Sandi is here and things are getting better!

[sandi2]

Hi everyone, just wanted to let you know that my H and I had a good talk about our stitch. He was very attentive....even turned off the TV! (lol) So, I told him that I need affirmation from him and I needed for him to talk to me. I realized he did not know how to express his feelings, but if we could try to set a time once a week just to talk about our R that I wanted to do that and that I felt more ready now than when we tried to talk about things right after the "blow up". I also told him that he had always seen me as a very strong person that did not need certain emotional things like other people did, but that I wasn't like that anymore and that I did have emotional needs and that was part of the problem that led to the EA with OM. I talked to him about the OM and what the OM was doing for me and how I had kept the fantasy live, etc. I didn't talk at length about the OM b/c my H had read everything between OM and me so he knew what was going on. I also told him that when I decided to stay in the M that it was more b/c I knew it was the right thing to do and that I could not support myself, etc. I also said that is was not b/c of my feelings for him that I stayed....and he also knew that b/c we had discussed that after the blow up. I did tell him that I appreciated how he had done what I had asked about giving me space and I talked about how I had come here to get therapy and that I felt it had helped me a lot. However, over the past several years I have become a person that I did not like at all and I didn't think that many other people liked me very much, either. I told him I did not know what to do about it but that I needed his help in supporting me and encouraging me. I think it was at that point that I told him I need the affirmation, not so much from others, but from him. I don't think he ever saw me as needing that! I also told him that I realized I had fallen down badly about not doing the same for him. All in all we had a good talk......considering it was this morning before time to get ready for work! I did tell him that there were several times that I would go into the room to tell him something that was on my heart and he would be asleep, so then I never would do it. That was the reason I just stopped everything this morning and didn't care if I went to work or was late or anything. I decided to talk to him while I was in the mood. So many other times I would be in the mood, but it was always the wrong time and then I would get out of the mood b/c I would be too tired or else he was.....it was always something. I can't write down everything we talk about....but I did tell him how he "appeared" to be down in the dumps when he would come home and there would be no supper cooked and how that made me feel guilty. He was very surprised to hear that and explained that he did not expect me to cook when I had put in a day of work (refering to my Fibro)and that we would work something out together.

So, I feel very good about that talk! I just hope I can keep my spirits up and that you all will try to encourage me. You see, I know that my H is a good man, but since he doesn't talk very much then I begin to "think" this or to "think" that about the situation. It usually isn't good. I told him that I felt that at first, after the blow up, that he was trying but that he kind of gave up. Well, he said he was not sure how I felt about him......as far as being in love with him. I told him that I knew that I loved him when I decided to stay but that I didn't have the love a W should have for her H. Anway to make a long story short....or shorter (lol)......I think it went well. I told him that I was finally ready to try harder at our R than I had been doing.

You see, I thought I was trying and was working at it, but I wasn't doing enough. I think I was lying to myself b/c I kept waiting for the feelings to show up and they wouldn't and that kept me pulled down. Just please pray that God will help me not to reject my H's physical touch and that I can welcome it and respond to it the way he wants me to. I told him that even if we never had intercourse again that I still needed the intimacy and I went ahead and told him how lonely I had been for so many years and that the OM was just something that came out of that lonliness. I think he understood what I meant......I sure hope so. I won't just keep going on about the conversation....even though I would like to (lol). I am just so glad that this time I did not put it off or back out of saying what needed to be said.

Just let me tell one more thing I brought up (lol). When we were going to have our nightly "talks" after the blow up, I told him that I saw right away that it was going to be like it had always been.....with me doing all the talking when he would just sit there. That is one reason I decided to just try once a week. Maybe we can use the Marriage Builders material I've printed off to go by, I don't know yet. But I am going to start calling him out about things he says or does instead of letting it turn into resentment. I did talk to him about how I had done that for sooooo many years, but I did not get off into any particular areas.

Well, I suppose I would just keep going on and one about it. Everytime I try to stop, I think of something else I wanted to share with you all. I don't know how soon this thread will close, but I am glad that it is ending on a better note and I can keep the same title to my stitch (lol)....b/c I was wondering there for a few days.

I will talk to you all later. Thanks for being such great friends. You all are my "real" friends b/c I don't really have any outside of this board. Hopefull, as I try to take back my life (God willing), that will change and I will make new friends again. Over the years as we moved or they left or died out......I just didn't get close to others. But you all have helped to fill a very lonely gap in my life. That is another reason I am usually here every night......to be with my friends.

Love,
Sandi