I guess it's over

[NikB]

(((Trixi)))

Sorry I haven't checked in for awhile, been crazy busy but I have a quick minute.

Wow.. 90 days is not a long time for the waiting period. And I thought 6 months was short!

I think that I still have this little ember of denial/hope; that he will somehow realize that he is making a terrible mistake and turn around. (You know, all those stories where the WAS changes their mind at the 11th hour.)

It is SO ironic that you posted this today because I literally woke up and was thinking about my friends on the DB boards, and the first thing that popped into my mind was a fear that you were falling into this trap. "Maybe if I file, it'll cause him to change his mind".. you're hoping he'll call your bluff, maybe?

Here's the problem I see in your sitch though - he changes his mind all the time. You just mentioned the other day that he's done this how many times, now? So even if he DOES change his mind in the 11th hour, I have so many questions.

Can you trust him?
Can you risk (emotionally/mentally) going through this again, given his history?
What would it take for you to actually feel SECURE in an R with him again?

He runs hot and cold. From what you posted... I get the feeling that you would jump right back into an R with him if he went back to "hot" again. Or even "lukewarm" for that matter. You haven't gotten to where you require better treatment for yourself, the point where you realize that you DESERVE to be pursued, woo'd, cherished.

I anticipate that concrete moves towards D will hurt a great deal--even if intellectually I know it is for the best.

Probably.. I can't imagine it NOT hurting. If you finally get to where you know, in your heart, what you need and deserve for yourself I wonder if it might be easier, though. I do think you'll know when it's the right time.. maybe not 100%, but I have a feeling you'll be pretty sure. Your mind is there, and my bet is that your heart will begin to follow. In particular I think it's important that the decision doesn't have anything to do with your H - you need to feel it's what's right for you before you take any action, I think.

I've been checking out a dating site (not match as I don't want to accidentally see his profile) and many of the men say that the lady must not be married. And, I am married, technically.
And I don't blame them, either.

Now, I haven't posted a profile as I know I am not ready--but, when I am ready, I don't want my legal status to stand in my way of meeting quality people. KWIM?

Glad you realize you're not ready yet.

I REALLY doubt that someone's going to ask to see your D paperwork on a first date. So the legal status part of it honestly isn't that important I don't think. Yes, legally you're married until you're divorced - but there's that in between status of separated and you've been there for quite awhile now. I don't know for sure, obviously, and it'll depend on the person - but I imagine "separated over a year and in process of getting a D" would be OK for at least some of those guys. As long as you're honest about it (again, when you're ready).

OTOH, I still love my H. I would love to actually build a life with him. WHY can't I just see the reality????? I mean, I do see it-- but then I fall back into this fantasy world of when we were dating earlier this year. A fantasy world of him actually DOING something to be with ME. Silly, I know.
Letting go sure is hard.

(((Trixi)))) No - not silly at all.

I wanted to mention one thing about this. Yes, you had a good time earlier this year - but even then, yes you guys had fun together and enjoyed each other, but even then you didn't have a commitment from him. You still had someone who was cake-eating - you just enjoyed it a lot more because he was doing at least some of the pursuing.

Yes, letting go is VERY hard... might be a good time to re-read some of the coping.org stuff on detachment? It helps me to re-read that stuff sometimes.

Glad you've been having some positive interactions with yuor meetup friends! And even getting help with the mower repair? Nice! All good PMA boosting stuff.

Yikes, your XBF sounds scary. Glad you nipped that one in the bud.

I thought this was pretty interesting:

My xbf has ticked me off to the point I am now invisible when I go online. He got way too needy and clingy. gross. Now I understand how H felt. Sorta. The difference is that I don't owe xbf anything since we aren't married.

Actually.. I bet you understand more than you think. Your H, once you separated, probably also felt like he didn't owe you anything. Sadly I think people talk themselves into ending an M being not much different than breaking up with a GF/BF.

I still love this jerk. God knows why.

Hmmm... maybe you can change your focus. I don't think you're GOING to stop loving him or at least who you think/thought that he was.

Instead of worrying about why, or how to change it, maybe you can focus on loving YOURSELF more. Love yourself enough to not only want more for yourself, but also be willing to do what it takes to get it.

Feeling a bit ill about seeing him. I do NOT want to cry. And if he brings up filing, I ESPECIALLY don't want to cry.

(((Trixi)))

Hope it goes/went OK. In case you haven't gone yet... remember that "girl power" thing I was talking about? Do as much of that as you can before you go! Listen to empowering music the whole way over. Pump yourself up and know that you're the prize that he is missing out on. When you know that and can feel it (or act "as if," if you have to) - it should be easier not to cry.

I honestly would be surprised if he brings up filing unless it's to ask you to do it. He obviously wasn't worried about it in terms of dating or sleeping with other people, so I doubt he's worried about it now. Could be wrong but that's just my guess. I'm trying to even think of a sitch I've seen where the WAS filed.. there aren't that many. Usually it seems like once they drop the bomb they figure they're free to go on as if they're D'd already.

Stay strong, girl! You're worth it.