Max...after years of soul searching to discover why I had been unfaithful in my marriage...I basically discovered it all boiled down to me being emotionally immature and incapable of the type of true intimacy it takes to be completely faithful. I could not be completely faithful until I could be completely intimate. This took me years to understand and not until I was divorced and with a new partner did I finally start to "get it". My new partner pointed out to me very clearly the ways in which I was "blocking" intimacy with him early in our relationship. As I explore "yeah, he's right...I really am blocking it...why would I do that?"...over time, I kept sorting through and sorting through it all.
I cannot pinpoint a "reason" for why it was, but the conclusion I finally reached was that I was unable to experience true intimacy with ANYONE. Not even close friends. I had to have this wall around myself to protect me from the intimacy. As if intimacy was painful...although, at the time I was unaware that I felt that way.
Slowly with my new partner, we tore down that wall.
When I was finally open to receiving it, the flood of previoulsy denied intimacy that washed over me felt literally like being baptised. It washed out my soul and left me cleaned out. It was somewhat painful too, especially to realize what I had been missing out on all these years, due to my own inability to accept true intimacy.
And now that I can handle real intimacy, other parts of my life are opening up and becoming more and more...REAL...
For instance, now when I go to church or deeply contemplate my creator's love for me, I begin to cry. The tears just come straight to my eyes...no choking up first, no warning. Just straight, raw, but unbelievably initmate emotions come straight through. Before I opened up my intimacy issues, if I had felt the beginning of tears during church or prayer, I definitely would have backed them off and I can kind of recall actually doing it at the time...how it felt, what I had to do to "stop" the intimacy.
If I take this a bit further, I can also sort of recall a part of myself that would back off from other types of intimacy also, when it became a bit too close.
I do feel healed in a sense...but please remember, this took me a divorce, many years of reflection, counseling, reading...and a new 5 year relationship with the love of my life before I could figure out exactly why I had cheated.
Please be patient with yourself. It will not necessarily just become suddenly clear to you your inner reasons "why" for cheating...instead, you will be slowly revealed to yourself more and more, the more you can accept of your own truth.
