(((lovinomatterwhat))) Have you considered a DB coaching call? Jody is excellent.
I posted the rocks in the river analogy over on Esky94's thread. I first read it on MarriageBuilders- but you may want to read it so that you understand that when you first are throwing rocks in the river to create a bridge, the rocks are under water and you can't see your "work". It takes a long time for enough rocks to be able to break the surface of the water and be seen. Your changes are rocks in the river. Your wife sees what you are doing but doesn't see it as permanent-yet.
My H has made it clear he doesn't want to be married; I have tried to fight this for 3 years and have not been able to (fully) change his mind-I am giving up; an XBF from 14 years ago has decided that it looks like I am *finally* getting out of this "mess of a marriage" and says he wants to marry me when I am divorced. I used to have feelings for him, but now I do not. I have told him he needs to back off and he isn't doing it. I have stuff I need to do-I need to figure out who I am, what I want, etc. Because this xbf has made it so clear he wants a relationship with me *and won't listen to me when I say back off*, when he sends a text (no matter what it says) I feel pressured. When I see that he is online (even if he doesn't send an IM) I feel pressure and change my status to look like offline. Years ago, this xbf hurt me deeply and I don't trust him. (I am getting to the point, really!) Here it is: There might have been an ember of feelings for him if he would have simply acted as my friend and demonstrated change. Instead, he is stomping it out trying to 'make' me feel something. I feel like he is trying to shoehorn his way into my life and it makes me mad. Someone else on the board put it this way-- when you plant a seed, you shouldn't be digging it up to see if it's sprouted. It will kill it. Leave it be so nature can take it's course.
NO more R talks. I bet your W thinks you are being 'forced' on her (pressure from you and her friend) and she wants to feel like you are a choice she can make, not something she has to do. Maybe you think you aren't pressuring her, but she can probably feel the longing from you and that taints your changes.
You CAN do this; you CAN recover. You don't need to move on from her, but you do need to move forward in your life with hope in your heart. And the 'hope' is that you will grow thru this and eventually have a partnership with a woman who really loves YOU. That can be your wife or someone else. You don't want your wife back because she felt guilted into it. That will breed resentment later.
I highly suggest having a DB appt with Jody.
Good luck- chin up- you can do this!!
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and advice. I am seeing a DB coach, but not Jody. I think I might switch over to her as I have heard good things about her in this forum.
I agree about the no R talks. I haven't brought up the topic of relationships in while, but maybe my actions are too pushy and I just don't realize it. The thing is, she makes suggestions to stuff such as washing her car, bringing her breakfast/lunch to her work, etc. She will even say stuff like "it would be nice if you would buy me this nice outfit, etc." Then for her birthday, she tells me that she wants me to go all out with flowers, balloons, nice restaurant, etc. And then out of the blue, she feels like she has to remind me every now and then that it is over between us.
I have been trying to not appear pushy though. I've stopped calling her and basically have her call me for now on. I also try to be the first one to end our conversation when we are talking.
I like the analogy you gave about the rocks in the river. That is so true. This is definitely going to take a long time for the bridge to come up. Thanks again for the encouragement
My ex seemed very distanced today - probably because of what her friend told her over the weekend. My daughter was crying today when my ex came to pick her up. My daughter kept telling me that she didn't want to leave and wanted to spend more time with me. It made me so sad. I hate what my actions did to this family, especially to my daughter.
Even so, my ex did call me up and wanted me to pick her some food to lunch. I was actually on my way to get a hair cut when she called, so I canceled my appointment and brought her lunch. Lately, she has been stressed out at her job and has been skipping lunch or eating at her desk. Anyway, will chat later.
okay, its been a while so I thought I give an update.
Last Sunday was my ex's birthday. A couple of weeks earlier she had hinted several times that she wanted me to go all out since it was her 30th b-day. I sent her flowers, chocolates and balloons to her work. She called me up and was very appreciative. After work, she stopped by my place where I had decorated my apartment with balloons, birthday signs, etc. She was surprised and I could tell that that made her happy. Afterward, we went to a very fancy restaurant and had a wonderful conversation. Funny thing is, at the restaurant she told me that I was the type of person she could learn to like. Overall, it was a good night and I honestly didn't want it to end. She later called me up where we talked some more before finally going to bed.
This morning she called me up and asked me why I am being so nice. I told her that I am simply a nice guy. She then told me in a joking matter (although inside I took it as no joke) that she is still not getting back with me and that she sees through me. I responded by saying "who says I want to get back with you" in a joking way. She then said "hay" in such a way that she might as well have said "what do you mean you don't want to get with me." Anyway, I do have to admit I felt like crap after she told me that.
Odd thing is, she was texting me all morning just to txt talk. It was nice. I am still confused as to why she feels the need to have to keep telling me that she is not getting back with me even though I do not bring up the relationship. Although she does that about once or twice a week, it still hurts to hear it and to have to blow it off. I think she sees a lot of changes in me and is still wondering why I am being different - so maybe that is a good thing. Trust does take time.
Always good to hear from you. I do feel like I've made some gains lately, but I am playing it cool and trying not sabotage the progress by getting all anxious or excited - at least not around her.
I feel so defeated right now and to be honest with you, this week has been really good for the most part that I really should not be feeling so down. This week my ex moved into her new place with her best friend. I took several days off from work to paint, move furniture/boxes, etc. Her best friend was working, so I got to spend a lot of one on one time with my ex. We played around a lot and she began to open up more to me, sort of like when we were dating where she would tell me things about when she was growing up as a kid or about events that happened in her life.
There were several moments in particular that stood out. One was when we were talking about something (I do not remember the topic) and I said that God works everything out for our good in the end. Then she made the comment, you ditching me - how was that good. That threw me off guard and I blew it off/changed the topic or something. She and her best friend also got into a huge fight over the phone. My ex was complaining to me that he is selfish, inconsiderate and acting like an a-hole towards her since they brought the loft. He also told my ex that he does not want me in the house and my ex replied that I could go over anytime I wanted to. I heard the entire argument while she was on the phone and it was pretty bad. It made me really mad inside that he was treating her like a jerk, but I simply listened and validated her feelings. At one time during their argument, my ex told him to refinance the loft in his name because she was not going to put up with his crap (I wish it was really true - rather than something said in the heat of battle).
Today, we went trick o treating with our daughter and got all dressed up with our outfits. It was nice and we had an overall good time. The thing about this week that makes it so hard, is that I feel so close but yet so far away. It has been a long time since I ahve seen a lot of the old furniture we brought together and various items. It brought back a lot of memories. It is also difficult helping my ex into her new home knowing that it is not our home. I love my ex so much and it feels like I am never going to get her back. Today when I finally got home, I jumped to my bed and cried/prayed. My ex reminded me again in the course of our conversations that she is still not getting back with me (funny her she keeps bringing up the topic). But like breton39 said, I need to remember to watch what she does, not what she says.
It is amazing how I can be making progress and yet still feel hopeless. So many times I wish I could just pour out my heart to my ex, yet I know that that would only defeat my chances. I feel like I am giving this everything I got to try to reconcile with my ex and it seems like it is only getting harder - especially with the holidays coming again. I honestly feel like giving up right now and I know I will not - but boy do I feel like it. I have notice that I feel like this especially when we have had a great time together and I go back to my place afterward. I think those good times bring back a lot of feelings.
Her moving into a new place with her friend is especially tough for me right now. I feel like I am watching my dream pass right before my eyes. The place is huge and I know we could not afford a place like that on our own. Like someone said though, it is just a house.
Well, I am mentally/emotionally exhausted right now and think it is time to go to bed. Will write later.
have you ever heard that Grateful Dead song with the line that says something like when you left how was I supposed to know what you really meant was please don't let me go?
Don't worry. You're ex is totally into you. It's just a matter of time, patience and proving yourself to her to build the trust back up. THink about it. You put her through 2 years of back and forth. Maybe it will take at least one year for her to stop saying that she's not getting back together with you.
I would wait a few more months and then if she says it again, just tell her that you understand and you respect her decision, but to please not keep mentioning it because it hurts since you are extremely sorry about what you did, regret leaving her and wish that you could still be together.
thanks for the kind words. I know these things take time and lots of patience, but my ex is worth the wait. I feel like I am in the pre-dating stage, where two people are getting to know each other and trying to figure out whether to take it further. I know I still got lots of proving to do and that's okay.
Today she was telling me that her co-workers were asking her if she was sure she was divorce because ex-husbands don't normally do what I am doing for her. She also told me that her best friend was asking her if she was going to get back together with me or not. She told both parties that we were just friends, but I took their statement as a compliment.
I don't want to get to ahead of myself, because I know that I still got a long way to go. But it is nice to see that progress is being made.
