H moving out!! Crisis I need help

[Trying2live]

Well the first thing of course this is not the man you married, and you have to come to grips with that really really fast. You cannot at this time expect any kind of rational normal thinking. They are in the fog. No amount of trying to reason with them is going to work, even with the children. They may come out of the fog here and there with the children but then they go right back into the fog again. Please for your own sanity, do not expect anything from your spouse right now. This is going to help you tremendously. If you expect nothing then you won't be let down. No amount of having him feel guilty will work, the fog is too thick.

As far as the kiddies, you are now a single parent. You must function this way, at least for now until the fog lifts. I am the total opposite. Once I found out, I grabbed every book known to man and educated my self on Adultery. The first thing I learned was to stop saying I love you. Implemented that by 2 weeks. Then I learned to stop the chase and let the caged animal free. When an animal is caged it wants freedom, but if you give it freedom then it starts to question if it wants it. So by 4 weeks I let the caged animal free. I stopped all calling, texting, emailing completely. I only communicated by text about if the money was deposited. I think this really bothered him. I started to focus on myself more, i didn't always do well, but I tried to get the focus off him.
For the last 5 months until I started Plan A of the book on OCt 3rd. I did not contact him in anyway unless it was to respond to his verbal beatings via email. I think deep down inside he always felt I couldn't make it without him and I was bound and determined to show him that I was not this weakling he thought I was.
Now I did not bash him in any ways shape or form even in response to his nasty emails. I gave sound calm responses detached and matter of fact. I did not allow him to engage me. Sometimes these spouses will engage you in an argument just to meet an emotional need to release guilt. If they argue with you and pin it on you then they feel better at least until the next time they unload.
I know it's hard, believe me my H moved out 3 weeks after discovery. But you know what there was more peace in the home with out him there. I know it's hard.
Ya know what the kids and I have been sick, I had to call the police one night because I thought someone was behind my house. Guess what I didn't tell him any of it.
Now just recently I have re-established contact with him(as you know I'm doing the Surviving An Affair program) and my DD17 got this horrible bout of tonsillitis. We had to got to the Dr. 3 times. Somehow half way thru the week he found out and asked why I didn't call him(he never would have asked that a few months ago) and I said I didn't want to bother you and he says no call me anytime. I don't know whether or not any of our spouses will come back, but what I'm understanding is there is a natural time progression that must happen for reality to hit most of these walkaways. I was so overly determined I would not call him even if I was in the hospital. I needed to know for myself and for him that I can make it with or with out you but hopefully with you. I did tell him this to his face 1 month in. He had come to the house to see son. HE says so what your just going for get about me, I suppose your not going to wait forever are you? IF you want me back so bad why aren't you begging me? I told him I am the mother of your children and I am not begging. I found it funny. I think my confidence and head strong(not rude or condescending) attitude made him question, is this what I really want?

As best you can start living. You be the family just you and the kids. My advice is to try and emotionally pull away. I remember asking how do you do that, but looking back not I can see what helped. I stopped all chasing right away, did not communicate unless necessary. I had 3 sessions with Jody(I couldn't pay for any more) but what she said to do is to stop all negative communications. Communicate as little as possible until these negative communications have subsided. Any contact I did have if it was for pick up of the children should be confident happy and kinda like i was a neighbor.

Pull back till your head can clear. Be the strong mom. I have full confidence in your ability to care for your children while your H is in the fog. You can do this. Live you and the kiddies. Go do things, go to the park, the beach whatever. If they get sick you handle it, take them to the doctor and do what you need to do. Your H is in thick fog right now, it will clear it just depends on what you want. Decide what it is you want. It will help you and then be honest about what can happen.

I am doing everything I know to do and fighting for my marriage, but I am fully aware it can go either way. But as the Surviving An Affair book says all affairs usually die a natural death. Its just the time frame that's the problem. Anywhere from 6-18 months. Most people don't have that in them. I think for myself since Im a week away from my 1st goal of 6 months I want to try to make it to 1 year. I feel if my H doesn't know what he wants by then well his loss. I was fair. It really amounts to what we all can or can't do and what we are willing to tolerate and for how long and unfortunately we are the only ones who will know that. Come by my thread anytime if you need anything or need to vent...sorry it was so long I'm just rambling. Hope it helps you.
P.S. Just browsed a few posts up. My recommendation and opinion is do not talk about the OW or the relationship or counseling right now. They don't want to hear it they are in the fog and they don't want to be "fixed" or Dr. Phil'd as my H would say to me. All I've read says do not mention counseling right now. There may be a time when you can but its definitely not now.

Think about this, the OW is cheery, confident, full of energy, is happy every time she see's our spouse. She does not want our spouse to go to counseling or try to change him. She likes him just like he is and he feels like the man. This is what we are competing against. I'm not saying that he doesn't need to change things, but it's not the time yet.
Also my opinion as far as lashing out. I did that only once, I apologized later and guess what so did he. The bible says a soft answer turns away wrath. Always carry your self as best you can as a lady, that's what you are. Don't lower yourself.