Ok, it is official now. Once this locks up, look for me over in Surviving the Big D. If Sunshine is recommending it, I'm there!
Kalni - Yes XW is incredibly self-centered. I'm not sure if I'm going to waste my breath right now on telling her how inappropriate she is being. It will not sink in unless and until she admits she is wrong and has made mistakes. Until then, it is futile to try anything w/ her. However, I'm going to push for D to begin her own counseling to help her deal w/ the confusion she's seeing from her mother.
I don't have any guilt about the conversations D and I have had. I've been age-appropriate and non-probing each and every time. I don't pry for information and I don't interrogate. That isn't fair for D and it wouldn't be fair for me to try and badmouth her mother. I'm going to do my best to NEVER do that in front of our D. My D will only respect me for it in the long run.
I am working on learning how to set boundaries after 37+ years of not getting the concept. So, it is a process for me, but I am starting to understand it a bit and it is easier and easier the more I do it. I too can hope that boundaries will lead to civility in time, but at worst, XW will learn that she isn't allowed to abuse me any longer. Someone new will need to be her whipping boy. I've discovered my dignity and backbone - About time, right?
Ali - I'm glad to have had the chance to walk w/ you in your journey. I'm sorry it has been so painful for all of us, but look at the growth we've all made. Sadly, we had to have this to learn something, grow better and stronger, and change ourselves for the future.
I too am glad I've "seen the light" and am growing stronger. It was weird, but as soon as Jody led me to see that I've been enabling XW's behavior, it was so easy to draw a line and stop.
I can only pray my D won't be too scarred by XW's ever-changing boyfriends. I know D is disturbed by XW kissing her new BF in front of her, so I'm sure there will be more trauma I can't protect her from. I'll hopefully be able to provide a positive role model for her and let her know that relationships don't have to be that way and that men can be good men and relationships don't have to be disposable.
I'll work on sticking to my guns, morals and integrity and I can hope it will rub off on my D. As for any of it rubbing off on my XW, who knows? That will be completely up to her. However, I do know that my behavior must be consistent so she'll at least understand she can't attack me any longer and I'll no longer listen to her play the blame game w/ me while she escapes all responsibility for her actions.
