He said it just happened, no big deal.

[Lyn]

well no communication yesterday I decided to make myself scarce and busy. My D had a ball game and she wanted her friend to sleep over luckily for me I said yes took them out to eat brought them home just in time for bath and bed and stayed away from him. Today I plan to be equally busy. I'm so hurt and so mad I dont know what to do, the depths of his cheating (now what I realize is he has done unethical things in his business life to make sure they could see each other and have someone else pay for it) I feel how could I continue to be with a person who should be convicted? Is that a good role model for my children? I hate him for making me hate so MUCH!

[Lyn]

I'm going to a new IC today, I still feel so conflicted about everything but H is being SO NICE and apologetic to me. Wants to just concentrate on the future. I'm trying but sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the pain. I hope it passes soon.

[kat727]

Hon my husband did that too. Was using his company expense account to take her out for lunches. I knew that because he had to submit his expenses and then we had to pay the credit card bill with the reimbursement. Men are so stupid when the think with the little head!! (not much of a brain there)

kat

[SirPrizeMe]

Lyn if you want to get him to leave it is very very simple. a woman has all the advantage in the world. All you need to do is be afraid of him, or what he will do. you can change the locks on the house and file for protection and he will never be allowed back in the house until you say so.

I am not suggesting this as a course of action, but it is done every day. There is no need for actual threat of violence - all you need to do is voice a fear of it. No prior incident is required either.

This is very provocative and so I would not recommend it as a way to negotiate with a person who you think you would like to retain as a spouse.

A better way might be to talk at him, even if he refuses to talk. You could state your principles - and your requirements. "This is not a healthy marriage for me any longer. You are intimate with someone else and that is your business, your choice, but I don't accept it in my marriage."

I had a clear line on the affair thing. When I knew it was happening, It was not something I could "let slide." It was for my own self-respect.

But that kind of thing is sort of counter to the DB philosophy, which is "no ultimatims."

[Lyn]

Thank you both, sorry I've been away for a few days, it is really hard for me to post every day. The new IC is NOT a DB kind of therapist. I think I got a HUGE dose of "tough love". But he thinks with all the cheating and lying my H has done, how much more time do I really want to invest in this. So I was totally reeling from that, then Thurs. we had a big blow up because I went out with a friend and he has slept on the couch for the last 2 nights and my D9 this morning said "I saw you on the couch" kind of as a question. He didn't respond but I feel like this is a passive-aggressive behavior he is punishing me, I knew it on Fri and couldn't eat all day and I'm so tired! How much more of this am I supposed to take??

I get the whole GAL thing and acting "as if" but when do we get around to R negotiations if he continually verbally knocks me down.

To Sir, I keep thinking about the whole A and I'm not sure I can ever get past it. So maybe I'm just postponing the inevitable. I keep hoping each day I will wake up with an answer. At least that's a change, before I was just hoping for the nightmare to end.

Maybe this is progress.

[Lyn]

Hello anyone, I can't believe 2 weeks has gone by already, I've had the flu so been really out of it for the last few days. I feel like I'm in a war, flashbacks, nightmares. So many things trigger the A. He is still here but sleeping on the couch sporadically. How do I address this? Any help would be great!

I'm worried that he is just biding his time to work things in his favor or dump me when he thinks he can get something better? I feel like a dumpy old door mat!

[Lyn]

Well it only took 3 days to prove that! Last night he came home late and yes I was very down to begin with. I've been very sick and he went out with a friend/coworker and took our S16 last night. He got home very late and I woke up at 2 am he wasn't in bed so I went to find him and he was in a fowl mood. I said I was worried and he said in very hostile way with a look that could truly kill someone "I WAS OUT WITH MY SON!" I said "you know this is not going to work so let's just end it now before it gets worse. I will call a real estate agent and find out how much the house will sell for and then we will figure out how to tell the kids." He went berserk and threatened to BURN down the house! OMG! How did I end up ever loving this person?? He got his mistress a job with no experience with his company! I'm sure he will give her any reference she wants! Help her buy a house or anything else! But he will burn down his house before he will do what's right for his kids??!! Can this be real? Tell me I'm not the one who's off the mark here.

[Lyn]

Maybe this post is only for me, and for now I will take that. I saw my new IC on the afternoon of 10/29 he helped with ways to approach my H when he gets on these rampages. It really helped. H emailed me that morning saying he did want to work it out and not split up although he blames me for having some sort of episode that night. What I realized with the IC's help is that (hopefully) my H has a lot of guilt about what he has done and that is why he continually wants everything to be my issue but I need to let him know when he negates my feelings and acts like he did nothing wrong. I know I will still have to deal with that eventually and figure out what to tell our children because I do not want the pattern repeated. (H's father did the same to his mother and wife #2). So everyone agrees our S is at great risk. That being said I've really felt peaceful for the most part the last few days and when I do get the anxiety coming on I try to "Act as if" things were great. Then do what I would normally do if there were not these problems. That has helped. Hopefully H will see me just carrying on as usual and just want to be with me. Who knows. But for now I don't want to ruin my children's Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. We are not promised tomorrow. If we have to split up maybe I can postpone it until Jan. 09. Baby steps!

[kat727]

Just remember you have choices to make. You don't have to have this weight around your neck saying I just have to make it until January. Take each day as a single day and make it the best you can. If you make a mistake, that's ok, that is what whiteout is for! Please don't set yourself up to carry a burden, it will cause more anxiety in the end.

I look at my issue now with my ex getting ready to file bankruptcy, the idiot! Anyway, I already have an appointment with someone that can help me. It won't do me a lot of good stress wise to second guess the situation. I am reading up on options, getting my bills together and see what options are available to me. Face the fear headon and it doesn't seem so evil!

kat

[Lyn]

Thanks Kat, We have had a really bad week so I feel all torn down again. I do really need to get on with my life no matter what the path may be. I'm working on getting a new job lined up to at least distract me and maybe give me some more financial security. I know we are going to have to sell the house, so I'm starting on a plan to get things in order as if we are putting it on the market soon (without telliing H). My new IC thinks my H has narsistic personality disorder and feels it is so hard to treat that I should probably be prepared for the worst. He would like to help us but since my H still feels he acted just fine and I'm the one with the problem it will be a truly hard road. I feel so sad right now.

Thanks for being here.