Sandi is here and things are getting better!

[Joe]

S2,

Wow! You know, I would kill to have the money to fly you up here, have you sit down with my w and give her a really good cuff in the back of the head!!! I absolutely love how you handled yourself, got everything out of your head and hopfully pounded into his! That is what I wish to say to my w withoout getting the lets just sell the house reaction. We cant even talk about our r because that is what happens every time.

I would just love for you to sit down and explain to her everything that you went through, how you dealt with it, and what you did to help yourself, your h and your r. Sounds to me like you just need to get 1 more wheel of that freight train of yours back on the right track and away you go.

I pray to God everyday for you and all the friends Ive made on here. You will need to look deep down inside your self when it comes to your h wanting to touch you and I hope you let him, while maintaining control. Intimacy is vital. I think that is the main thing that I am dealing within myself right now and why I vented the other day. I am so alone and almost feeling desperate. The other night when I was out with my mates, I dont know how I didnt pick up a girl at the bar. I had 3 or 4 choices. Im not trying to brag here and I had my mind set in the right place that night, but the temptation was great but I held off. Hell, I AM desperate! But I love my w and I a commited to her STILL! So it was easy for me to back off.

My point is that for me, as a guy, intimacy is vital. The last couple of nights I rented some comedies to get me out of my slump and it worked. I rented Bill Engvull (sp) - Heres your sign and also The Blue Comedy Redneck Tour. He says guys think about 3 things and 3 things only. Eating, sleeping and sex. We spend our whole entire day thinking about how we are going to get to the next level. And you know S2, that is SOOOO true!!! That would be me to a tee! Sounds like its your H to me as well. If you can help yourself accept your h's touch again, then you guys will be flying. That is MHO! Plain and simple.

Im not sure what to make of my w right now S2. I read a few things on smart marriages .com and all it did was make me upset. To a point where I went downstairs but only shed a few tears instead of the usual full on melt down. She actually asked me if there was anything wrong and I lied by saying no, there wasnt. I went about making dinner as usual and she goes you really like to cook dont you? This caught me by suprise because she knows how much I love to cook, experiment, burn things...you know! I said to her Ya of course, looking confused. But then I said that it is a stress reliever and it makes me feel good to provide for my family. She kind of smirked, nodded her head and then looked away?? Like what the hell??

This morning, I found out that both our girls aced their spelling tests on fri. I was so happy. My w and I both worked hard at helping them study for these tests. My oldest, D9 is struggling with her spelling and its our goal this year to try and fix that as much as possible. D7 is just starting out with her chicken scratch printing so we are both trying to keep on it. After I looked at their tests and hugs were givin, my w goes to me Hey!! We make an awesome team at helping them study eh???!! I looked at her and smiled but that was all I could get out because I honestly felt like kicking her in the head!! And that is not an anger or a rage issue. I wanted to do it because its what Ive been trying to tell her for 9 and a half months now!!! Its just so frustrating!!! YES WE MAKE AN AWESOME TEAM AND LOOK GOOD TOGETHER DOING IT TO!!!!!!!!!! Do you think she can hear me?

My mind races to S2. Yesterday she says that she had to go out to visit another collegue from work. This person is apparently applying for the same position my w has in the health authority, but in a different city so she wanted my w's advice. That was when my D7 had her meltdown yesterday, so I called w to get some advice on how I should handle this, because all my options were used up short of beating her! (Which you know I wouldnt do!) Anyhow, no answer, give her a text, no answer. So what do you think Im thinking and going through at that moment? And theres not a dam thing I can do. She did call 3 and half hours later saying she left her phone in the car and that she was so sorry. I say BS! she never does that. And her apology sounded so fake!! But do you think that if she was seeing someone else, she would have the balls to do it at that point in time. I could have very easily followed her. People that have full blown affairs are sneakier then that are they not? Like I said, my mind races....And so what? Then I follow her and find her seeing another guy. I guess that would solve a few problems for me then wouldnt it? Ive asked her about a dozen times in the past if there was someone else. Of course she said no. I like to think that Im smart enough to know that of course she will lie to my face, because I lied to hers when I was doing the chat room thing 5 years ago.

Sorry for hijacking your thread S2 and venting again. Its our federal election day up here in Canada , so Im going to go and vote. Just got home from the gym as well so I gotta go shower. I need to go somewhere, find a happy zen place, maybe read my bible a bit and just think. I feel like we are so close, yet so far. In reality, we probably arent even in the same book let alone just a few pages off. You take care. Things will turn out for the better for you, just keep the talks going with your h. I pray hes getting the message.

Im praying that my w's free will, will lead her in the right direction and thats back to me, back to church and back to God. Yes she missed out on Sunday again. And tonights theme at the marriage course is forgiveness. Perfect, my struggles just keep piling up, and my back is getting sore. All I need is faith.

HUGS to you S2. Talk soon.

Joe