The man is gone, living 'the life he's always wanted' with his companion and puppy.
I had parameters in place in case he wanted to come back.
-no contact with her -live in town -see a psychiatrist for meds -see a counselor -go to marriage/couples counseling -date on another -repair/renew his relationship with kids
The chances are slim to none. A friend asked me why I'd even bother putting energy into thinking about such an unlikely outcome.
Today I had a new question for both him and me if this were to happen.
Why? followed by Why? followed by Why? followed by Why? and on and til the base answer came out.
Why would I want him back? Why would he want to return?
Then I hushed my mind knowing that asking that single word was enough. I didn't need an answer. A question was enough.
I've also been drawing which has been incredibly helpful.. drawing whatever I want. So many images are of walking away, his back to me, walking with her and their dog... leaving. In an odd way it gives me perspective.
I sang on Sunday rather tentatively because I'd missed rehearsal on Wednesday and was a tad bit clueless. While scanning through the bulletin I saw the parish was offering a free 8 week class in Georgian chant that started in 45 minutes. I figured why not and went there. Although it's supposed to prepare folks for Latin masses the beauty of learning full rich sounds was astounding.
When I was in Europe as a student in college, we used to wake up before dawn and climb to the top of the highest point and listen to the nuns or monks (depending on where we were) to hear the chanting. It was so beautiful listening to the sounds as the dawn broke the colorful light pouring through stained glass windows.
One time I was quite hungover having barely made up the hill bordered by steep vineyards. I sat against an oak tree in the cool morning air, listening to the echo which emanated from the abbey flowing around me, watching the sun rise and was swept up with the beauty.
It's a neat thing to learn and really improves the basics of singing. Apparently if you can sing a chant (which starts by matching the pitch of the leader) you can sing anything most times beautifully.
