Max...you said: "The only people I am vulnerable with and really drawn to are my children. They leave me with the feelings of wanting to protect and care for. There is not a single thing they could do to me that would dent that love."
There is a clue for you here. In fact, I used to feel exactly as you do...I felt that the only people I could be open to true intimacy with were my own children.
HOWEVER...what actually happened was that I put our children as an intimacy buffer BETWEEN myself and my ex-husband.
And now in retrospect, this was not "right". It was not true initmacy with my own children EITHER because I "used" them in this way. I "used" them to pour all my love and devotion upon, while I did not pour the same love and devotion upon my ex-husband. I "used" them to "fill me up" with love...instead of being a mature person who makes herself happy.
So for so many years, I thought that at least the one area I got it right was with my children....and yet...
My daughter is now aged 25 and has a daughter...and I can see that she and her partner are in the middle of a sexless marriage happening because both of them are so in love with the baby that it trumps their love for each other. They are both contributing to this problem....they are both making a HUGE mistake....and yet, my daughter believes that this is how you are supposed to raise children...that they SHOULD come before your partner, because I AM THE ONE WHO TAUGHT HER THIS AND SHE BELIEVES ME TO BE THE BEST MOM IN THE WORLD!
Max, how I wish I could tell her that I was wrong...that I should have never placed them above their father in my heart....
Please think long and hard before you believe that your intimacy with your children is as pure as you thought before....
