sounds like he did).

Mercury stations direct today and moves forwards tommorow. Heres what Yasmin Boland says:
Thursday October 16 – Moon in Taurus
Mercury ends his latest reverse cycle now. This should be music to many people’s ears. If your life has been feeling madly chaotic and/or out of control (at least where technology is concerned), that should start to ease. The thing to remember with Mercury retrograde is that while he’s doing his reverse cycle, there’s a chance to think things through and generally ruminate on the best way forwards. Now that the cycle is ending, the time to take action is nigh!
Also, read the first couple of articles on this page Priya Kale about Mercury stationing and the one below about the Full Moon.

You shouldnt beat yourself up.. these are culminations in cycles within cycles, so its NOT YOUR FAULT! You havent 'done' anything wrong, its just how its meant to unfold, I do believe. He has been emailing you today, so thats positive. There are always new beginnings after a Full Moon and that was a pretty potent one. I dont know how things will turn out for you, but tommorow is a big day in terms of communication in relationships, as Mercury is now going direct tommorow in Libra - the sign of relating and others.

So, its pretty apt that that is the day that you are having your big R talk, pretty amazing dont you think? Especially if you read that article. I'll be watching tommorow!