This morning W came to take D13 to school. She called me after she left because D13 forgot her locker key so W came back to get it and she wanted me to bring it out to her car since her knee is injured. No problem, I get it and go out.
She then tells me that D13 is having an identity crisis and confided in her that she thinks she likes girls instead of boys, and that she thinks she likes her best friend and wondered if she should tell her.
So I listened and since she said this was in confidence but she thinks D13 is going to tell her friend how she feels that I should be prepared for issues. I told her that I would not say anything to D13 and said bye then walked away from the car.
About 1/2 hour later she calls my cell.
W: Hi, I just wanted to call and let you know that I didn't mean to freak you out about D13
Me: (in my calm, strong voice) I'm not freaked out at all. I know that some young girls go through these emotional phases and she's my daughter, and I love her and I'll be there for her no matter what she needs.
W: (kind of flustered) I don't know, maybe she's gay...
I was talking with her dad the other night and he says that her mantra is that she doesn't want to 'live with a drunk', it's not how SHE wants to live but it's how I want to live.
Frank, Are you flippin kiddin me? If your W really believes that you are a drunk, if that truly is her mantra, and she believes it, what does that say about her? She left her children with a drunk!?! I don't know of any mother worth her salt that would intentionally place her children in danger. She would take them with her regardless of her financial circumstances...she'd live in her car or go to a shelter. Something. Anything but leave them in harm's way. What a crock.
I sure hope there is someone in her life that calls her on all her BS.
And as for talking to the girls about OM..stop it. It serves no purpose other than to satisfy your curiosity. All you need to know will be revealed to you in due time and it won't involve your girls.
My son(19) insisted that the family picture come down. It was around the same time that he asked "When is dad going to come and get all his crap out of the house?" That was a month after the Wanker left. Let the girls have the pictures they want and then follow Bill's suggestion.
Hang in there. You're doing great.
Spitty
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
It's Saturday. With any luck W will have no reason to call me tonight or Sunday.
OM can have her. I believe God has already chosen someone for me who is more capable of being my partner. I'm getting my house in order because it's only then that whatever is supposed to happen will happen.
One of the things I have trouble with it whether or not to take down 'family' pictures with W in them. The kids live here in our home and I don't want to hurt their feelings but I also don't want to feel the hurt when I look at them.
Frank- When my CXW moved out,(04-07), I couldn't take photos down. Much like a grieving spouse would have difficulty. My mom and sister offered to do it for me. I declined. Shortly before Christmas when she filed, I took the boys to a photo place and had a picture taken of the three of us. I was in uniform, S17 in his letter jacket and S7 in his soccer uniform. It was very hard to do.....but it was time. Slowly after that, I replaced photos that she was in.
I kept the photos in the kids room of her though.
Bottom line is you will know when it is time. Don't take them down, replace them. Photos are memories, make some new ones.
J
ps: I can send you my photo if you want to put it up
Last edited by mcojh; 10/12/0811:27 PM.
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
Well as luck would have it W decided she wanted to 'spend some time' with D13. She called D13 and apparently she didn't want to go anywhere with her because she wanted to just stay home.
So, W called me to ask me if it was ok for her to come to the house and hang out with her since she didn't want to go anywhere.
I said 'when do you want to come over?' and she said she was outside the house now. Guess she didn't expect me to say 'no'.
I told her it was fine, come over and spend time with her.
D13 needs her mom.
so she came over, I was busy the whole time so I never talked to her or saw her really. That was probably a good thing.
I took down the pictures around the house but I have a couple in the bedroom and a couple in my office. They help me to stay focused on my goals.
I have one in particular of my W and I standing together. she has her arm around me and she is smiling. It was taken 1 month before the bomb while we were on vacation. When I look at it, it reminds me that this is not just about me and it has to do with much more than just problems in our M.
Before W moved out we were switching the house back and forth every week. She had a picture of us on our honeymoon on her dresser. After a while she started turning the picture down when I wasn't there. I would stand it up when I was there and then she would turn it down again. She never removed it. She just turned it down. When she moved out, she took that picture with her. If she was as unhappy in our marriage as she said, why would she take a picture of us on our honeymoon.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Well as luck would have it W decided she wanted to 'spend some time' with D13. She called D13 and apparently she didn't want to go anywhere with her because she wanted to just stay home.
So, W called me to ask me if it was ok for her to come to the house and hang out with her since she didn't want to go anywhere.
I said 'when do you want to come over?' and she said she was outside the house now. Guess she didn't expect me to say 'no'.
I told her it was fine, come over and spend time with her.
D13 needs her mom.
so she came over, I was busy the whole time so I never talked to her or saw her really. That was probably a good thing.
This doesn't sound right to me. You don't want your W to come over, Your D13 doesn't want to go out but your W wants to be with D13. So you end up caving on what you want and you W comes over and plays mom. When she does this, she is walking all over your boundaries and feeling no effects of the choices she made.
I know you want your kids and your W to have a good relationship but you can't control that. You can control what happens in your house. If you don't want your W there then tell her no or tell D13 that she is to go out with her mother.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
This doesn't sound right to me. You don't want your W to come over, Your D13 doesn't want to go out but your W wants to be with D13. So you end up caving on what you want and you W comes over and plays mom. When she does this, she is walking all over your boundaries and feeling no effects of the choices she made.
I know you want your kids and your W to have a good relationship but you can't control that. You can control what happens in your house. If you don't want your W there then tell her no or tell D13 that she is to go out with her mother.
Well on the surface your idea makes a lot of sense.
The dilemma for me is this:
I do not want my girls anywhere near the house W lives in. Her friend is a whack job spiritual guru psycho, just as W aspires to be. The environment there is one of "W is so happy and doing the right thing! We support her! OM is also spiritual and a nice guy!"
D17 told me that she was pretty much 'told' these things by W's girl friend when she was there a couple weeks ago. D17 was pissed because GF had no right to even assume that she could speak for D17 or W.
The other problem is this: Whenever I push W back about coming to the house to be with the kids, she uses the "You're just trying to stop me from seeing them, I better get a lawyer"
Does she have money for a lawyer? No. But one thing I do NOT need right now is her pursuing any legal crap because it will defocus me from my goals. Not a big deal, but I would prefer to avoid it right now.
Lastly, I don't EVER want to hear that she told the girls "Your dad said I can't come to see you".
wow, how would that make THEM feel? I know how, because that's what was done to my mom when I was 6 years old. They pretty much made it impossible for her to see me. So she gave up.
So, where are the boundaries when part of the boundary is your kids happiness? That's a tough one.
One avenue I could follow is to tell the girls that with the exception of when they are sick, their visitation with mom at THIS HOUSE is limited to school day mornings, and thursday night dinners as agreed
I feel like a heel telling them that mom cannot come by 'at a whim' unless she intends to take them somewhere. They've been through enough.
I don't disagree with any of your points. However, you should get yourself to a place where you can accept that the longer this goes on, it is inevitable that your kids are going to spend time at your Ws place and spend time with OM. I can't tell you how much is p!sses me off when one of my kids says to me "OW sleeps with Mommy" or "OW is part of our family now" but I can't feasibly do anything about it so I'm forced to accept it.
If you are going to continue with the way things are right now maybe you should do it a little differently. I seem to read often that when your W is there you are busy and you stay away from them. This could seem to your W that you are hiding when she is there. Maybe you should purposely not do that. Make your presence known. It's your house and she is the visitor. Or, maybe next time your W assumes that she can come over so she does before she asks, tell her "Sorry, I'm just about to do XXXX with D13 can you come back in a couple of hours"
Maybe I'm talking out of my a$$ but it feels like your W comes and goes as she pleases while you make yourself scarce when she does because you don't want to deal with her. Meanwhile this all goes on in YOUR home. Not only does this seem not very disrespectful of you, it also seems very stressful.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
frank...I agree with Imageer. I think this comes under the heading of 'boundaries'. When she comes over, she enters YOUR boundaries now. Some others have also said, as above, that, you don't have to ALWAYS be home and available.
As per the OM...inevitably, there may be another permanent one. Whether is this garbage scowl or not....who knows. Your W has a pattern of making poor choices. Again, this is nothing you have any control over. I would stop wasting your efforts on this and redirect back towards you. Your kids are bright and would learn more by seeing your 'nonreaction' to him than by letting them see 'dad's buttons pushed'.
Ignore the dertbawl save for boundaries and focus on the great project you are working on. Take care of your girls.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
