You're not an idiot. You just want reassurance so much from him that you're willing to let him have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't have to decide between you as long as you're both taking care of him and making love to him. He won't make a choice until he has to. I've been there, in slightly different ways, but I know how it feels. It's agonizing.
Why did you seek his approval about the text you were sending her? I mean--do you know why you told him before sending it? I could speculate and all, but it just seems you wanted him to know you were sending it more than you wanted her to know about ML with your husband. If that's so, do you know why?
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
What do you think? Please be kind..I know I am an idiot.
I think as long as you're willing to be your cheating husband's bootie call, he's never going to respect you, you're never going to respect yourself, and he's never going to do the hard work necessary to reconcile with you.
Hoosiermama... I sent it to see if he would respond to me...He ignored me all day... how do you go from making love and I love you to nothing....
And..wanted to see if he thought about what she would say....
I did not and have not sent it to her...my sister said he will never come back if I do...so even though its slim to nill.... i guess I am not sending
As soon as my initial hearing is over--which hopefully will be next week--unless there are many related legal things pending, I have an email all ready to send OW. It includes a picture of our family on our last vacation, and a description of D's emotional and academic life right now, which is greatly affected by all of this. See, my OW claims to believe she's only been supporting my H while he decides what to do about our marriage. And even claims to believe that she's supporting D and I in that. Doesn't that just make her a lovely person? So I'm sending her this note to thank her for her support and to let her know the results of it. I think it's only fair that she should be aware. And I don't give a rat's patoot what H thinks about it, because he's lived in so much denial so far. Five months out he still refuses to use the word "affair." Well, guess what--that's what he's having. And so is your H.
How do you go from making love to no contact? Easy, for men in this position. They're not wired like the rest of us, at least not right now, and they can compartmentalize their feelings, so they switch between their wives and their OW like flipping a light switch. You'll make yourself crazy trying to understand how his reality works, because it's a delusion.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
It is easy to make generalizations about men and their ability to be unfaithful, but it isn't the case with all men.
I had the painful experience of my W asking me how she looked as she prepared to go out to a single's event in 'support' of one of her many single friends.
Well, she later admitted she flirted but was really not interested in pursuing anything, though she did get the guy's #.
Not a PA, but definitly an unfaithful attitude and playing with fire.
I don't think sending the text to OW or trying to 'mess up her world' would do anything good. It is H who is screwing up. He's the one who made the choice to fool around. In any case, I think it would only make him mad at you. But I definitly relate to how you feel about it.
You can choose to set your boundaries, and not have any sexual contact until OW is gone.....for good.
Though you didn't mention it, I think some would counsel you to give him an ultimatum. The problem with ultimatums is that they don't provide any motivation for the WAS to do the right thing. Ultimatums may backfire.
Last edited by native; 10/14/0806:30 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
An ultimatum is really pointless.. He has chosen to be with her. The interactions of both conversation and intimacy between the both of us happen because I dont want to let go.
He does want the best of both worlds..which cant happen, I know. But when he starts to open up to me, I see bits and pieces of old husband and pray he is coming around...I dont want to give up.
I do realize I have lost the battle...I am preparing myself...
And...whatever emotional connection he has developed with her due to all their phone conversations when this affair started....
being his bootie call is a connection we have... she will never be able to get in between the bond we have in the bedroom. I do want him to remember what we have.
And...whatever emotional connection he has developed with her due to all their phone conversations when this affair started....
being his bootie call is a connection we have... she will never be able to get in between the bond we have in the bedroom. I do want him to remember what we have.
Sandy,
Believe me, he remembers. I don't have to sample the Chunky Monkey to know how awesome Chunky Monkey tastes. But if you keep giving of yourself to him, with no boundaries and no conditions, then you are actually CONDITIONING him for bad behavior. Conditioning and enabling.
I think you know this already. I'm not sure why you come on here and seem to ask us to validate what you're already doing, when what you're already doing is, by your own admission, "losing the battle."
If you want to win the battle -- and the larger war -- then start doing things differently.
Sandy, Puppy is right. You've got to set boundaries with you H, no matter how comforting it is to see those bits and pieces of the old man. He isn't necessarily "coming around" when he comes for his booty call, he's getting his needs met, feeding his ego, proving to himself that he's not really a bad guy, keeping one foot in the door but leaving you on the fence. You are enabling him to do that with the booty calls. You won't like yourself later, no matter which way this goes.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
