I agree with everyone's suggestions above on how to reply, and the creative suggestions on how to deal with a crappy market and where you should live. Finding someone to rent the house while you live there could be a win-win, especially if they can cover most or all of your mortgage. But I'm not really familiar with what the housing market is like in the UK, so take that with a big, heaping grain of salt.
And I have to say, I hope you feel good about where you're at: to where you're exchanging these long e-mails and making progress on figuring out what to do with the house. This has come so far from where you were when he was almost non-communicative and everything was tense. You made that work, girl!
So, where are you going on holiday? I'm so jealous!!!
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
Julia ~ I too agree with everyone else. Tell him that this will be a joint decision..throw out whatever ideas you have with a 'what other ideas do you have?' Don't let it all fall on your shoulders.
Plus don't respond about where you plan on moving to. If it comes up again, you don't know yet there are a few different ideas you are thinking over.
You are so right, the overall feeling of the email was light and bubbly. Very warm!! I'm happy for you
Ohh..I would definatly tell him to hold off until after you get back from your holiday!! Have fun...where are you going??
We're all dying to go on holiday with you Julia......if only we knew where you were going. Enquiring minds want to know.....
I really like the idea of renting the house while the market recovers. It's such a mess worldwide. It can't be any better there than it is here. Absolutely leave the ball in his court for the next move though if you can afford to. Once you do come to a decision on what the next move is, do it together. It's joint property and you need to treat that as business.
You sound so good sweetie! Thanks for your input on my thread. I really appreciate it.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I do think the email was good, positive tone. It seems as though he feels comfortable with you, and I believe that was your first mini-goal, right?
If it were me, I would stall as long as possible in terms of actually trying to sell the house. This is the same thing Jody suggested to me about the living sitch with my H-to buy myself time. You can still go with the estate agents and everything, that will get you time to meet with your H. As Lisa suggested, you might also be able to see whether doing work on the house would then increase the value, potentially meaning more face time with your H.
I'd say that if you can up the level of contact with your H, and make a positive impression every time, you will be in a better position to plant that seed of doubt in his mind.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Sorry I haven't replied I have been mega busy with work - I am off to a congress this weekend and I have to man a stand there for my charity I think it should be fun though.
So h update, I needed my camera which h had for the conference so I texted him asking for it and he sent me a nice text back saying
'Yeah, not sure where it is so I'll get looking' (this incidentally topped up my love bank of him spending time on me; it has been a long while since it was even topped up a little!)
So I said I'd stop by his office the next day at lunchtime and collect it. So I texted him about 12 to say I'd be there at 1 (180 - I’d normally pre-arrange that evening or first thing in the morning but he never does) anyway I didn't hear but his office is on the way back from my printers so I phoned him at 1 to say I was there and looking round the shops, I hung around for half an hour then went back to work. Later I got a text apologising saying he'd been stuck in a meeting all day. Normally I would have been REALLY angry but I sent back a light text saying not to worry, these things happen and I'd eaten a nice lunch instead. He said he'd drop it round my work the next day.
So yesterday I met him for about 5 mins (he looked very handsome and I wanted to give him a huge hug!!). He gave me the camera and I asked how to work it again as I couldn't remember. He showed me and apologised for yesterday and said he'd been hauled over the coals by his directors for workers absence that was his colleagues fault (this was the colleague that was a massive influence on him leaving me and who could do no wrong in my h's eyes). He now seems to have no respect for him. I validated loads. Then he asked if I was on my way home (in the old days I would have been!!) but I said no, I was going back to work as I was really busy (180) I was off to congress and he was really impressed with that, and the posh hotel I am staying in - he got very animated and excited over it. Then we joked about the cat and wait for it... he nearly complimented me on my looks, but don't worry he stopped himself just in time Then I gave him a packet of his favourite crisps which I'd bought him the day before as I had reckoned he would have been stuck in a meeting and not have eaten and he was really pleased with those and thanked me then he went off for his vitamin injection as he had been feeling rough lately. When I said goodbye I touched his arm. So, overall, good methinks.
So to my reply... he knows I am at congress now so I will reply when I get back I think. I agree with all of you that I should be vague about my plans for where I am going to live - he is asking out of guilt imo and for reassurance and I'm not giving that. Also, having the list in my head of what I want is old behaviour that he doesn't respond to well so I am going with the flow.
(((Dan))) Thanks for the hug That is excellent advice thank you and I love how you have phrased this
Quote:
You could mention that the house will appraise better if it's in tip top shape.
I shall use it for sure. The reason there may be a question over the 50/50 split is that most of the money for it came from his Dad and we had an agreement of such before we got married (it is now invalid, I have checked) but it could throw up awkward questions but I think the best thing maybe be to act as if it is 50/50 until he brings it up.
(((Mishka))) I am off to Portugal (the Algarve) with my BFF where it will be sunny and peaceful - bliss! I am going to make sure I don't lose out over this, I can't afford to where as he is in a much better position than me. You are right it is business and I will treat it as I do all my business interactions - firm but fair.
(((OD))) I think you are right, we should see them together *sigh*
(((Ali))) I don't think he did take time to write it as it had errors/ typos in it and that is unlike him so I think he wrote it straight off and sent it. He would have thought about it though I am pretty sure. He is very a conscientious person and this is a fairly big thing for him to indulge in idol chat, well after the past few months. I think it is good about the non-r talk, it always induces guilt on his part and distress on mine plus I don't think he has anything new to add to 'I don't know' yet
(((T))) thank you for stopping by the reason he is eager is to get out of his parents flat - I think they are giving him hassle. I have thought a lot about getting someone in here to rent the other room but I just don't know if I could as it is 'our' house. I think I'd have to move and get a fresh start, or for him to come home to our 'home'. Plus I am particular about this house and I think it would dive the other person and me mad! It is an excellent idea, and probably the ideal solution for a while.
(((Lost))) The housing situation is very down at the moment. Thank you so much for your encouragement, I have to say I am pretty pleased at how far we have come in feeling more comfortable with each other these past few weeks.
(((Sep))) It was a nice, friendly email overall and when I saw him yesterday he was smiling as he came towards me - massive improvement from petrified looking!
(((ITH))) Him feeling comfortable was a major goal, it is stage 1. I want to build on this now, somehow. I would like us to spend another day on the house to finally get it finished - for my satisfaction of completing a project too. We worked so hard on this house I wouldn't like to not finish it. I think you are right about keeping this up and maybe planting that seed, or if that doesn't happen then keeping the unpleasant divorce stuff as pleasant as possible.
Just an update, the Congress is really cool, my stand looks pretty good considering I don't have much to put on it - I'll post some pics in the other universe.
On a different note I just went for dinner with a guy here who got a grant from our charity (unfortunately/ fortunately) he is not my type but he did compliment me all night and was really sweet and when it got to the point (as it always seems to) when I ended up having to explain I was married he did say incredulously that 'he couldn't believe anyone would ever want to leave me'. So that was nice to have that ego boost a little. *sigh*
He wants me to go to the ball on Saturday night, which I was avoiding. It would be nice but I have nothing to wear! Nothing to fear as to anything romantic happening with him but it is nice to be appreciated sometimes.
Thats great Julia! I can imagine that even though you got a compliment like that, it kind of feels empty, as its not coming from the person you most wish. I understand.
As for the interaction with your H... he does sound very into his job and very busy. I thought it was interesting he moaned about that colleague. I wondered, do you know at all if he is actually seeing anyone? Do you have any mutual friends that could tell you? (if you wanted to know).
So he nearly complimented you - what on? Thats good. But has he replied to your email yet, and did he mention that? I've lost track.
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I am due to reply to him on the email front, and H nearly said that I looked good.
You are right the compliment tonight from this guy isn't coming from h so while it's very nice... still, nice to know i'm not on the shelf yet
I don't think I'd really want to know if he was seeing anyone - it doesn't seem to affect my Dbing or wanting him back so I think it is better that I have no knowledge, if it did affect it then that would be a different matter.
Enquiring minds want to know.....
I think it should be fun though.
Then I gave him a packet of his favourite crisps which I'd bought him the day before as I had reckoned he would have been stuck in a meeting and not have eaten and he was really pleased with those and thanked me then he went off for his vitamin injection as he had been feeling rough lately. When I said goodbye I touched his arm. So, overall, good methinks.