So to update, H and I have been exchanging a few emails which have been positive and also he responded to a text. In his last email he asked about selling the house again and I have left it as asking what he would like to do next, as I already said yes to selling back in June. He has not responded yet.
I was thinking about how I feel at the weekend as it is a year this week since h left. This was the original deadline I gave myself for moving on, however I am not 'done' yet. I still feel I have so much left to learn and also I don't feel as if the relationship is dead yet, although it may look that way from the outside. Even if it is we have things that we need to sort out together and I would rather divorce with dignity than go on with my life still holding onto blame. I need to be able to live with myself and be true to my core values and know that I did everything I could to save my marriage. I still love him and want to be married to him but am prepared to give him the space he needs at the moment and to try and be there as a friend.
Thanks Mishka, also I have managed to recitfy my f up at work too - phew! I was honest about my mistake and my suppliers pulled out the stops to get it done for me.
I just got a reply from h. The first paragraph is refering to the email I sent last night about the puppies.
Hiya. I called (film company) and cancelled that account. It was a call centre in India so it took ages! Thanks for your email, they are very sweet dogs although they have a completely ridiculous name. Did you see the photo in the Metro today of a cat climbing on a washing line? I can't imagine Maple ever being brave enough to try that.
I can't really think of anything else that goes into your appraisal... the only thing I would say is, make sure that if there is to be any effect on your salary, he only takes into account quantifiable things. On our appraisal there are sections on motivation etc. but those bits never go towards the actual appraisal.
As far as the house is concerned... I guess we need to get a couple of estate agents to come round and value it, then get it on the market. Do you want me to do that? Or do you want to do it? Or both of us? I'm happy to go with what's most comfortable for you. Do you have any idea where you would move to?
It was my white phone by the way. gutted And the insurance company are being really slow about replacing it!.
Hope you enjoyed the weekend, the weather was amazing!
H.'
On the positives it is much more upbeat and less polite and nice. There are lots of nice things in there (that I have highlighted in green) and the nice things are becoming more and more frequent (reading back I have highlighted everything apart from the bit I don't want to happen!! hmmmm). And I have achieved my goal of talking about things other than r and splitting up. Also note the 'hiya.' greeting - much nicer than 'Hi.' imo, but the content of the 3rd paragraph - *sigh* .
My questions are (or what I need to get straight is)
1. I'm wondering if he has forgotten that he thought he needed to come up for a one last days work on the place to get it ready for sale? Should I mention this or not? I suppose it isn't essential that he do this but would be better to stick to his word.
2. Does he want his share of the equity straight away or is he renting and doesn't need it. That way we can rent it out if the price isn't right or I could continue living there if it fails to sell and take on the bills apart from the mortgage to enable him to afford rent.
3. This needs to be a joint decision and I don't want him to agree to go with estate agents without my say so, however I am not sure that I can be there when they come round and not be a bit upset. Should he see them without me there? Or maybe it would be a 180 if we saw them together and I controlled myself!
4. Should I tell him of my plans of where I will move?
5. We haven't discussed equity shares - should I bring this up yet?
6. I really don't want to have to deal with this till after I come back from holiday (end of October). As I have waited this long for him is it ok to ask him to wait till then.
As for the things needing done on the house. You could mention that the house will appraise better if it's in tip top shape. Don't concern yourself about his need of the equity, but, be realistic about the valuation and the ability of the two of you to pay for the house and another place if he needs to move versus the state of the world economy right now. Tell him that you'd like to be part of the decisions, but, that you don't want all the responsibility on your shoulders, that things need to be done jointly. I wouldn't offer up information about where you will move etc. and if he asks, answer him with an uncertain answer. So, you might say that you were looking at renting a place, but, perhaps you could move in with a friend etc. As for the equity, is there any reason that it shouldn't be split 50/50? That would be my assumption. As for your holiday, just be straight up and tell him that you have a trip planned and if possible, you'd like to either get things done this week or wait until you get back.
I can see your concern about things, you want him to take charge on it, but, you still want to be part of the process and you have your holiday on the horizon and you'd like to not have to deal with things while you are away.
Makes for an absolutely normal DBing situation, right?
No reason your H needs to know what you are planning. I made the mistake of telling my H what I was doing all afternoon Sunday when he asked. It was 19 years of habit and I regretted it as soon as it was out of my mouth. He lost his "right" to know about your life when he left it but giving him a vague answer would be appropriate to DB principles. It's the illusion of keeping him "in the loop" without giving too much info.
I would definitely not worry about the house until you come back from your vacation. Where are you going? Somewhere sunny?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I've just scanned your thread. I'd not tell H where you'd move to. Get the agents in and ask them if getting work done would improve the valuation- that will cause a delay in getting the valuation agreed, and hence a delay in getting the place on the market. And yes, wait til after you're back from your hols- you should both be there to see the agents (hard as it will be).
Sorry for the very short post- just got in from a very busy day at work. Got your e-mail though and I'm looking forward to choir if I can make it- can I let you know how work goes tomorrow?
Hey Julia, I agree...dont tell him where you are moving to (why does he want to know that??) but try and stall him to late October and you are back from your hols. Its really a bad time to sell isnt it, although, looks like the market could get worse, so who knows.
Interesting he doesnt say that...IMO, you could put the house up for sale and it still wont sell (i've had a flat on the market for over a year and dropped it 50k in all and still no takers).. so unless you're prepared to put it on rock bottom, I'd be surprised if it sold in the present market? How do you feel about that, as you would presumably have to stay living there? Alhtough I think you said one option was to rent the house out, which seems like a good option to me, in this market.
As to his email... I could see it was warmer and more friendly and he carefully reflected back to you all the points you made (puppies, house, video cancel thing, white phone, weather).. kind of wierd in fact that he did do that. Makes me wonder why, or perhaps he took a while to write it, but I have no idea why he would do that, perhaps he is a concientious guy, or was just being polite?
I wouldnt even think about equity yet, until you have an offer! And that could be months away.
sorry that he continues to be friendly, but in a not giving you very much kind of way (as he didnt volunteer anything new in his email?)
(((Julia))) Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Just a thought--I am wondering if he is not so much eager to sell the house as to get some cash flow/remedy his financial/ housing situation? (was I right, did he hint at this before??) Just another option... if you didn't want to sell yet AND you didn't want to move yet, could you rent out part of the house, so you could be making money off it without moving? And then H could have some of that money? Just a thought.
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