Today was a strange day. I went to the coffee shop to work. After being there about 10 minutes, my ex-husband tapped me on the shoulder. I haven't spoken to him since, I believe, June of 2007. We emailed some after that date to get details of the divorce figured out but we didn't speak on the phone or in person after. Once the divorce was final, I changed my phone number etc. and besides seeing him when I've walked into bars a few times (and then turning around) and running into him at the grocery store once last January (he only lives 1/2 mile from me in an apartment), we haven't talked. I've refused communication.
Tonight I'm understanding why. It's icky.
So anyway, he came up to me, we made small talk, and then he asked again if we could get together sometime to talk and catch up. I finally just asked why. Why would we do that? What is the motivation? What could come of up? He said he wanted to know how I am, that he thinks of me, wants me to be well, wants to know about my life, etc. I told him that while I wonder those things too, I don't really want to know the answers and that he lost that right to know about my life when he walked out of our marriage. I really do feel that even if I forgive, I don't owe him anything and it isn't healthy to have a relationship. He treated me horrible and I feel a consequence of that is that we no longer can have any kind of relationship. We do not have mutual friends, we do not have a family together, etc. I don't know what good could come of a continued relationship.
Anyway, I explained why I didn't want to meet. We started talking and we just had the conversation there. We talked for an hour. Some of it was just niceties about families, jobs, etc. but we talked too about other things. He told me he has many regrets (said I'd know that if I read his letters), said he can't beleive he did what he did, that he treated me that way, that he still has to heal from it all and is. Said he had to change jobs in his company because of poor performance during everything, that he is moving from a 2 bedroom to a 1 bedroom apartment for money reasons, and that he is not seeing anyone. He said he fell in love with the woman he had an affair with (still claims it was not physical at all) but that he doesn't know what that all meant or was and that they hardly even speak now. He said that it took me cutting him out of his life, saying that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore, for him to start to wake up. He said he wonders sometimes if we had just cut off contact early on, if things would be different, if we could have healed, etc.
Anyway, it was a relief to hear that he has regrets and that he no longer blames me for everything. He even said he realizes that he had unconditional love and he threw it away and he hopes to find that again some day. He said I was a wonderful woman. I needed to hear that. Or I wanted to hear that. I've always worried that if we did get together to catch up, that I'd hear more of the same things I heard when we were separated and I didn't need to hear those anymore. It's nice to know that he wonders about how it could have ended different and he even realizes that he made mistakes and that he shouldn't have had the affair and didn't communicate to me so that I could meet his needs. I am relieved to hear that. Relieved to know that I'm not crazy and those things should have happened, that it wasn't all my fault, and that he takes responsibility too.
It was hard to see him. Initially, I felt good about it. Tonight I feel icky. when it comes down to it, I've cut off ties for good reason. He was my husband. I love him. I can't have a life or relationship with him, which means I do not want contact. It just makes me question myself. It reminds me of so much hurt. I want to move on and make new memories and a new life. I want to be happy and I am defining that and making it happen.
I think many people when they get divorce, especially if they were the ones to leave the marriage, wonder later on why you can't catch up, etc. You were married, why can't you know what's happening to someone who was so close to you. My brother, who ended his marriage by being horrible to his wife, has said that to me about his exwife. He finds it strange that they can't talk and he can't get updates. I understand their viewpoint to some extent.... but they left their marriages,... they seem, in my opinion, to have lost that right. My brother wants to know his exwife is okay. She wants to move on and not have the pain. The constant reminder that someone threw your marriage away is icky. Because in the end, even if you both made mistakes, one of you walked and the other didn't want that. Even if you are happy, I don't know what good can come of that connection when you don't have kids, etc.
So while I am relieved and I know I heard things today that many on these boards would love to hear, I think it just made me realize that it will never be enough. It was broken. It can't be fixed. And I want to move forward and not have that reminder or dwell on it. I want to focus on the good that can come of it and making what is left of my life great.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
