Wow, BC. What a sitch to be in. I just feel you being pulled on both directions. What you KNOW you should be doing with what you FEEL you want to do.
You are the one controlling it. If you find out that she DOESN'T miss you, then better you find out the truth now than later. You would know that it wasn't because of your actions. MAKE her miss you. Take Puppy's advice. Your still giving her grace at the same time. Right now, just give her a little of yourself. Sounds like your playing it ok. Just don't let it mess with you.
I envy the position your in and at the same time, I can see that it is STILL hard for ya'.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
its tough, ultra tough. On the days I don't have my son, she does, and she invites me over. I have hoped and prayed for 4 months that my wife would at least want to do stuff together WITH our son FOR our son, and now she does, in addition to wanting to be around me. That is, to say, I know why: because the OM is long gone. It's crap that it has to be this way, but we're around each other for our son. W asked me if I was going to stop talking to her again (go dark) if she chooses not to get back with me. What do I say ?
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
Ok - I was one who had A. I lied for years about extent.
It was not until he stopped being available and stopped including me that I came out of the fog.
I had no contact with OM but I shared a secret. I no longer share the secret.
I am fighting tooth and nail to save my M.
There has to be something in this not being available to spouses, not saving them, not loving them. I think it is human nature to want something you cant have. Our problem is though, making sure that is not the only reason the M starts again.
i am so very sorry. i am very lousy at giving advice, mostly because i have so much drama in my life i hardly get to other peoples' threads.
i was fighting tooth and nail (and tears) to save my marriage. i was completely dumbfounded last week when after telling my wife to piss off, she came back and held up the white flag.
it shouldn't have to be like that.......for anyone.........
none of this is fair, people who truly repent should have another chance. i wish you the best of luck in your situation
one question though, what was your secret? the affair ?
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
Tell your wife before you become intimate again you will need her to be tested for STDs. This is to protect yourself. Who knows what OM may have given your W (besides a baby). I've read of others here being infected by returning S so this is IMPORTANT.
I don't see a reason to go dark on your wife. Like Puppy, I agree that she's untrustworthy and just reaching out for any man (you) because she finally realizes these other guys don't want her at this point and you are all she has. But now is your chance to offer some support. I don't see how pushing away, or going dark at this time would help you. I personally think you need to be a friend and just go slow about reconnecting. Keep some distance FOR YOU and your sanity. So you can feel comfortable. You both have a lot of healing to go through. Tell her you need to go slowly to redevelop friendship and trust. Tell her you have a child together and she can always count on you to be there. You won't turn your back (like OM), but you need time and space to heal.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
For the record, I'm hinting at going dark for the same reason I order my steak "medium", when what I really want is "medium-well." BC's tendency has been to err strongly on the side of over-pursuing, so I took that into consideration.
If advocating darkness leads to some dimness, I think it would be good, as some dimness is in order -- for his own self-preservation, and also for his wife to have time to consider -- and feel -- the consequences of her poor decisions.
I do not think he should be overly supportive emotionally.
for his own self-preservation, and also for his wife to have time to consider -- and feel -- the consequences of her poor decisions.
Puppy, I think your advice is good and I understand your point. But I'm wondering how long would you suggest he goes dark? I know he has great difficulty with this. Knowing exactly what to do. Also, at what point do you think his wife will feel the consequences for her poor decision?
I don't know if this lesson can be taught and absorbed by every student. And even when it is, over time it does tend to be forgotten (like the pain of child birth). Even then, some might need to be divorced and on their own for years to fully get it.
With BC's wife.... I don't know.... from what he has described I have a feeling she may be desperate and if he's not there, she'll just grab onto another lifeboat. Although I believe BC would be better off without a desperate, needy, woman who just wants any man to save her, but for his child's sake, I would prefer it was BC.
I might be totally off base and wrong on my thoughts here...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I don't know the answer to that. I'd say only "much longer than he has so far." Wasn't it only about two weeks ago (maybe less???) that she basically told him to F off and not come around anymore??
MWD teaches "180s," and trying something different. BC's natural style is to go rescue, as is mine. I'm suggesting a different approach, and the fact that she's ALREADY responded to it would indicate to me that it's working. But she has to see that she can't just merely make one perfunctory yank on the rope, and BC comes-a-running.
I dunno, how long does one make a recovering abuser, who SWEARS he's never going to hit his wife anymore, and who's "completely sober now!" demonstrate that they're safely working on their issues, before they let them back into their lives? Three months? Six?
