The man is gone, living 'the life he's always wanted' with his companion and puppy.
I had parameters in place in case he wanted to come back.
-no contact with her -live in town -see a psychiatrist for meds -see a counselor -go to marriage/couples counseling -date on another -repair/renew his relationship with kids
The chances are slim to none. A friend asked me why I'd even bother putting energy into thinking about such an unlikely outcome.
Today I had a new question for both him and me if this were to happen.
Why? followed by Why? followed by Why? followed by Why? and on and til the base answer came out.
Why would I want him back? Why would he want to return?
Then I hushed my mind knowing that asking that single word was enough. I didn't need an answer. A question was enough.
I've also been drawing which has been incredibly helpful.. drawing whatever I want. So many images are of walking away, his back to me, walking with her and their dog... leaving. In an odd way it gives me perspective.
I sang on Sunday rather tentatively because I'd missed rehearsal on Wednesday and was a tad bit clueless. While scanning through the bulletin I saw the parish was offering a free 8 week class in Georgian chant that started in 45 minutes. I figured why not and went there. Although it's supposed to prepare folks for Latin masses the beauty of learning full rich sounds was astounding.
When I was in Europe as a student in college, we used to wake up before dawn and climb to the top of the highest point and listen to the nuns or monks (depending on where we were) to hear the chanting. It was so beautiful listening to the sounds as the dawn broke the colorful light pouring through stained glass windows.
One time I was quite hungover having barely made up the hill bordered by steep vineyards. I sat against an oak tree in the cool morning air, listening to the echo which emanated from the abbey flowing around me, watching the sun rise and was swept up with the beauty.
It's a neat thing to learn and really improves the basics of singing. Apparently if you can sing a chant (which starts by matching the pitch of the leader) you can sing anything most times beautifully.
Hey Gypsy, you are catching up fast!!! I just asked the same question myself yesterday. But I f@cked up!! I tried to answer, LOL!!! Didnt realise the question alone was enough... Love xxx K
Oh Gypsy my friend, you are such a lovely soul. I wish I could have heard the chanting as well. Isnt it glorious how we can look back at such simple pleasures and see the gift they were!
I know what you mean about pictures of the H walking away. Anytime I have wanted to tell him how I feel or I just want to lay into for what he has done, I get that image of him with his back turned and already gone. I think to myself is it going to make a difference? If my back was turned to him, would it change how I felt to hear those things...my answer would always be NO. I stopped awhile ago trying to reach out to him. It does no good.
I was the nat that kept buzzing "pay attention to me." Not only did I annoy him but he also felt the need to swat at me with harsh words. I quit buzzing around him and he has quit swating at me. Lesson learned. Still, it does not make the fact that he did leave any easier. I hate that I have had to learn to detach from the one who meant the most to me. What doesnt kill us.....make me want to kill him sometimes
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
All I have to remember now is his concerns are only for himself.. not me (which I can grasp) nor the children (which I can't understand). Him, him, him, him... I'll just think of him as a church choir singing Hymn, hymn hymn. Lalalalal!
Yesterday I felt lousy, sick and icky, spending most of the day in bed. He'd wanted to talk to me about the taxes. I wanted to talk to him about paying our son's rent (he doesn't want to set any financial precedent so he's not doing it). He called in the evening, I thought I had a firm handle on myself.
Ooops Double ooops..
Not a good conversation. Let me feeling so angry and sad. I called my brother first then went down the list of support people I have. Got some help and my brother (who's been through this and has solid advice) called. The first thing I said to him was, "When am I going to learn not to talk to him (spouse) on the phone?" We both laughed. He helped me alot. Talking to another friend sealed the deal.
I even drew in my sketch book.. first an anus with butt cheeks and his doodlesquats hanging. Gaseous emissions were puffing out with words like "A$$hole" "Jerknose". Since the image looked more like a mouse with really big ears and jowls I ripped it out and went for the side profile of a naked man bent over. Sprays from his emissions came out with words attached to each one of them. It felt surprisingly good to let it out.
Today he (spouse) called again about the taxes which he delayed letting me see for months. They're due tomorrow. I almost didn't pick up but figured I'd put my new boundaries in place.. "I'll listen but not talk since I get too emotional." He does know how I respond to things. I was successful.
I bounce back faster from talks with him, don't feel as decimated. I forgive myself for hurting myself and realize whenever these discussions happen I'm making the divorce more contentious.
My daily reading was about control versus trust. If I look at the whole journey, the load is too great, the weight too heavy. If I trust in focusing on today then I will have success.. for the day to day load is light. Trust in myself, trust in God, trust in the process.
((Gypsy)) Too bad you didn't call me...I was in the hot tub with a double brandy and would have cheered you up real quick! Still a little hung over this a.m. Glad to hear you were able to recover quickly. We hold all the cards when it comes to how we respond to the jerks of the world. I'm seeing my C today to help me get over last night's 'event'. Too much DRAMA! Kids deserve better, I deserve better. Peace.
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
