I still believe in miracles

[istherehope]

Uh oh,

We just had an hour-long BAD R conversation, and just before he left in the cab for his biz trip. He was asking about the dates I was here again, and then when I was going to my friend's. I kept trying to leave the room and the conversation, but he kept going with it, and I made the mistake of saying that I thought things were going well here.

Then he kept saying that he didn't know if he could be happy with me, and I was so not being DB appropriate. I kept trying to talk him into things, and saying that couldn't he focus on the positives, and he was saying things like I might just need to let him go, and he just wasn't feeling very in love, though he did admit to loving me at least. I think I pushed him pretty hard, and I really wasn't trying to. I just couldn't help it, or so I felt. I am pretty upset right now as he has left, and I won't see him again until late Thursday night, so I left him with not positive memories of me being pretty weak and needy. I asked him could he not think about the positive things that could happen, and of course he wants only to think about the negatives, and that things are just so broken right now. He said he didn't feel good with me in the house, just neutral. His actions totally told me otherwise. I am pretty worried now. I hope I have not erased all of the positive ground that I thought we'd gained. Or maybe I've just been deluding myself. He said he is trying now, but he just doesn't know how much more he can try.

I don't know what to think now. The only positive thing that came from that conversation was that he said he loves me, but it came with the INILWY speech. I said that I loved him too. I even cried a little bit, though not at that part. At that part I asked didn't he think that every marriage had times where people didn't feel in love, and he said he supposed so. He said that he always thinks about everything I say, when I asked him could he not just think about the positive things for awhile. Now I am worried because he has 2 days to really ruminate on that negative discussion we had; I did not leave him with a good, positive impression. I don't know what to do. I am feeling really lost right now. I don't know what to believe, and I don't know if I pushed him further away from me. I said I wanted to just take things one day at a time, and he said he needs certainty. This is why he is insisting on putting deadlines on things, which I don't think is good. I can't stop crying right now, now that he's left, and I really, really don't know what my next move should be. I am worried that he will send some emotional email or something. He talks like it is over, but when we don't talk about things, it feels like everything is good.

I guess my best hope now is that Thursday night he comes home drunk enough to be nicer and more open. I am feeling scared...

Ali--I hope you're right that communication improves. Today was certainly not the best day that we've had communication-wise.

--ITH