Hi Max, it's Sandi. You stopped by another poster's thread and read a long list I had sent of DB do's and don'ts.

I have scanned over a little bit of your thread to get an idea of your stitch. Girl, you sound a lot like me! Maybe I need to go back and read every single post you wrote. I was amazed at some of the things you have said just in the last few posts and how much like me that you resemble. Hope that isn't an insult to you......lol.

I too have always been the "strong" one and had problems with sex and tried to fill my life up with my children and other things. I also have no real friends right now b/c I have almost isolated myself the past several years, except for going to work....where there certainly are no friends there......and for church.....where I don't really have what I think of as "buddies". So, I can identify with what you say.

I did not have a PA but I had a very sexual EA with a man over the Internet. I have said this statement sooooo many times, but here I go again.....I was the last person on earth that you would have suspected of getting involved or even looking at another man! Not b/c my M was so wonderful......but b/c of "me" being who I was as a person. You would just have to have known me in my personal life to fully understand that. However, lonliness in a M will drive a neglected W to do things she would never have dreamed she was capable of doing. So, you will find no judging from me.....that is for sure!

Do you mind kind of cutting to the chase for me and telling me if you and your H are living together? As I said, I picked out a few of your posts to read, but wondered about now how things are between you. You don't have to go into great lengths, just if you are living together. I thought you were from what I read about how he can't seem to "forget" about the A and how he makes curel statements to you about what you wear.....and if it is for OM, etc. That has got to be awful to put up with! You must be very strong to deal with that. I don't think I could.

Michelle, in the DR book, tells us to answer any of their questions about the A. I would think that having to put up with some of the sarcastic remarks is his way of trying to get the anger out, but I also believe that after a period of time, he needs to either find a C to help him deal with that anger or he is going to have to stop saying things to "punish" you or he will kill any chance of a future in a MR with you. A woman can just take so much. I do understand him wanting to punish you and as you probably know, a male ego is the most fragile thing in the world and his has been hurt very badly. They talk about a woman's scorn, but when a man has "lost face"........his ego takes a beating worse than anything we could do to them. I think they honestly have a harder time getting past the idea of another man touching their wife and the woman has about the man having an affair. Just my opinion.

There have been many posts written about how one spouse would have an A and then realize how badly they wanted their M to work. Then the LBS would leave and it would just be a mess......as you described about your own stitch. So, sweetie, you are not alone, by a long shot. BTW, don't be offended when I use the pet name of "sweetie".....I call almost everyone that. Only had one girl to get offended at me and told me she was not three years old and proceeded to throw a fit.....lol. Anyway, you'll know I like you when I call you that.....okay?

I hope we can become good friends b/c I think we both need that. I have learned that can happen right here on this bb b/c it has happen for me. There were some folks that came to my rescue Max, when I first came on board. I still had not completely given up the OM and was still contacting him. It was there wisdom and encouragement that turned me around. I was very mixed up and it scares me to think what I may have ended up doing if I had not found this board. Thank God, I did and they explained to me a lot of things I did not know and had never heard or read how the chemicals in the brain will fake you out and make you think you have "fallen in love" with this new person. Well, I knew he was just the result of a lot of resentment and unhappiness......and especially unfulfilled emotional needs in my life. The OM fed my ego and I got addicted real fast!

When I decided to break contact, it was one of the hardest things I had done.......and trust me, I have had to do some tough stuff before. I couldn't wait until I had reached my three month calendar mark b/c I had been told that was usually how long it took to get over an EA. They were wrong! It took me a very long time. One reason was b/c I was keeping it alive by fantasizing about it. One of the women on the board realized that I was keeping the EA alive in my mind. She was right. So, that was harder than letting go of him. Trying to control my thoughts and not allow myself to dream about him.......wow, tough stuff. I saw him as my knight in shining armour who was going to rescue me from my miserable life and give me all the things my H had never given me. How stupid I was not to see through him. I didn't want to believe he probably had a string of OW on line having EA's with them, just like he was with me. But, as time went on, and I was turning more emotionally to him for support instead of sexually, I begin to see he was not that concerned about all the "problems" in my life. Oh he pretended to be at first....and I loved it, but then he started to always get back to the "sex" and wanting to meet me in real life. So, frightening to think what all could have happened.

Anyway, I decided to stay in the M, but not b/c I felt the "in love" feelings for my H. I felt almost anything but that. It has been two years ago this month that I become involved with the OM for the first time. It has been such a gradual move forward with me and my H that I couldn't tell we were going anywhere until today. I think we made great stride today. But, it was me that just could not make myself do what I need to do.

Sorry, for being so long. You will discover that I write long posts. I will close for now, but I just wanted to meet you and tell you a little about my own stitch and that I think we could be friends. This board is not just for the LBS and there are several WAW's around here. It takes some time to find them. In the meantime, don't let anyone say something that will discourage you. I don't think I have ever had that to happen to me, but I have seen a few angry people that lashed out a time or two at others.

One more thing before I go. Michelle says that starting with a brand new mind set about the MR is often better than trying to piece back together what was once there. When there has been a lot of damage......that seems to make sense. A lot of people want to run away from their unhappy M and start over with a new person b/c it seems easier that way, but that isn't the answer. I hope that your H may finally come to that place where he can have a mind set of starting over brand new.

Hope you will write me back. Would love to chat more and find out more about your stitch. I will try to read more.

Take care,
Sandi

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!