H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

Hey, Ali,
Thanks for checking on me! Yep, I seem to be an incurable night owl! I have been fighting that tendency for about 25 years, but it hasn't stuck for any length of time yet!

I read the link you gave me, and about half of it was gibberish to me because I don't really have much to do with astrology , but the rest was interesting. I know what sign I am (Cancer--yep, I'm a disease! ), but that's about it. The rest--it's like, "Huh??"

In answer to your question about H and me and our respective bedtimes, this has been a problem between us for years. Before OW, he was trying to go to bed about midnight (he has to be at work at 7:30 a.m., and I am self-employed and set my own hours), and I couldn't seem to get there much before 2 a.m. or so. Once OW came into the picture (although I didn't let myself realize what was going on for a while), he started spending hours and hours on the phone/online with her (about 40 hours a WEEK, I once determined--and he hadn't even met her in person yet!). He started going to bed later--2 or 3 a.m. I have varied, but in the last six months or so, I've been struggling to get to bed before 6 a.m. (when he gets up for work on weekdays--we have sort of been sleeping in shifts).

A month before the bomb (bomb = when he went out of town to meet her, and I confronted him when he got back), I found her number in his phone and knew something really bad was coming. I was totally terrified about the future of our M, so with this added inspiration, I managed to change a bunch of things he had been complaining about for years--I did about ten 180s at the same time! This was one of them. For several months I made it a point to go to bed when H did, except when I had work I HAD to get done. This continued even after I got the OW confirmation bomb.

H did notice--at one point, he commented, "You changed your whole life around in only two months!" But I finally let it slide because it was just so much work for me, especially since he was no longer touching me at all (up until about the beginning of January, we ALWAYS snuggled a lot in bed--even after the bomb and total lack of intimacy, but then he stopped the cuddling completely), and I didn't think it made any difference to him whether I was there or not--maybe not too little, but too late. I don't really even think he wants me there, but he's still sleeping in the same bed, so it doesn't entirely make sense to me.

I could do the going-to-bed-when-he-does 180 again, but it's never gotten any easier for me, and I'm not sure there's any point to it from his perspective. Sigh. I would be pleased to get opinions on whether it's worth the trouble to try again. I have been trying to go to bed earlier for myself, because I know it is healthier for me (and better for my business), and I feel better when I do, but I haven't been seeing a lot of success with those efforts.

In other news, H is in rehearsals for a community theatre show for the first time in two years (he did A LOT of theatre in the 8 years prior to that--he was rehearsing at least three days a week, six to ten months a year, on top of his full-time job and plethora of other activities!). It opens in two weeks, and there are six performances spread over two consecutive weekends. In years past, I would go to every one of H's performances, unless I had a prior conflict. FYI, this is a little unusual--most spouses only go once or maybe twice, not six or eight times in two weekends. With most shows, I enjoyed going to all of the performances and seeing the nuances between them.

Before, I got a fairly extensive picture of all of the backstage relationships and quirks because H would tell me all about each rehearsal when he got home. This time, I get one-word descriptions since he usually doesn't talk to me any more than he has to. If one of my closest friends weren't also in the production (playing opposite my H, which amuses me--she in her second M, and is in MLC too, and she is *desperately* in love with the director, who is also her voice teacher! ), I would have no idea how the rehearsals were going! Anyway, I am wondering...should I do my usual thing and go to all of the performances? The director knows the basics of what is going on with my H and me (our friend who is in love with him told him about it), but I don't think my H knows that. We know a lot of other people in this theatre group, and I don't think any of the others know about the sitch with H and me, so if I'm not there, they will wonder (they may wonder anyway, because H and I were always very affectionate with each other in public, and now he won't touch me at all, ever). H doesn't seem to want people to know about what's going on--he puts on his wedding ring every day before he goes out the door (as do I--we have never worn them to bed since we got M), and to my knowledge has only talked to a very few people in his life about the sitch.

The other thing is that I'm worried about is the possibility that OW is going to come to the show. I'm sure she will want to see H on stage. I do NOT want to meet her. I don't think H wants me to meet her either--the last time it was discussed, right after the bomb, he said he was afraid I would kill her (and he was probably right to be worried). In fact, the other day I happened to notice someone out walking while I was driving by, who undoubtedly was NOT my H's OW but looked kind of like her, and I had to throttle the urge to stop my car in the middle of the street, jump out, and run over and hit her until she stopped moving!! A probably perfectly innocent and nice college girl, just because she reminded me of OW! Yes, I know I have anger issues. But not anger-MANAGEMENT ones! I am very self-controlled about showing my emotions!

I don't think he would appear in public with her around people he knows, but I'm not entirely sure. I hope not. Regardless, I am not sure what to do. I think I would enjoy seeing all of the performances of the show, but if I ride with H, that means that we will be alone in the car together for an hour a day, for six days. That is probably more time than we have spent both awake and within speaking distance, alone, *cumulatively* for the last six months. I could drive myself separately, and have sometimes when I had demands on my time (as H needs to be there an hour earlier than I would as an audience member), but with the price of gas now, it seems silly to drive an extra car back and forth six hours. I am probably making too much of this, but I have been wondering about it.

Okay, I am going back to work now, and hopefully going to get some sleep!!

Peace,
Dawn