trying to be patient and strong 6

[No Longer BH]

Hey Karen, thanks for checking in on me. I want to share something with you that has helped me alot. As you know, I was diagnosed with cancer back in May, two days before the bomb dropped. I have run the gamit of emotions, just like everyone else here. I have been my STBXH punching bag (after all, I was too sick to love). I then decided that I had to read everything I could get my hands on. I want to share something with you that I think is relavent to what you are feeling about making your H mad. At this point, protecting him is not really protecting him. It is allowing him to walk on you like a doormat. You are laying down for him (and honey, you KNOW I love and respect you dearly. I am NOT saying this to hurt you, just my 2x4). He has made his path and you need to establish boundaries for your own happiness. Here is what I posted to Ready2Change concerning what I learned about boundaries:

Establishing boundaries has been the best thing for me. It gave me some control over what I would allow and what I would not allow. I read a book called "The Secret Laws of Attraction." Here is what the author said about boundaries:


Boundaries are not about controlling others. People will do what they want. Boundaries are about protecting yourself from others. When you inform people, you are simply teaching them how to treat you.....If you dont have sufficient boundaries, you'll get burned and will eventually put up walls to protect yourself. These walls are what keep people out. Boundaries enable us to really open up and be intimate because we feel safe. The bigger your boundaries, the safer and more relaxed you'll feel and the easier it will be to connect with other people.



Setting boundaries is a stretch but well worth the effort becaue of the rich reward: people will respect you. We respect people who have boundaries and we dont respect those who dont. Indeed, we are often tempted to abuse those without boundaries. Perhaps it is part of the survival of the fittest concept - animals casting out the weak and sick so the stronger members can thrive. Like animals, we too can sense boundaries immediately. This is good news. Often, the moment you instill a new boundary, such as "People cant critisize me" you'll either be tested right away or no one will critisize you. People instinctively sense your new boundaries and dont go there. Its a powerful new aura you are projecting.

Strong boundaries enable us to become less needy. We are naturally attracted to the people we like and respect - the people who have a sence of dignity and self respect. When you have boundaries, it is easier to attract the right man or woman in your life. And, without them it is impossible to maintain a healthy realtionship.

Hope that puts in into perspective that it is ok to call your STBXH out on his behavior. He will get angry at first but that is because he does not how to handle consiquenses. You are drawing a line in the sand for you AND your children. In time, he will respect that and things will get better.