I still believe in miracles

[istherehope]

Hi Sep,

It WAS a great night and it was a great morning too!

I know I can't make him feel things...it's so hard though because I know he DOES feel these things at heart. I did say several times during the conversation that I knew I couldn't tell him how to feel, and that at the end of the day I wanted him to want to be with me, because he wanted to. I hope he understood this, but I was pretty bad. At least I wasn't hysterical or yelling or anything though. It really could have been worse, but shouldn't have happened at all. There were a LOT of things said, so many that I am starting to block out the conversation. I am going to grab onto the ILY for the moment and try to be content with that.

The R talk is horrifying. He was in his room packing and asked about dates again, when I would be at the house, and I said Thursday, and tried to leave the room, then he asked some other dates questions and if I would be staying at my friend's house, and I said "if you want me to." Then he got very agitated, and I don't remember what he said, but I said that I had thought things were going really well here. Of course he started saying mean things like they were tolerable, and it was "alright" to have me around. Thing is I KNEW that he was going to bait me into an R talk. However I probably should have just said that yes of course I was staying at my friend's house on those dates, and maybe it could have been avoided. Whenever dates come up, he starts getting really agitated. He has to have certainty around everything now, which is why I am panicking a bit. He doesn't know how much longer he can take the uncertainty with us and feels that it is what is making him unhappy, but he is afraid that he cannot be happy with me.

Thing is I doubt we will have a jog over the weekend now. I'm sort of back to scratch with him trusting me I think. It's just that every single action was telling me he wanted me there, even his words were telling me that until that evil conversation. So he flies back to Dublin tomorrow night at 9 PM, and then I fly here at around 1 PM on Thursday. Unless I see him online tomorrow, we are unlikely to talk before Thursday, when he will come home very late, like 2-3 AM. I am just PRAYING that Thursday night he will let his guard down with me a whole lot. I did send him an email this afternoon after he left, probably another shouldn't have, but I felt so terrible about him leaving to catch a flight straight from that conversation:

"That wasn't very cool of me to be pushy today.
Hope it did not get your trip off to a bad start. I don't want to go into it much by email or at all, just to say that I realize I was acting disrespectful of your feelings. I think you're brave for being willing to try in any way especially since you're feeling so conflicted and have just come out of being so unhappy. I only want to make you smile and laugh, not make you sad. At the end of it all if I make you sad and not happy and comfortable, then you don't need me in your life. Guess we'll see."

Ugh, ugh, ugh. He lands tonight at 9 PM, so doubt that I'll even see him online tonight or anything. I am feeling sick. I think I need to read the Secret for awhile. I have to believe that something positive came out of this.

ITH