The good news: Hi everyone. I have not posted much, but I want to let you all know that DBing worked!
It is still too early to pop the cork, but after 30 years of marriage, 2 years of crazy MLC, 1 year of living apart, H is home, we are going to MC, and we are getting better and better.
I remember feeling desperate, scared, humiliated, heartbroken, etc. My H was the classic alien, discounting our lives together, full of regrets (about getting married "too young", etc.), saying he didn't love me "enough" to stay with me, etc. He was also obviously clinically depressed, irritable, kind of an a-hole.
I just want anyone else who is in this situation to know that there is hope. I don't think I would necessarily be here today without DBing.
Here are a few things that worked. 1. Stopped saying ILY.
2. Stopped calling without a good reason, and got off the phone quickly.
3. Was always welcoming when he came home, to work around the farm. I told him several times how much I appreciated his help, sincerely.
4. I planted gardens and made home more beautiful than ever...
5. I started dancing, a lot! I took lessons in Argentine tango, swing dance, waltz, etc. I went at least once a week to contra dances (the easiest to learn, and very good exercise.)
I went to dances alone, or with a girlfriend. This kept me away from the phone, got me in physical shape, and let me have friendly physical contact with nice men. (good for the self esteem, too!)
Now that H has moved home, he is actually taking lessons, himself! However, we have the understanding that I can go dancing without him, and I do. (He is always invited, however, if he doesn't want to go, I have plenty of fun without him!) At my age (youthful 53), partner dancing is not a pick-up scene, but might be a good way for singles to meet...
6. I lost weight on "the divorce diet" and got way more physically active. Yes, men are shallow (sorry, guys!) and yes, it made a major difference. I started wearing eyeliner and a little more makeup and dressing sexier, and walking with more dignity, like a dancer. I think it made him a little jealous, but also proud of me.
7. I did not "date", even though he did. I think he was afraid of losing me, even though he wanted to eat his cake and have it too. However, I did go away for a couple of intense dance weekends, and he probably had to wonder who else was there...
Now, we are going to MC, got a used hot tub (wonderful), and he is working on himself. A real turning point was the book "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach, and the antidepressant (for him), which has been a life-saver. (Too bad they seem to have an impact on sexual desire, but I feel hopeful about that one, too...)
Well, it took way, way longer than I ever would have thought, and we are not all the way there, yet. However, now I believe that it is going to be ok.
To those who are still in the middle of this, and don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I say, "Hang in there!" My friends were appalled at how long I hung in there, but they are happy for me, now. My fantasy is that we will someday renew our vows and have a big party. But, even if that does not happen, I am happy!
