Both she and her H were Marriage Mentor leaders. Her H was a church Elder. They went to church, Marriage Mentors AND Bible study. He blazed off with some woman he met at work. She was dumbfounded.
RMG, Hill, Everyone....
Do we not see this kind of situation often? I do. So once again my point that I have not experienced church culture to be meaningfully aware of the true state of marriages and R's in this day and age. The guy described had a title as a marriage mentor but it does not appear he was one in practice. Is this not common?
Was Brittany Spears not a professed Christian at one point? All it took to propell her to behaviour that kept her on the font of the tabloids for the past couple years was a bit of spotlight, attention, and money. It does not appear her Christian faith kept her grounded in her choices or relationships.
I have observed the same thing first hand with my sitch and many, many others. We went to a church that was founded on family-building teaching. Yet many of my generation from that exact church are divorced! Many of them with lots of drama and betrayal.
What is my point?
Predominant western church culture (as I have experienced it) does not create an environment of honesty/openness for people to recognize and deal with truth and reality of where they are at in life. Issues often remained hidden behind the ambient pressure to conform and look a certain way so we don't taint the Christian image.
Our Church culture does not work for relationships. There are too many distractions to honesty. Too many interwoven agenda (ie: money, fame, prestige, egos, property, titles, positions, empire-building).
Lets face it, if the marriage mentor guy we are looking at as an example is anywhere near typical of the average guy, he has been inundated with sexual messages from hollywood, entertainment, news and the internet that tell him he can and perhaps even has the right to go out and boink his workplace colleague or anyone else. Its ok because our culture is accepting of this kind of behaviour. He may very well know an example of someone else who did this very thing and that guys life seems ok now.
I can tell you this.... when divorces started happening in my peer group from church, they spread like wildfire. My XW felt justified by the one before her. A buddy of mine came to me last year and said that his W (now XW) justified her D from him because my XW left me and coached his XW through the same rationalizations. This thing has a life of its own!
The slope is a lot steeper and slipprier than it is perceived to be. Nothing surprises me anymore. Come on! Bill Clinton does his thing with Monica Lewinski 10 years ago, lies about it to the world, and is now a societal legend helping his W's political career. Monica becomes a spokesperson for Weight Watchers or whatevr it was. Society says it is ok. Church says its ok.
Even Anthony Robbins had a "mid-life celebration" and left his W for someone younger.
In the church, we have high-profile situations from the 80's like the Bakkers and Swaggert. A man I admired, Larry Lea, who has an amazing story of spirituality, recovery from depression and pastored a mega church in Texas is divorced and remarried. And these are just the high-profile ones. What about "Christian" artists like Amy Grant or Country singer Sara Evans who was a professing "Christian". Examples are everywhere and examples justify others to do the same.
We as a society accept and frankly want what is going on. Church society included. This does not mean every individual.... people in this room are cases in point.
For me, I have accepted that we are in a "Second-Marriage" and "Blended-Family" culture. I have no wish or plan to divorce ever again. I sincerely hope we do not become a "Third-Marriage" culture but the tide will go where it goes.
The only thing I can do is be the best I can be and let my own life be an example and help others going through the pain of what divorce. There are very few cultural icons that have influenced humanity on a great scale and I do not believe I am one of them anyway.
Jesus (arguably the most influential man in history) was explicit. Divorce is wrong. Yet our culture goes where it goes. I do not understand why. So I have resigned to do the best I can and let that influence who it does.
Another person of widespread influence, Bill W, did not try to change society. He did not try to prevent alcoholism. He simply discovered a way to deal with it once it showed up. One alcoholic at a time. People are not drinking less, they are drinking more and expanding to many, many other substances. Yet AA (and all other 12-step fellowships) help people when they are ready for it and help mitigate the damage to society. But they do not endeavor to stop the spread of the disease of addiction/alcoholism.
I love my wife and kids the same way I stay sober: A day at a time. I believe in marriage a day at a time. I hope to stay married forever the same way I hope to stay sober forever. What works for me is making sure to the best of my ability that I do to for today what is best for today. If I do that, I find that my tomorrows show up in better shape than they would if I worried about them.
This is my way of not participating in the divorce culture. Its working so far. Only time will prove it out. Thats how I see it anyway.
