I knew people were concerned about the situation, and people were scared about me. But it is nice to know that they see me in this way now. They see positive, but they also know I am in pain and still hurt. But, as the female friends of ours have said, if it were them, what I am today is definitely what they would want to come home to. I am decompressing today and talked with one of my BF as he was here with me all aftyernoon. We did discuss this whole friend's phone call deal and he blurted out that he thinks I was being set up. One to either have and affair and she would see us a a level playing field or two, that she wants to find out where I am at emotinally and sexually. Interesting. I may never find out why the conversation came. She hasn't called me back to finish the conversation so it is interestig why she called in the first place.
I think that is why communicating and connecting with another woman is so compelling yet also so confusing and dangerous.
If a person is divorced, then they are free to date others, but I would not want to be the woman you dated at this time-b/c it is so obvious that you are a long way from being over the toughest part in your stitch with your W. You are still having thoughts about her coming back some day. So, you know that you would rebound with another woman.....or you would risk getting an STD b/c your body is vulnerable right now. Would be better for a while longer to hang out with friends until you can get stronger. I know it sounds unfair, but do you really think you are emotionally stable for dating right now? It is your business and your life, but we don't want to see you hurt more than what you already are......and yes, you could get in deeper and more hurt. Don't want that, do ya?
Samdi
Oh yeah, you're absolutely correct. The woman I'm friends with is out of a WAS relationship for 2 years now and I've been friends with her family for several years. We connect emotionally in way that is scary for me. Probably because it is mutual. I could snuggle up to this woman and watch a movie or just talk and NEVER have sex and feel very content. So far all we have done is talk and it has been wonderful. Nuturing is the word I would use. With my ExW I've been in an emotional desert for so long I'm starting to realize how many of my needs haven't been met.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Having a bad day today. Thinking of her with OM. MIL called last night. My W reiterated to her she is not in love with me anymore. MIL told her she waking the biggest mistake of her life. She told her m,other that her mother knew she wasn't happy for the past couple of years. She never told me, just like in the book, it has hit me hard. Don't know why all these emotions are back, probably hearing that all over again. Getting busy with a project now and hopefully the emotion will pass, feeling very alone right now. Reading DR again, trying to get focused. I miss her very much, and I want her back, and i want her back now. I know, roller coaster ride. Meeting the people looking to buy my camper this afternoon, hopefully it sells. I want to close that chapter and start a new one. MIL told her she is not herself and my W argued that she is the same person, but everyone is saying she is different. I know not to believe anything she says, but I am worried that she feels she is the same and this is her life now. Is this just more justification of her leaving because of her mothers comments? MIL is having issues with ehr husbands health, her mothers health and this situation. she has a couple of drinks and reaches out. She told my W she is making the biggest mistake of her life and she got no reply. Yet she got replies to every other comment. I think when her mother does this it sets my W back and she withdraws. Not really expecting much. I am doing the brakes tomorrow, then there will be no reason for contact with her unless she contacts me. Looking for some support. will check back later.
I would suspect that her mother telling her this does set her back. My MIL quit talking about it to my W at my suggestion. I told her that the critical talk will push her farther away. Right now they don't talk much at all. My W doesn't talk to any of her family much right now.
I was at her Sis' house with the kids this weekend and she called me to tell me that I didn't need to rush home because she was there taking care of the dogs. She didn't ask to speak to her sis or the kids.
The WAW's are different people than what we married, whether they want to believe that or not.
LD = Your feelings are natural and normal. When my ExW walked out I was not only devastated but in shock. Her behavior was crazymaking at its finest. She lied, she contradicted herself, she engaged in revisionist history, she was drinking heavily, she played head games etc etc etc. These things screw with your head on top of the loss of your best friend, wife, life partner.
BUT, you have to keep it together. You can't backslide or become cocky or even think for a minute you've got this figured out. When we say drop the rope and let go we mean it. Remember we said don't do the break job? Remember we said don't discuss this with your MIL? You've been told that this won't resolve it self quickly and that this is not a sprint but a marathon. You've got to understand that even if you do everything correctly she may never come back. I know it is hard to hear that but it is true. even if she did come back this quickly the problems would be far from over with. This is a journey she has to take and finish on her own.
I know you're hurting. I'm sorry. I feel for you and I understand. You didn't ask for this. Sometimes when we get left behind we as an LBS see only our profound loss and fail to look at the marriage as a whole, with a critical eye. Your W is involved with an OM and this is totally unacceptable She has choosen to complicate matters on a physical and emotional level. If she was unhappy in the marriage she could have done a myriad of different things of a positive nature, to help expose and take care of the problems. Instead she committed emotional homicide or as I heard it once expressed "the house needed painting so she burned it down".
Not exactly a recipe for success in relationships or life. People who run away and fill in the voids of their life with alcohol and affairs and blame never solve anything...until they stop running and face the internal angst. You, me or your MIL can not force them to stop running.
The best we can do is let them go and 1. Hope they get tired and slow down enough to have some internal dialouge 2. hope that our positive actions stimulate introspection.
Then maybe, just maybe they will come to the table and begin the work needed to address the marriage. This is why affairs are so damaging. They add a whole layer of crap on top of the real problems that need to be addressed.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Your wife isn't saying or conveying anything that I didn't say and convey throughout my MLC. Remember, a MLCer first convinces themselves they know wtf is going on and then they try to convince everyone else. So far, her mom ain't buying it but confrontation will not wake your wife up. In fact, MIL is just pissing off the rebellious teenager in your wife.
Try to get MIL to stop it but if she doesn't then just leave her be and whatever you do, do not participate in gossiping with/to her about your wife.
It isn't me discussing it with her, she is calling the w and bitching her out. I just spoke with her and begged her to stop. She says she will. Brake job will be done tomorrow night. After that, nothing, no favors. I did do a couple of projects this morning and immediately felt better getting things off my list. Camper didn't sell, people bought a new one. Contacted the campground abut storage fees and have taken the W's name off the site. It is now me and Guest. I am watching my grandson Saturday night, he is so excited. I think I'll keep him at the campground so we can have a fire and what not. He calls me Sampy. I am pretty sure I am the only sampy in the world. My D said when they told him he was staying with me, he said Sampy, not Nana, right? Sad to hear, but it tells you how bad her actions are. Her girlfriend that she is staying with called me this morning to tell me about her weekend. she told me she will call me later in the week. She is a peach and I do need someone to talk to but she is definitely the wrong one if she is living with the W.
I am staying focused. I am staying strong. I am telling myself, "You need no one but yourself to survive" "You are surrounded by friends and family who love you, you cannot and will not fall". Feel free to pass that mantra around, it does work.
Found out the brother in law who is living with me, lied to me. Says he really hasn't taslked to his Sis, but I found out today he is. My youngest D told me he gives her advice and tells her things the same he does for me. So he will be treated like her friends and MIL, he will not hear me talk about her or any pain. Talk about your snakes at the breast. Anyone want to buy a camper at Indian Ranch in Webster, MA?
I feel good now after getting projects done, removing her name from my site and reading here. I was the topic of discussion at a dance yesterday afternoon. Friends and people who hardly know me commented on what a great person I was, can't believe he's holding it all together, gotta give him credit, most people would be on the bottle, not walking away from it, he never slows down, etc...I got the lowdown this afternoon. Very nice to have those comments being made when you are not around.
Got my week [planned. Crashing now, busy at job tomorrow, her brakes then Gym,,,,I owe it to my slef to run til I drop to decompress, Wednesday i have jury duty then down to my FIL for dinner. thrusday is projects night, Friday cilling Saturday the camp to close and get my grandson and have some fun with him, youngest D might go too, Sunday relax one project and then football....
Not sure how tight the schedule will stay, but I am planning on it. Tuesday brake job is milestone, once it's done, it will be interesting to see if she asks for something else....Hmmmmmm....Well is dry here....Will post agian tomorro and let you know how the brake job resposne goes...
Okay, you asked if any women out here had advice about your W's so-called good friend. Yes, as a matter of fact I do have a piece of advice. RUN AWAY FROM HER AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND STAY AWAY FROM HER......FOREVER!! How's that?
Quote:
My rsponse was that I wasn't interested in that, but that i wanted to talk to her more, mostly about what she is going thru.
Are you kidding me? You don't want to talk to her about what she is going through! Please don't kid yourself and don't try to fool us, either.
You must have liked playing with matches when you were a little boy. Listen, you are feeling like you are back in high school again and your mind and body is reacting to all of it, too. I'm telling you that this woman is poison. If you want to really, really wreck your life....you get hooked up just one time with this b*tch and you'll regret it as long as you live. How can you call her a "peach"? A peach would not do that to her friend. In my book she is worse than a b*tch! She sounds like a whore. It doesn't really matter, in my opinion, if it was a set-up job or not. If it was, then that pretty much puts your wife right there in the pot with her, doesn't it? Talk about low down! Don't think for a minute that there are not some women that would do that to their best friend......just to see if they could. I know that to be a fact! It is a challenge to them. She wants to see if she could get you interested in her long enough to cheat on your wife. Oh......I could talk for pages about this kind of woman. Please, for God's sake, don't think of her as your friend, b/c she is nobody's friend but her own. Don't return her calls and don't even think about seeing her face to face. She heard that you looked good??? She just heard about it and now she is ready to jump your bones?? Unbelievable! Don't be flattered. She's a pig.
I told you that your body will betray you. Brace yourself b/c there will probably be other women out there that will start coming on to you. If you are ready to move on without your wife......but I don't think you are and I don't think you could handle any type of situation that involved even holding hands. You would go crazy b/c of your "needs". Don't mean to sound like I am putting you down or that I think you are weak, I am saying that you are like any other person that is hurting and has been rejected. You are vulnerable. You must go into "self protection mode". Unless you do not have any morals at all (like your W's so-called best friend) and don't care who is hoping whom, then you sure better be careful and watchful. Being a female, I know that some women have no limits as to what they will do......so don't let them fool you.
I think there is too much "talk" going around....period. Yes, the fact that a lot of people are noticing positive changes in you is wonderful and it says a lot about your hard work toward self improvements. It also opens a lot of "doors" to other situations. So, again, please be careful.
I would suggest that you be extra careful in your conversations around any of your in-laws. No matter what your R with them was like during the M.......you can't depend on that now. Everything is different now. Oh, and what your W told your MIL about how she didn't think she was in love with you any more.....? Well, it is hard to be in love with your H when you are $crewing another man. So, you don't even need to be hearing this conversation second handed.
Enjoy your D and your grandchild. Maybe you need to make new friends. You need much more time to heal and to get a grip on your new look and the fact that the opposite sex is admiring you. Don't let it go to your "head".
Please take care. I am concerned about you. Please don't stray and please, please don't start drinking again. My gosh, but you have come such a long way in a very, very short time. No wonder your mind and your body is playing tricks on you and you don't know what to do. You can't really trust either at this point. Working hard is good and you are a "goal setter". You feel good about your accomplishments......and you have a right to! Take other things slow and a step at a time. People keep reminding you to slow down on expecting too much to happen too quickly, but I can see that it is your nature to do that b/c of how quickly you brought yourself out of the state you were in. It still amazes me. That says that you can be strong willed. Hope you stay that way.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi LD--I'm sorry you are struggling right now. Heed Sandi's wise advice! There is way too much cross talk and gossip occurring and that is bound to back fire. I know first hand.
The "Sampy" tidbit is wonderful! What a great kid and what a lucky kid. Allow yourself to breathe, relax and let go. Enjoy your time with your grandson. What a gift.
Sounds like there is lots of stuff going on so it might be wise to let things happen a bit. VERY HARD to do, but incredibly valuable. Regardless of the outcome of all of this, you will emerge a better, more giving, caring person. Stay focused and stay detached...
Thanks. I am seeing certain situations now that I didn't a few weeks ago. I am sure she is calling me because her realtionships are failing and feels I am probably an easy mark right now. I have decided not to answer her calls. I am no drinking again, have really no desire to get back on that horse. I did talk to my MIL about her conversations with my wife and to not talk to me about it at all. She apologized and said she would keep a low key with me n regards to her conversations. Spent a lot of time this weekend reflecting on things. I have alot of issues I have with my house and finances I am getting into right now. Need to focus on those. Yes I do miss a woman's company, but you are right, I don't think at this point in my life I want anyone but her, which I think is probably what keeps me in check. I am staying strong, and as you said, wonder how often these "temptations" will appear. The camp closes or me officially this weekend. My friends there who have kept me good and focused the past 2.5 months will mostly be far away. I will see them at least once a month over the winter which is great. I have been invited to dinners, sleep overs and parties. Feels great. I want this brake job out of the way. Almost wish I id it yesterday. I feel once this is done, any contact she has with me after will be moving forward, not just favor or fixing cars.
I am staying at the one day at a time mentallity. My friends that are very close to me are getting worried about things that may come up whereI may act impulsively rather than inteligently. Had a few phone calls last night. There is a song by Tracy Lawrence that is titled "Find Out Who Your Friends Are" I know who they are. they have never left my side. They are supportive and not damning of my W. They know it takes two to damage a marriage, but can't forgive her affair, at least until I do. I think burning my candles at bot ends was good as a distraction from her and getting projects accomplished, but it hasn't allowed me to do anything for me. I think, Sandi, that my draw to her friend was just that. I'll be honest, if she had showed up at my camp this weekend and ut moves on me, I think I would've backed down, but I don't know for sure. I do now after taking a day and a half of downtime and rereading DR. Sounds funny but it does calm me down reading it and revieiwing things. I am very scared to be alone, emotionally, but have been doing it for a while now. I am focused on what I need to do in order to move forward and the things I need to keep doing in regards to W. My friends have told me to do the brakes and then go very dark. To the point of if she is at my house when I pull up, keep driving and check back until she leaves. Saw her yesterday when I got home after finding out i didn't sell my camp. I was upset and mad, but didn't dwell or boohoo, or whine, said I was pissed and moved on with my business. she left about 10 minutes after I got home. Could have used a hug...Anyway, thanks for looking out for me. I usually post and then think about things after I read my post. I see this situation with her GF as the do all end all of my M. Still feel it was some BS thing to see what my response would be. Oh well, with ach day comes new hope...
