" You will have to find a real man to take you away like that "
Soooo is this pain i am hearing. Is he now considering himself a failure as a man because I had an affair. Can you relate to these feelings SPM? Hope I am not analyzing or asking to much of you !
I don't think your question is out of bounds, nor is it too much analyzing. I think there is a balance between obsessing about his thoughts and actions, and looking deeply to empathize and understand. You are on the right side of the balance, in my mind.
I felt a little of this, yes, but it was only very early after the discovery, and it faded pretty quickly. I knew the guy, didn't think much of him, and didn't feel inferior to him in any way. So that helped. Also, some mutual friends learned about it - they knew both me and OM - and they immediately told me they never liked the guy, or they came to me with some old anecdote about how he was dishonest all along. So this kind of helped me feel better about this part, although I am not sure it helped my wife at all.
For me, it was not loss of face, or feeling less of a man. We had (have) 4 kids, so the thing that troubled me was looking over the cliff of divorce. I felt a solemn commitment to provide a loving stable home for the kids, and I knew the affair was a threat to that. That is the thing that scared me the most. That is the thing that still bothers me - the thing I feel worst about. My kids will suffer for our inability to reconcile. I promised myself I would provide a stable, safe home, that I would save for college for them, that I would make enough money to go on family vacations to the beach, etc. All this is out the window now, and it pains me.
From your hubby's reaction, it sounds to me that he is suffering from very low self esteem. This is not your fault although it is true that an affair did not help matters. His self esteem problems are likely rooted in childhood, not in anything you have done.
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Do you recognise any of my behaviours and thoughts in your wife?
Yes, absolutely. The things that you and DancingQueen and Sandi described are all very similar to the patterns my wife exhibited. We had four kids - she loved and doted on them. But she neglected me, from the minute the first child arrived. I loved my kids, too, but I always thought the adult relationship was primary. She didn't.
She also had few close friends. She had friends - lots of people liked her - but none were "best friends." None who were really close. And when the tough stuff started happening, she avoided them, shunned them even, where my inclination was to turn toward my friends. She was very close with my family - I have four sisters who love her - but she has "divorced" them all along with me. I don't know if this is an intimacy problem, or just shame.
She also had problems telling the truth to me, about her affair. I guess that's normal, though. At first she rationalized it as "protecting me" but later it was clear that she was just hiding from me.
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I thought I was independently strong, I am definitely capable and up until this year H had never seen me cry. And when i did cry he turned his back.
Max - "not crying" in a 20-year relationship is not a sign of strength. It is a sign of refusal to be intimate. And him turning his back - that is his own fear of intimacy. You both have it.
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It is hard to approach a C when i you unsure of what you need to know. I can see the waste if you dont get the right C.
Sounds to me like you have some hesitance about counseling. Maybe you are concerned about costs. (you said "Waste"). Maybe though, you are just afraid to get intimate with a counselor, because you are aware that you'll have to have some pretty intimate talks.
Counseling isn't for everybody, but it helps. It's a little like this board, but more immediate and professional and personal. IF you think the forum here is a positive experience, then counseling would probably also be good for you. What could you do to break down this hesitance to learning more about counseling?
In my area, counselors are very willing to have one-hour conversaions - free of charge - to get to know you, explain their philosophies, methods, approaches, personalities. Maybe you couls schedule some conversations and see where it goes? I found that interviewing a bunch of different counselors, I was able to find one who I felt comfortable with.
About your prior question Do you recognise any of my behaviours and thoughts in your wife? - my wife was also resistant to the idea of counseling. And when in counseling, she didn't open up.
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My wife's mother never had another long-term relationship after the affair that ended her own marriage. This was when my wife was 6 years old, coincidentally, the same age as my youngest daughter is now. My wife learned at the knee of an expert, how to hide from intimacy, how to effectively avoid mature love between adult partners.
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Any suggestions about how to find yourself most welcome.
Max I really feel for you. I sense that for you, the affair looms large in how you view yourself. But it isn't the thing that defines you. You're a good person, facing some challenges. That's all. You have done a ton of good things, and you have a lot to be proud of. Don't beat yourself up.
We are all, all of us here, finding ourselves. We are all going through what you are going through - getting a life, making ourselves happy rather than looking for someone else to do it.
I don't know how to do it except to say - go out there and do stuff. Try stuff, see what you like, and do it. Embrace things. Take risks. Learn to salsa dance. Learn to sky dive. Learn to speak Mandarin. Volunteer at the local clinic. Sink your efforts into work more deeply. Whatever. Just go and embrace stuff and see what really spins your propeller. It takes time. But over time, if you ignore what other people think, if you safely avoid thinking "I need a man to...X", if you keep watching your own feet, you will find that you are happy with yourself.
Then you will be strong and independent enough to have a good healthy relationship.
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It is not the physical things or financial things i need from a man. I think I need a man to pay attention to me and care about me - watch my back so to speak.
You don't need a man. You need you. A man might be "nice to have" but you don't need one.
