Max I am sorry you are here, and I am sorry it is so difficult. I know this sounds empty, but I am sorry anyway. You are maybe thinking "no one knows how hard this is" but guess what? everyone here knows how hard it is.
I was with my kids over the last 3 days so completely off this board. I read everything you wrote over the past 3 days just now. you are up and down, all over the place. you are being yanked in every direction.
Why? Why are you feeling this way? is it what he is doing? is that what causes your emotions, your pain, your trials? That is a terrible place to be. Could it possibly be that you are in charge of your emotions? that he can do what he wants and you are in charge of how you respond?
This is the challenge before you. it is not easy -what you are doing. it is not easy. but it is what you have. could it be that this challenge before you is to find out of you are worthy of him, or worthy of any lifetime companion? could it be that you need to be strong yourself before you can be fully there, fullly available for a partner?
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I think i can keep doing this.
I want you to stop talking like this. I want you to stop thinking like this. can you, or can you not do this? make up your mind. no more guessing or "I think I can." Bullspit. Do or do not. Decide. You decide, then you act.
If you decide that you are going to work for him, then you will do it. If you make up your mind, then you will do what it takes. you will not be denied. you will not be disappointed. you will not be discouraged. you will do whatever it takes. if you decide, then you will act.
Sometimes "Acting" means, tolerating everything. Sometimes it means not analyzing. Read what you wrote:
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He always seems moody after things like this. Then he is also shitty when I ask him what he has been doing and where abouts......However it might be my imagination but he seems to be quietly letting me know where he is.
Look at all the analysis. Does it make sense? no. Are you ever going to figure it all out? Leave it alone. Stop analyzing. Let it rest. Stop agonizing. Stop trying to make sense of it. Stop letting him steer your moods and your life. Stay the course. You've decided what you want. You know the course you need to stay on. Do it.
Sometimes "acting" means you are the duck, and life is the water. Let it run off your back. "Acting" definitely means being strong and leaving him alone. Leave him alone. Flirt, but no pushing. Look hot, but no desperation. You are strong. Stop acting weak. He will not be attracted to weak, believe me.
If you are worth it, you will prove it now.
Decide.
You may decide you don't want him. Fine. Act on that, if that is what you want: Move on.
The thing that hurts you is when you won't decide. or when you "say" that you've decided but you don't really sign up to what's required. When you want to decide but you are afraid of what it takes (either way) to live with your decision.
