Yesterday I felt lousy, sick and icky, spending most of the day in bed. He'd wanted to talk to me about the taxes. I wanted to talk to him about paying our son's rent (he doesn't want to set any financial precedent so he's not doing it). He called in the evening, I thought I had a firm handle on myself.
Ooops Double ooops..
Not a good conversation. Let me feeling so angry and sad. I called my brother first then went down the list of support people I have. Got some help and my brother (who's been through this and has solid advice) called. The first thing I said to him was, "When am I going to learn not to talk to him (spouse) on the phone?" We both laughed. He helped me alot. Talking to another friend sealed the deal.
I even drew in my sketch book.. first an anus with butt cheeks and his doodlesquats hanging. Gaseous emissions were puffing out with words like "A$$hole" "Jerknose". Since the image looked more like a mouse with really big ears and jowls I ripped it out and went for the side profile of a naked man bent over. Sprays from his emissions came out with words attached to each one of them. It felt surprisingly good to let it out.
Today he (spouse) called again about the taxes which he delayed letting me see for months. They're due tomorrow. I almost didn't pick up but figured I'd put my new boundaries in place.. "I'll listen but not talk since I get too emotional." He does know how I respond to things. I was successful.
I bounce back faster from talks with him, don't feel as decimated. I forgive myself for hurting myself and realize whenever these discussions happen I'm making the divorce more contentious.
My daily reading was about control versus trust. If I look at the whole journey, the load is too great, the weight too heavy. If I trust in focusing on today then I will have success.. for the day to day load is light. Trust in myself, trust in God, trust in the process.
