S, I had to chuckle at your comments about the shoes and clothes that you h had been wearing. They all appear to be reading the same book on what to do or not to do throughout their self examination of themselves. He'll continue to try on different "masks" along the way until he finds one that he's comfortable w.
You've been well in allowing him to be himself...no demands. But what about you? I'm concerned that you've been at this for a while and as a lbs, we never worry about ourselves during this time. Are you taking care of yourself? Staying busy w/those things that you've wanted to do and never had the time? While he's out blazing a new trail in the universe, you too should be rediscovering yourself during this time.
Just remember, it all takes lots of time, energy, patience, compassion and empathy when they are trying to find themselves. Whether he comes or not, it's out of our control. The man upstairs will be the one to determine whether he's ready to return to you or if there is another destiny for the both of you. I do think, from what you've posted, he's got a ways to go.
BTW, many of them do want to return, but the lbs has moved on and has shut the door on them. Some have too much pride to ever admit to the lbs that they screwed up and want to come home. Others will never grow up and like the tunnel so much that they stay in it and become bitter old people who are all alone at the end of the day. But for now, keep the faith and hope alive. We do not know the outcome of your h's destiny but we can pray and support you along the way. We can hope that he's going to be one of those that will want to come home and start anew w/you when he's finished growing up.
Continue to post...it helps sometimes to talk to others.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Once again ---I respectfully --but totally disagree with Braveheart's analysis of MLC. Yes --short-term you do not see many turn arounds with the MLC spouse --in fact they look to be getting worse or certainly no better. However all of us keep forgetting that MLC in many ways is a second puberty --and if you will remember puberty can take a long time to complete. Yes, I know of one spouse who returned home after four years and was fine --but many others seem to take far longer --depending on their inner issues. And of course we are talking about MLC'ers who were of decent character before they started this journey back to youth. Otherwise MLC will simply compound the loose values that were already there.
The deeper the issues the longer the time it takes for them to be resolved. That's why it takes guidance from above to keep the left behind spouse focused on this long and difficult path.
For those of you who are still standing for your spouse ---stay encouraged.
S, As each person is an individual, so is that person's crisis/transition. No two will be alike, therefore the journey of each will be different. What governs the crisis is emotion. What transpired in each individual's life and has been stuffed down and forgotten will come forth at some point in their life, whereby that individual will have to evaluate and re-evaluate their life. That is what your h is doing right now.
With all of that being said, no one can tell you just how long his journey will take. You are the only one that can determine when you've had enough of his behavior and the waiting for him to wake up, if he wakes up. You know your h better than anyone and know what type of relationship you had prior to the Mother Ship scooping him up. That's why it is very important to take from this board what works for you and leave the rest here.
It's very important during this time that you keep the focus on you and if you have children on them as well. It is very important to have patience and yes, plenty of faith. Your patience and faith will be tested quite a bit during this time and you will want to toss in the towel quite often. But, I suspect that you will be one of those who will stand and be there for him in the long run. Your h doesn't realize what a very lucky man he is to have you in his corner. One day, he may wake up and realize it.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Once again ---I respectfully --but totally disagree with Braveheart's analysis of MLC. Yes --short-term you do not see many turn arounds with the MLC spouse --in fact they look to be getting worse or certainly no better. However all of us keep forgetting that MLC in many ways is a second puberty --and if you will remember puberty can take a long time to complete. Yes, I know of one spouse who returned home after four years and was fine --but many others seem to take far longer --depending on their inner issues. And of course we are talking about MLC'ers who were of decent character before they started this journey back to youth. Otherwise MLC will simply compound the loose values that were already there.
The deeper the issues the longer the time it takes for them to be resolved. That's why it takes guidance from above to keep the left behind spouse focused on this long and difficult path.
For those of you who are still standing for your spouse ---stay encouraged.
Ottocat
We don't have to agree, in fact, if you can provide me with some information to prove what I said was wrong, I will change my opinions and agree with you! What I have said is based upon what I have seen on this board. Unfortunately, what I have seen on this board, for the most part, not 100% is that once the MLCer is with the OW or gone, that's it. Please provide some info to the contrary.
Be that as it may braveheart it is unlike you to come out of the gate smashing a LBS's hopes.
Whatever bitterness you're harboring, check it, and be sure it's not coming across in your posts to someone with less than a hundred posts under her belt.
Peace,
AmyC
AMYC, you know how much I respect you, I have said many times that you have more guts than anyone I know. With that being said, it wasn't my intention to smash anyone's hopes, in fact I wished her well in what she was doing. I merely stated that based upon what I have seen here, it was a tough battle and the odds were against her in a big way. I also don't harbour any angry or bitter feelings, in fact, my life is a lot better than I ever thought possible, not too long ago. Part of that is due to the fact that I have learned to look at things in a realistic and honest way.
That's cool Braveheart and I completely get your position but one person's "realistic and honest way" of looking at things shared too soon with someone who is still making her way through her own perfect storm - is reckless, IMO.
Sorry to talk around you, snowmm.
Now...about this:
Quote:
I'm truly doing what God has told me to do...except...come here. I came here for some answers and ummm I think I made God jealous. It has already cost me - dearly.
God has not pulled the rug out from under you for coming here. Nor has He "punished" you for this brief visit, I assure you.
Yes, God IS a jealous God however you haven't posted enough to suggest that you are worshipping the principles of DBing as opposed to God. So that being settled, I'd be interested to hear why you've made the above assessment if you are interested in sharing. I respect it if you are not.
I will tell you this though, if you're not communicating with people of like mind - the enemy's voice can begin to sound an awful lot like God's.
S, I had to chuckle at your comments about the shoes and clothes that you h had been wearing. They all appear to be reading the same book on what to do or not to do throughout their self examination of themselves. He'll continue to try on different "masks" along the way until he finds one that he's comfortable w.
You've been well in allowing him to be himself...no demands. But what about you? I'm concerned that you've been at this for a while and as a lbs, we never worry about ourselves during this time. Are you taking care of yourself? Staying busy w/those things that you've wanted to do and never had the time? While he's out blazing a new trail in the universe, you too should be rediscovering yourself during this time.
Just remember, it all takes lots of time, energy, patience, compassion and empathy when they are trying to find themselves. Whether he comes or not, it's out of our control. The man upstairs will be the one to determine whether he's ready to return to you or if there is another destiny for the both of you. I do think, from what you've posted, he's got a ways to go.
BTW, many of them do want to return, but the lbs has moved on and has shut the door on them. Some have too much pride to ever admit to the lbs that they screwed up and want to come home. Others will never grow up and like the tunnel so much that they stay in it and become bitter old people who are all alone at the end of the day. But for now, keep the faith and hope alive. We do not know the outcome of your h's destiny but we can pray and support you along the way. We can hope that he's going to be one of those that will want to come home and start anew w/you when he's finished growing up.
Continue to post...it helps sometimes to talk to others.
I wanted to share my thoughts on what Snodderly said. First, let me say that Snodderly probably has more experience in dealing with MLC than anyone on the board and she offers some very good suggestions on things. I would like to comment on her statement. "Some of the MLCers have too much pride to ever admit that they did anything wrong to the LBS" I would agrue that if someone still felt that way, then they really haven't navigated through MLC. Comming out of MLC is supposed to be an awakening, acknowledging wrongs and doing better for the rest of your life. Anyway, that's my take on it.
Well, I almost didn't show up but God kept the little nudging in my head and here I am.
Amy C - I can not begin to tell you how many times that I have thought about your comment about the time you saw clearly your husband praying by the side of the bed to help you come through your own crisis. A lot of times when I have had a down day I think about that. Thank you for sharing that.
I agree, Snodderly has a lot of experience. I have been reading here for years...started reading long before I logged on. I have cut and pasted her thoughts and comments into ... well let's just say that she takes a lot of space up on my hard drive.
Amy C. - what I meant about it costing me and that God is a jealous God. I had stayed away from these boards for about six months - with only a brief visit. I did it on purpose. The past Saturday God told me to go ahead and check out what Hearts Blessing had to say about the MLC. (I had copied a lot of her information too but didn't have as much as I do now.) Anyway, then I got drawn back to the board and all of the time frames and got discouraged again. When I keep my sights and focus on God...I do okay. When I listen to the world I get discouraged.
Snodderly, When my husband went into the thick of this...my daughter was having my first grand child...then my mother took ill and while she was ill my father's artificial hip went out - four times before we got my mother stabilized enough so that he could have the surgery to fix the hip. By that time my daughter was pregnant again - yep her kids are 20 months apart - and a little over a month had gone by from the birth of the 2nd one that my mother died from ALS. The last two years have been a whirl wind for me. If things could go wrong...they went more wrong.
Have I done the things that I want to do. Yes and no. I haven't had much money so I've done the things that I can afford. My husband makes sure that I get to see my daughter and grandkids. He made sure that I was able to help and be with my mom and dad every weekend from the moment they needed me - even through to this day.
I know this takes a long time. I didn't wait on my first husband even though God told me to. I waited almost four years and then went on with my life and that no longer included him. Once the divorce was final...four months later he wanted to know where my heart was. By then, it wasn't with him. (It took my ex husband nine years to go full circle.)
Amy C. God is giving me a 2nd chance. It isn't any easier the 2nd time around. There are differences but some of the things I could see coming. I can't say that even seeing them coming changed how I reacted. It still hurt and I reacted the same way. When I went through this with my ex the ONLY thing I had to help me was Jim Conway's book. Internet didn't exist. Libraries did and I did a lot of research. I will admit...I have stayed with my husband because God asked me to. God has made promises to me along the way and I am holding on to them. That along with a lot of prayer keeps me going and sometimes sane.
I'm not trying to control this - well maybe after my mom's death and her funeral. I just thought he should be with me instead of spending time with the OW but he just didn't get it. I remember him talking to me with tears in his eyes but he just kept running. I let him do whatever he wants. I don't ask about the OW and he seldom gives me info. He does keep me informed if her kid is in the hospital or when she had to have surgery due to her breast cancer. I haven't followed up to see how her treatment is going. I just pray for her speedy recovery. :-) I know it's out of my control.
Ten days before my mother died God asked me to give two things to him. One was when my husband's salvation would take place. (I wanted my mom to see him saved before she died.) And two, whether my mom would get to see my grandson before she died. I knew when I gave them to God that the first one was not going to happen - meaning his salvation would not happen before my mom died. The 2nd one did happen and it happened within 24 hours after I gave that dream to God.
I can give you the date that God told me that all of this garbage that we are going through was going to be for my husband's salvation. (If you want the date...let me know.)
There are other dates that I have but I'm not to share them with you right now. I can share with some people but I'm not able to share with everyone on the board right now.
I know there are still rough days ahead but they are few for me. Those rough days coming are going to be for the OW - I'm having a hard time feeling sorry for her but in a way I do. I pray everyday that she will just let my husband go but I don't know that that is going to happen. (I haven't asked God about that yet.)
Three days this week he has been super nice to me. Today, I haven't heard from him at all and he is out of town. At first, I was scared of the super nice stuff and then it hit me. He has been so nasty to me for so long...about 5 years now that I didn't recognize that he was back at first. I'm beginning to see some of the man that I used to know. I'm sorry that he has withdrawn today but I'm glad that I was reminded of how nice a guy he really was/is.
If I put his actions side by side with my ex husband's we are coming up on the nine year mark with my husband as well. (This time includes the transition at the beginning I don't know how long the transition at the end is.) I am tired and I guess I should be.
Snodderly, I guess I am saying that I am taking care of me the best that I can. This is the 2nd time for my girls and they are behind me 100% in this but they both are living their own lives. I'm here when they need me (and one still lives with me).
I have spent a lot of time reading what Hearts Blessing had to say. I realize that my husband is still in the thick of things. Not that I'm too happy about it but it is what it is.
braveheart - just so you know. God wins in this MLC. I don't know when but I know He wins.
I think a lot of LBS who do stick it out and who do get their marriage back on track are probably just so tired when it's all over that coming here is the last thing they think about...or have time for. Yes, I can see why they get tired, and it is easy to get discouraged, but you have to get your strength from the Lord and not the board. :-)
Ottocat - is your story on the board? I would like to read it...if not, can you recap for me? Thank you for your support.
braveheart - I don't think you speak the truth for all cases. I think you need to let the MLCers speak for themselves. I know that three years is not enough. Been there and done that. What you said hurt and you sound bitter. Not at us but you take it out on us. It's okay...I've gotten over it. I have gotten through this because of a lot a help from God, friends, co-workers and family. But through it all I have to repeatedly tell myself...hubby is just in his teenage years. I have gone through 7th grade to 12th grade...hopefully soon we will be in the first year of college and then he will start waking up. (Just like my girls did when they got to college.)
Snodderly - I'm doing what I want to do but take care of my husband and son. They just don't want me or need me right now. It's okay - I have been there with my girls when they were in their teens. They just want to make sure I'm home and then they are off again. I really miss watching the sports things with my husband. I hoping that I will get that back when he comes out of this.
I can't tell where he is in relation to his past life. When I think back to his life as a young kid it brings me to tears. He was emotionally abandoned by his parents and physically by his older sister and brother at the age of 10. I really hope that he is able to work through that.
Ottocat - I'm with you on the time frame on this. I don't think we give it enough time. I think more like 5-7 years through the rough times not 3-5. Having said that though two years ago when I thought it was going to be three years I thought no way. Now I know that if I want to go somewhere into the future with this guy I'm going to be here a lot longer. I don't want to get my hopes up and then have my husband go away - emotionally - again. I want him to work through everything. I don't push him for answers. I just keep thinking over and over...he will come to me.
braveheart - you are right. The odds are against me. BUT this isn't about me. It's about the MLC and God and well the odds are not against God and when we step back and let God handle things...we all win.
Snodderly, having said what I said just above let me say this. God is taking care of me. I am taking care of God's business here on earth with my husband. God asked me to come into this family in 1995 to show them love. This time I'm learning how to love the way God wants us all to love each other. Unconditionally! It is hard because we grow up believing that we can change people. That isn't want God wants me to do. He just wants me to love my husband - without any conditions attached. When I do what God wants me to do...the rest will fall in to place. (Remember Job!)
Amy C. - I just got really depressed on Sunday and there were a lot of things that contributed to it. Braveheart's response was not helpful.
I pray everyday that my husband will be able to push aside his pride and do what God wants him to do.
Okay I have to go and take my daily therapy - BATH TIME - thanks everyone!
I have been at this MLC'ing experience since 2002. My H had a total meltdown the spring of 2002 after his father died. Prior to his dad's death --my H had been a serious Christian -- deeply involved in our church --in a men's Bible study ---Promise Keepers --etc--etc. He was the LAST guy I would have thought would have fallen into this "pit" ---but he did.
I had just lost my father to very tragic circumstances the year before ---and I was also recovering from the effects of a serious neuro-muscular disease that had leveled me in '97. So you can see that my H's MLC was the "cherry on the sundae".
Our pastor tried counseling with us both --then a psychologist was brought in. That's when a "label" was put on this "madness". But as 2002 progressed, my H's insanity did too. And by November he was gone.
Our church tried everything they could to bring my H around --even after my H got an apartment. But nothing helped and in 2004 I was divorced. By God's grace --I was able to keep our home and land --and a growing home business.
Now I am doing fine --very busy with the house and property and the business. I am active with Dr Conway's group --a small prayer group that is a spinoff of the larger one that "meets" via phone each week --and I am plugged in with Rejoice Ministries --in addition to lurking on this site.
You are right ---many of these MLC's take quite a long time. In fact from what I can see --some of these situations could take up to ten years if not a bit longer. And I am including my situation in that category. I now see how damaged my H was --and am learning how unhappy his homelife was as a little boy. Only the Lord can heal those deep wounds and only He can restore marriages destroyed by MLC madness.
I know that I would have never grown as a Christian had I not been thrown into this "fire". All I can say is that the Lord has a plan for our lives and He will use even these very difficut experiences for our good and His Glory.
Do stay encourgaged, Snowmm. The Lord is growing you up so you too can help others one day.
And yes ---Snodderly is a true blessing on this site. Many of us in Dr Conway's group have learned much about MLC from reading her many postings!
