Id like to raid this thread a bit. Hello T2L, Hope, and TXmom. Ive skimmed though all 10 pages of this thread and I see there are a couple of successes? (ST and Saddie?) Can I sum up what has went on in the last 4 months for those who dont know, b/c of course I need some friendly advice on an issue that's been bugging me from the night H left. OK, in a nutshell:
me -36 married to H(38) 16yr this Fri, Oct 17. T 21yr.
3 kids D11 S11(twins) and S14
H says "IDLYA you have not been available to me emotionally or intimately. I really needed that from you. You really hurt me. I'm done"
Next eve, 6/19, H moves out - intially lives in our camper parked in his parents driveway until finding a house to rent about 30-45min away.
7/4 H admits EA and asked for D
H consulted atty a little over 1mo ago, came over and discussed preliminary paperwork from this atty regarding child support and visitation over which we made some verbal agreements.
About OW: my H is baseball coach for S11 team for last 4yr. OW's S11 has been playing for this team as well. We were friends and even graduated high school together. She has 2 S and married 17yr. her H is heavy drinker, verbally abusive and controlling (although you'd never know it - that is behind closed doors). She left him about same time H left me.
My H is heavy drinker too admits he is "functioning alcoholic"
When kids are with H (which is only every other weekend and whenever he decides to stop in for an hour about once during the week) since the first time they stayed at his place, OW and her boys also stay. Kids have witnessed their drinking, flirting, locking themselves in the bedroom, OW's picture of herself and H on her laptop screensaver, and H listed as "my sweetie" under her contacts. The most heartbreaking was D11 getting up in middle of night to see H b/c she couldnt sleep and found OW asleep in his bed with him.
OK, so I have read DR and am trying to follow it's principles, but am confused as to whether anything is really working at this point. The book is so right. Begging , pleading, reasoning, pursuing does not work - for me it just reaffirmed H feelings that he no longer loves me, hasnt missed me since he's been gone, and insists I need to let him go. "Let him go" has been the only rational thing he's said since he left, so that's what Ive been trying to do. GAL - I found a wonderful church and I am training with a personal trainer, mostly for strenth training and nutrition (lost over 20 lb - 5'7" 112 lb). Slowly putting the weight back on. My big 180 will be to learn how to be respectfully assertive (I am the very passive type) -and Ive practiced this in a few of our, very infrequent , conversations regarding the kids, finances, and allowing OW to be around the kids. I have also practiced assertiveness in regards to OW's H who , was the one who actually opened my eyes to the A between our S, but then started to become too close to me for comfort - almost like pursuing me. This behavior on my part has left H speechless more than once, so I guess it is working. I will continue assertiveness training with my T.
Ok, so here is my burning question... The night H left I asked why he didnt communicate feelings to me all this time (of course he insisted he did) and he probably did the best he knew how, but I didnt recognize the warning signs. Anyway, asked H if he'd been talking to any of his family/friends about the situation. H says "yes, Ive been talking to Mike and he hates me for the way I feel". Mike and H have been close friends since 2nd grade. We all hung out and worked together in high school, so Mike and I know each other very well. I think you all know where Im going with this......... The rulebooks say do not pursue S or their friends or family, but I cant resist the temptation b/c I know H is in constant contact with Mike since they work together, and Mike and his wife were at H 20 high school reunion weekend. We were all planning on going together and staying overnight 2 nights. Should I make an effort to contact him and tell him my side? Sounds like he is already on my side anyway. Could he be a positive influence on H? Or maybe I will just be setting myself up for more disappointment. Mike has not made any effort to contact me, so maybe what he is seeing on his end is not so good. Then again, its not like we would reguarlly contact each other "just b/c" anyway.
Anyone? What do you think? Reach out or leave it alone?
