Thought I would start a new thread since my last one got locked up. It has been awhile.
Update: Have completed Retrouvaille sessions, continue to read books regarding our marriage/relationship/sex issues, and continue to talk and make changes. I'm not going to lie, some days I think it would have been so much easier to have given up and moved on. I think my H would have had an easier time of it as well. Sure, years down the road we would each have problems again, but it sure would have been easier the first years. Marriage is hard work.
I'm getting a little better at building happiness within myself instead of trying to get it all from my H. When we have bad days, the thoughts of OM still are there. Will they always be there? I try not to compare them because they are totally different guys. I'm also trying to find out how to get what OM gave me that was missing in my relationship. I'm not necessarily looking to my H to do this for me, I'm looking in myself and world.
I'm realizing that the past few years, I have been depressed as well. I wish someone would have told me to see a doctor....even my husband. I couldn't have seen it myself. I have feelings of anger about that. No one even noticed that I needed help. What is wrong with that? Was I so unnoticeable to people? People just didn't care? I pulled back from all my friends, my family, my husband. No one cared? This was even before I chose an affair. It's hard to look at your life and realize all that is/was missing. It is also hard to realize that all of the wonderful things in my life the past few years I was unable to truly enjoy because of my choices and problems.
Thank God for what I have now. The chance at a wonderful life. Every day is what I make of it. I'm no longer coasting in depression, and I'm no longer coasting for an "easy fix". I know what I want and I have to work every day to get it.
Thank you for your candor and continuing to be here. You are so good at helping others - but you need to remember yourself. You know where you are at and what you want - keep that in the forefront.
Hopefully those of us that you have graced with your words and advice do not mind me speaking for them, but if we can help in some way, please let us know.
You are a GODSEND... a definite angel in my books.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
The wife was the same. At one point we talked about it, she thought she just needed meds. I was against meds at the time. She went and got a prescription for AD's from her OB-GYN?
She knew she needed help then. She KNOWS she needs help now. She just won't take the steps to really help herself. Seeking counseling. Seeking out our Pastor. She thinks she can do it alone, herself.
Thank God you figured it out, even if it was on your own.
Try not to place blame. Even on yourself. Too hard for others to see the symptoms. Even the ones you love.
Bless ya', Beej. (my new one, maybe)
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Sometimes the spiral downward is so slow that people don't notice. Then you hit the bottom and wonder how the heck you got there. It is such a struggle to get off the bottom, but you did it and now everyone and yourself included can see that you really were depressed. I am so proud of how far you have come. We are all a work in progress. Hugs.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
From what I understand of my W, her downward spiral took 3 years, so it parallels yours, difference is you made a choice to fight and my W made a choice to run away.
Quote:
WDID: but it sure would have been easier the first years.
everyone takes the easy way out, no one seems to want to struggle, you are one of those unique individuals who is willing to do the work needed to make a marriage work. Your husband is a luck fellow.
We are lucky to have you here with us also
W41 M10.75 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 W files for D 07/18/08
lis- Thank you. You asked if you could help in any way....I have a question for all of you. What makes you happy? Truly happy? I don't want the general answer of "my kids", etc. I'm looking for something that you would "do" on a day knowing if you do, it will make you happy. I need guy input. I know what makes me happy, but I am a girl.
H4h- I wish ur wife had someone else in her life really in her corner. I had that problem, too. Only my egf giving me advice. Beej...nice....kinda like that one.
kat- I think ur right the spiral down was somewhat slow. I guess I do remember my parents saying something, but it was more anger for backing away from them than worry for me. Yes, I am definitely a work in progress!!! Thanks for your words.
Jeff- I think I'm lucky to have met you on here. You and the "gang" have really been a Godsend to me. (((hugs))))
Your asking about US doing something? Like for ourselves?
I'm the type that is happy hanging with friends, like MC said. Having a get together of friends, watching a fight or basketball game and me barbequeing for everyone, drinking some beers.
Getting something for someone. Whether it was the kids saying they wanted something or the wife. I would purposely bitch and moan about them wanting it. Then go out and suprise them with it later. The look on their faces. Especially the kids.
Watching the family playing with the puppies we have. All of them on the floor, cracking up, seven puppies jumping all over them. OMG, what a beautiful sight.
Taking the family to the river. Swimming, chilling out.
Just getting in the car and going for a road trip somewhere. Pack a few things to eat and drink and go.
Going to concerts. Large and small. Well know and unknown.
Where are you going with this?
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Wow what would I do during the day to make myself happy????
Cooking, (wine and music) for someone special. I was happiest when, I could plan a dinner just for W and myself. (no kids) , candles, soft music, a good bottle of wine
Shopping, home decor / antiques, love to check out antique shops or garage sales looking for that little something to enhance my home decor or a conversational item, whimsical, unusual item, etc.
Being around friends and family at the pool, BBQing, swimming, games, etc.
Most stuff I like that makes me happy revolves around being with someone special, family or friends.
Something I would do by myself with no kids, etc.
Work on my house (remodeling my 1930's brick bungalow) Work on my picture projects (I take all pictures for the year and turn them into a DVD slide show with music) Work on my music collection (converting old LP's to digital format)
W41 M10.75 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 W files for D 07/18/08
Thanks, guys. I wanted some things that I could encorporate in my day to make my H happy. I had things I knew about him, but wanted to see if maybe someone had something that I hadn't thought of. I saved those ideas and plan on using them on weekends and make some advanced plans. I gotta keep working at this. Now....ideas for during the week, every day things.....I could go with biking (yet it is starting to cool way down now here in WI)......sports...he loves sports.....Maybe watching with him, grabbing him some beer for the game, keeping son happy.......that's a little something he would probably appreciate. I do this, but not consistently,...hmmm.....Any other every day things ????
