Great answer. you are very good at pointing out the underbelly of my thinking.
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I knew the guy, didn't think much of him, and didn't feel inferior to him in any way. So that helped. Also, some mutual friends learned about it - they knew both me and OM - and they immediately told me they never liked the guy, or they came to me with some old anecdote about how he was dishonest all along. So this kind of helped me feel better about this part, although I am "not sure it helped my wife at all.
Exactly like us. Lots of OM and OMW friends are mutual friends but over the course of the past 4 years when my H would not attend the same functions as them , our friends have slowly excluded them and have made similar disparaging remarks about OM.
AND it does not help me. It makes me feel more responsible and more dirty ( for want of a better word ) and strangely a little protective of OM.
During the years that I was lying about extent of affair, I have felt like I shared a secret and therefore a bond with Om. So I would extend to anyone reading this, if you think you have broken contact but still share secrets, then you have not broken all ties.
As I said before H will confront OM . I swing from horror of that , to, well it will make H feel that OM has nothing on him and he knows it. I can understand to a certain extent.
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From your hubby's reaction, it sounds to me that he is suffering from very low self esteem. This is not your fault although it is true that an affair did not help matters. His self esteem problems are likely rooted in childhood, not in anything you have done.
Absolutely and his C pointed this out and H followed her advice to the letter apparently. He has done things for self esteem, and I have no doubt have helped with all my begging and crying and he says he has learnt to listen to his feelings now.
I think CRAP. I sense the low self esteem and I think his feelings are being supported by negative and ugly thoughts. Once they go - who knows. My fear is that I would of given up the good fight and that more and more destructive behaviour by H would put paid to any type of reconciliation.
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but I always thought the adult relationship was primary. She didn't.
And you are right. My friends that have the marriages we all would envy portray this behaviour. Yes they love their kids, yes they do all the extra activities, support them, look after them but they do not put it above themselves. Yes they may choose to eat McDonalds with kids instead of a nice romantic meal for two UNLESS either one of them felt it was their time. They would have no problem saying no to kids. It is a general sense in the home. Mum sees to dads needs and visa versa. These kids are leaving. This is the right thing to do.
We all need to aim for that in our relationships in the future. Find the balance.
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Max - "not crying" in a 20-year relationship is not a sign of strength. It is a sign of refusal to be intimate. And him turning his back - that is his own fear of intimacy. You both have it.
I suppose I felt I had nothing to cry for. Get on with it - kind of mentality.
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You don't need a man. You need you. A man might be "nice to have" but you don't need on
SPM - I am just not feeling that right now. I wish i could.
I feel ok at moment but I have a nasty suspicion it is because H is on the up. He is showing a tiny bit of interest. i know it wont last and we will all go crashing back down. Thing is , I have to stop pinning my emotion and happiness to him - I can hear you from here SPM.
H Raised the subject of Sunday BBQ with friends. Asked if I was going.
I said "not if it made him uncomfortable". He said "they are your friends to"
So we are left hanging I guess.
Not a big deal in the big picture of life i suppose.
SPM has your realtor been able to make any headway with your W ? I hope and pray that you can soon make some advances in communication. I think you are doing well in your limited resources so deserve a break.
