FWIW-- It took us a while to get where we are now (really, really, amazingly great). He was NOT fighting for us and I was angry after all the fighting I did for us. I guess I hadn't truly forgiven him for taking away the innocence. For the way I felt every morning when I awoke and thought of his being with someone else. For the insecurity I felt when ML-- the fear that he thought of her then,or when we heard a song that came out during that time... a movie I wondered if he watched with her. I woke up and chose to trust him with my heart every day. But part of me could not.
We got into some horrible fights and all the resentment came out and I almost went back home a few times. Not the healthiest way to "dialogue", I assure you. But getting to the point where we almost lost each other again kind of shifted our focus and jolted us into getting over each hurdle.
Another thing Ali wrote to Kalni hit me, because I know it's true. One of the things that absolutely sent him from scared, feeling bad about himself and insecure that he'd ever be able to make me happy was when I forgave him. The fact that I fought for us when he couldn't really hit him. Hard.
What Sara says... I can't imagine going to our son's graduation or our grandchild's birthday party with someone else. The memories we've made for the last 20 years mean even more because we've had to work so damn hard to get to where we are now.
The last triggers were in the past hurricane season-- that's how he met her, rebuilding her deli/tavern after Katrina. I even called Sara... I was afraid they'd call each other after/during Gustav and Ike to make sure they were ok. The last one was this past September 12. We celebrated our anniversary in that city, during Ike, and I worried that places we went were places he went with her. It was me, BobbiJo, he doesn't ever think about her in that way and visibly shudders when I bring her up.
I'm just trying to say it takes time and consistency. Time CAN allow everything to fall into place. I agree with Kalni and Sara... take a break and let all this "marinate". You can kick him out any time in the next 50 years. I used to tell H I was going to hit him over the head with my cane for this when we're in our 80's. I just remember feeling so hopeless, that he'd never fight for me. And now, I know, from the bottom of my heart, he'll never do anything to hurt me again. I think he may have given us another chance because of the kids, but he's here now because of US.
