Don't know what to do- Please help

[limbo]

Thanks again Saffie

I have been thinking that, but you know so much is going around in my head right now, breaking down every little piece of our lives.
I wonder if H is just to scared to take that step, and this is what keeps him here, because he knows that the fall out from that step would be worse then him staying with me, he would have to face the world and admit he tossed his family aside for the ow, and he know how people would look at him.
I know the ow is just trying to hurt me, and its worked I am afraid, because I can't make sense of if he loved and wanted me then he would hang on to her.

Its just so hard to figure it all out, and its hard to know if what he says is true.

[DiDi]

Limbo--

Affairs aren't real relationships. Neither one of them were representing a whole person to each other, complete with the responsibilities and restrictions that "real" relationships entail. The fantasy (or as my H called it, GriM fairy tale (apologies to the brothers Grimm-)) is what is so hard to give up because then that means they were duped. They hurt their family for NOTHING.

Our H's were not rejecting us. They were trying to find something... anything... to make them feel that "this" isn't all there is when real life overwhelmed them and they feel like they failed. It wasn't about how he felt about the skank, it was how she made him see himself. If he made her happy, he wasn't a failure, it was you bringing him down, in his mind.

He already had the script (married too young, wrong reasons, bitch wife, doesn't understand me, blah blah blah) prepared in order to allow himself to cheat in the first place. Facing the world isn't as hard as facing you, his family, and himself and admitting he screwed up royally and needs forgiveness. He is with you because that's exactly where he needs to be.

An affair doesn't have to end a marriage if we don't make it more important than it was. That only stops us from moving forward and hurts US. Don't give her any power. Your marriage is none of her business.

[DiDi]

Oh yeah. There is another reason it's hard to give up. They don't want to be the "bad guy". They already hurt us (and often think they'll never live it down) and don't want to hurt someone else (who they have a clean slate with and are the hero).

I know how tempting it is to make sure she doesn't think HE was contacting her. BTDT. I don't know, I guess I'd be tempted, now that I understand why you'd email her, to send one more email saying it is me, there is nothing you have to say that we are interested in. Please stay out of the new life we have committed to creating together. That sounds hokey I guess and probably a bad idea, just saying I understand why you want to send one last email to let her know her revenge tactics didn't give her what she wanted.

No good will probably come of it though. I've resisted contacting our skank with a rebuttal to a letter she mailed him telling him he was clearly making a mistake to give up the happiness he deserved because "God wants him happy"... oooh, this is sending me where I don't want to go... the letters I found tore me up Limbo... anyone can see that if I push the "submit" button. I'm going to anyhow though because some things just can't be unlearned.

[limbo]

Deauxlie,

Thank you for that!
To be honest I did send the email, my H asked me to, he feels she wount leave us alone otherwise...so I sent it, all I said is here is the email you wanted.
I will not be contacting her any further...H has said he has set up a rule to have any emails she sends to him forwarded to me, as I want to know if she is still lurking. And he has called his C, so hopefully he will get into see her soon.

I think that the way I am feeling has to do more with just being so tired of it, tired of working on my marriage.
By this stage we should have been further ahead, and now its like being back to square one!
And I am just not sure I have anymore in me for this, I do know i need to get away, I need to have sometime for me, to sort my head out.

[limbo]

Just got a reponse back from her, she said that she wount be bothering us again.
However for someone who says H caused her so much pain she had to add "Please take good care of H"
If thats not a call out to him I don't know what is!

[hopeforfuture]

Not a call out to him Limbo. Just another vindictive stab at you.

Take good care of you.

[limbo]

Thanks for clearing me up on that HFF! That does make more sense.

H has been sending emails all day telling me he loves me and wants me.
I told him that I would really love is for him to take me in his arms and tell me its all going to be ok, he said he wants to do that to, however we have been home now for a few hours and nothing, not even an attempt to touch me in any way shape or form.
I just feel sometimes that its all lips service, and when it comes down to the actions nothing.
We will just go back to pretending nothing happened!

[runningoutoftime]

Gosh, Limbo I just read this whole thread and I agree with the good advice you got. I think OW is trying to play a game to hurt you and destroy your marriage further (she is one crazy manipulative bit@h!!!). The very best thing is to ignore her and let your husband see every message she sends. This will bring you both closer (eliminates secrets) and he can see what a mean-spirted evil person she is.

So don't engage her in any more conversation. If she continues to try to contact you, let her know you will file a restraining order. Keep a copy of all records for your file in case you do need to file one of these.

Try not to be too angry with your husband. We really don't know what was true or not true and having your family together NOW is more important then this crap from the past. Today is the only thing that counts, and having your kids raised by their father is what's important. If you are hurt and angry just take a breather (let him know you just need a bit of space), and just work on being "friends" with him while you work through your emotions.

{{{{hugs}}}}}

[runningoutoftime]

however we have been home now for a few hours and nothing, not even an attempt to touch me in any way shape or form.
I just feel sometimes that its all lips service, and when it comes down to the actions nothing.

He may be feeling very uncomfortable, guilty and even stupid about this whole thing. Keep expectations low. Be generous, kind, and be a good listener.... but let him have his space. You both need time to heal.

[limbo]

Thanks for giving me perspective, because this morning I have sort of talked myself into that he is playing me, that he wants me to pull the plug, and that he is even with ow still, and this is the game they have cooked up to get me to end it.
I know this is ridiculous, but thats how I have been feeling.

Why now is something I keep asking myself, why now is she pulling this, why not when the were still in the thick of things, why wait this time and start to stir the pot?