The letter was good. Most of it is very similar to how I feel.
He says he feels frustrated by how I love him, b/c it should be enough but for him it isn't and he doesn't know why.
When it comes to how he loves me, he feels inadequate b/c he tries to love me but it isn't enough for me.
He says love should feel electric and exciting and it used to with me but it doesn't know and he doesn't know why.
He says he does love me though, always has, always will, no matter what.
He says that in terms of forgiveness and trust, he cannot find a way to forgive me for things that he admits are really not my fault in the first place. He said just the other day in the car he was wondering why I didn't go to college where he did, b/c if he hadn't had to drive 90 minutes to see me all the time he may have been more involved at his own school. (WTF?) Anyway his point is that try as he may he can't seem to get past those resentments, and that makes it almost impossible to trust me when he is still holding that stuff against me.
The fourth thing (besides love, forgiveness, and trust) on my pillars of marriage is commitment. He said he is absolutely 110% scared to death of committing to me only to wind up back where we are. I said that is where choices and decisions to change come into play...
I asked him tonight how he proposed we resolve this impasse..me wanting more from him and being disappointed and vice versa. He said his plan was to "try harder" and "keep working" at it. He described his lack of the exciting love for me as though he is in a totally dark room and he has been walking around trying to find the switch to turn it on again. I asked him what he has been trying other than overthinking and overanalyzing b/c I have not seen him trying to touch me more, plan time alone with me more, etc....He admitted he hasn't done much more than agonize over the lack of that feeling...
I said that for me to continue to stay with him while he "tries harder" is insulting to me. B/C I already feel that rush of love for him, I already am working on the other three areas (commitment, trust, forgiveness). That for me to stay with him when I am ready to move forward in life and he is still spinning his wheels was going to wear me down. That I found it a bit degrading for me to keep trying to "woo" a man for whom I already have those loving feelings. That I want, need, and deserve a man who can love me, trust me, and commit to me.
He said he wants that man to be him and he struggles every minute of every day with the fact that what he feels is 180 degrees from what he wants to feel, that what he does is the polar opposite of what he wants to do, etc.
I said if I am complaining about being overweight, and I want to be fit, but I eat crap and don't exercise, I will be torn everyday b/c I don't live out what I say I want. At some point, I either embrace being fat and happy or I get with the program and get fit. I get nowhere eating crap and gaining weight but moaning about wanting to be thin. So I told him he needs to pull his head out and either get on living without me in his life, or figure out how to be the husband he should be.
After about 45 minutes, I said I was not going to beat the dead horse. He knows I am there in all 4 areas for him. I am ready to go forward and live a love/support/trust/commitment-filled life. He knows that. He is torn between doing the things he knows he should do and doing the things he feels like doing. I know that. So to continue talking about it would not yield any new or different results.
So I turned on my Desperate Housewives that I had been recording and sat back to watch. He got all teary and looked at me. I asked him if it would make him feel better if I went to my room and cried. He sort of laughed and said, "No." I said, well I have been there done that for months now. I am not going to spend another night agonizing over this. I am going to watch my show while you go do chores and tomorrow we will have to figure out what to do next.
It was a lot more than that, I talked about how I should prob. just kick him out but yet I love him and want him around. He talked about how he does love me and does enjoy being with me but he is tired of these problems and these conversations. I wrapped it up saying that at this point we are the last two pieces on the Stratego Board game circling each other and that unless/until one of us made a move we would continue to be here indefinitely which is unacceptable to me.
I can't live out my life with a man who has to try so hard to feel that I am his special one and only girl. A man who has no clue what he feels or what to do with what he feels. I mentioned that my counselor once remarked on how incredibly self aware I was and that a lot of people don't know why they feel the way they do or how to sort out those feelings. H just laughed and shrugged and pointed at himself........
