the financial loss is unbelievable....I dont think it hits home for quite some time....protect what you can because its horrible and you wont be living at the same level anymore or your kids either
Funny, I sort of concluded it was pointless to "protect what I could." Look, she's going to get about half of everything. No matter how hard I work, she's not going to get "zero" or anything close to that. And I wouldn't want that anyway, not really fair to her.
So what is the upside of me "protecting what I can" in a divorce? I mean, unless there is something really awry, like explicit dissipation of assets, am I really going to come out ahead?
And on a related note - these private detectives who do research for divorce cases, documenting infidelity. What the heck is the point in that? It seems like it would be useful only to make the betrayed spouse feel vindicated. Infidelity is not grounds for divorce in most states (it's no fault), and neither is it grounds for a difference in financial awards, as far as I know.
So what is the point of all the fighting over money in divorce courts?
I've looked at this, and I just can't see the point. These attack-dog divorce attorneys are dinosaurs, they have no real purpose these days. "Fighting" in a divorce has few effects, all undesirable: it engenders bad feelings in the spouses, and it transfers wealth out of the marriage and into the attorney's pocket.
I'm not saying we all shouldn't be careful. It's good to hire an attorney, it's good to get an accountant to make sure everything is clear. But "protect the assets". I mean, come on. It's a huge loss, no matter how successful I am at "protecting" the assets. It's often not worth the attorney's fees. I know my wife is spending more than she is likely to retain. How dumb is that? Spend $100 to get $20.
in a friends case, his lawyer tracked down all the money she hid and spent during the separation. close to 100k. plus the cost of tracking it down. the judge took that much from her cut of the house.
In my case, I think I broke even w/ the extra money I got and the L's fees. I may have got more if we'd gone to court b/c I really didn't get a fair deal (according to my L), but I just wanted it to be finished.
It was worth it, though, because it made me feel stronger, like I didn't let XH do whatever the heck he wanted, like he usually does.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
well for us there was a long seperation with no support orders in place, lots of 401k money that was spent, lots of hiddend money...but to go to trial over it would have ate up all that was left.....so yes what i mean is when u seperate protect yourselr i lost so much money in support becuase becuase my attorney told me they wont go back until the orders are placed...my orders werent even placed until dec after i retain the darn attonrey in july..before that there was two years of seperation where i had hoped he would return so basically 3 1/2 years from bomb time until divorce final....and until 12/07 no support orders...i had to use savings to live, he used savings and hide some too...so I am dumb dumb dumb at the time I could not believe he would be a man who would leave his family...i thought hes in mlc..but he will wake up...now he does look miseraable....but in the mean time, our life savings is gone....thats all i mean by protect what u have dont do what i did....i was so thinking if I file for leagal seperation that will just make him so mad....and one more thing to overcome. Now he makes twice I what I do, for much of the marriage I worked two jobs....long story but lets just say I alwasy worked and now his career advances finally after all these years about 5 years ago now and then he leaves....I guess he didnt need my money anymore...it is so hard to come out of this not feeling totally used and foolish...but I do believe that we all answer for what we do at some point and I dont think dumping your wife and family whoe were good to you...gets you many points in the end...oh well let go or be dragged now he gets to find out how green the grass is....he sure looks unhappy to me..thats the weird part that i cant figure out....they look so miserable but they still move forward with the decision to destroy the family
FIB- I did want to comment on this post concerning the religious event. You did well here.
Go back and reread the N.U.T.S. book again, Chapter 1. Think hard about what is a 'term' and what is a 'condition'.
Your terms as a man involve your kids, your family and your religious values. A condition is attending a certain dinner at a certain time of year at your sister's house.
You did not violate your terms by eating at home and then taking the kids to see the family. That was a good choice given the situation W created. You also did not violate your terms by asking to set up a schedule for the kids.
You felt hurt but you did well. You silenced the little boy within you and did what you had to do to demonstrate to your kids the true meaning of the religious event - demonstrating it is not just a dinner at sister's house.
Ditto for the religious service the next day. The little boy was hurt - not the real man who went even though he did not want to and had to endure the inter-faith thing without anger.
Quote:
I felt contolled. I felt I sold myself out. I feel tremendous guilt. I am not sure if my decisions were correct..made out of stupid residual hope..out of fear of hurting my children
That little boy is a pain is he not? You did well. The man did well.
As to all...grace, princess SPM...et al., whatever happens, our spouse's get a piece of us. I always found it to be ironic that, your spouse can boink 20 guys, lie, cheat, etc...break the vows...and then they are entitled to half of everything.
Something wrong here.......
Anyway, the financials are a scary thing. Eg, my atty would 'love' to see the house go into foreclosure, etc. In fact, some people have told me that I should not take any new job that pays more since she will get more.
But....uh....hmmmm...if I was able to build my practice up enough to support us better...she would get part of that too. Do you go under for the 'sake of divorce' or do you take an opportunity to give your kids a chance?
Finally....I simply live now ..the brunt of disgust...disdain....non communication. My W didn't tell me that my son had his first Cub Scout meeting the other day. I continually fill out the calendar. My W has stopped. It would be easy to go backwards and say, "well, if she isn't going to keep me informed, I'm not going to keep HER informed". I think that's little boy stuff. I will keep MY status quo for now.
GAL...Saturday, I took the kids apple picking. Yesterday, I made MY FIRST APPLE PIES from Cortland apples. Jeff....you'd be proud. ford....keeps my hand's softer than yours. LOL.
And...I left a written message that I wanted to take the kids shopping today. S8 needs a suit for a family affair in 2 weeks. I called the house this morning, greeted my W on the phone and asked to speak to D5.
She invited me to go pumpking picking with them today.
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Show your kids that Daddy will always put aside his own hurts for the sake of the family
Show your wife that her H has let go of his anger and unforgiveness
Bring out a measure of civility in your W
Did you read "Love and Respect"? Whether or not you believe your M can ever be restored, these are good steps for your whole family! As always, you know I am pulling (and praying) for you!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
I went. I don't know why. I went during lunch and while driving home, I kept saying to myself "this is wrong".She probably just wanted me to pay for the pumpkins. There was no conversation...just tight jeans and a form fitting white top.
I paid and then took the kids for Slurpees. I had a few moments with them.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
