Searching for me again

[ACJ]

Nic and BM thank you.

I kinda giggled at how much your H is willing to 'sacrifice' for your children.

Yes I showed the letter to my parents today and my mum was in fits of giggles too!

Well what a weekend. Last night I went to see the 'Lady Boys of Bangkik'. For those who were like me and had never heard of them they are a drag show. It was an excellent evening. I can't actually remember the last time i enjoyed myself so much. If you ever get the chance to see them, go. I went with the social networking group that I belong to but there were a few of us who know each other that went so we met for a drink before hand so it was a good evening.

On Friday at work I had a one on one with a lady who is doing some work with our directorate b/c there have been lots of sickness, trade union issues, complaints etc. I thought it was all going to be about team work (which it was centred around) BUT we had completed a special questionnaire first to determine our personality type etc and it was spooky now right it got me. Anyway one of the things that came out of it was that I need to feel included and I need a lot of affection. However what also came out of it was that I mask this too well and so other people do not realise my full needs and so they are not met (I'm sure this will sound familiar to so many of the 'oldtimers' here). She told me that I need to step out of my comfort zone and do things that please me and not necessarily others b/c then they would see the true me and realise my needs. Complicated but well worth a try.

So try it I did last night. As I explained earlier I had met up with a group of friends before the drag show. One of the women had been the main driver behind us all going but I knew I had been an after thought. Originally she had booke tickets on behalf of everyone else and then rang me and said 'if you want to come as well why don't you book it'. This has made me angry at the time b/c this is one of the ladies that I have become very close too but she recently let me down by cancelling an arrangement with me to go on a date with someone she had met on the internet and things have not been the same since. Anyway I digress. She had planned that after the drag show we were all going to go to a karaoke bar b/c staying with her was a guy we all knew from a differnt franchise of the social networking group and he loves karaoke. Originally I was going to go along with this but after the show another lady we all know joined us and she invited me to go salsa dancing. Now I love dancing (as i think you have all gleaned by now ) but I'm quite ambivalent about karaoke so I made the VERY unusual decision for me to split with the group I had made plans with and go dancing.

WOW, WOW, WOW. What a fabulous time I had. I've never had a salsa lesson in my life and watching others dance at this place was like watching professional dancers and I had intended that I would just soak up the atmosphere and watch. However I got dragged onto the dance floor by a complete male stranger. I explained to him that I was a 'novice' and so he kept the dance moves fairly simple but he wouldn't let me sit down again. I enjoyed the dance enormously but it became quite evident after a while that he was enjoying it for different reasons. He certainly thought he had 'pulled'. He told me I was beautiful which was clearly a VERY big boost for my ego but he was far from being my ideal date (even if I wanted to date) so eventually I made the excuse that I need to go to the bathroom.

I left this club about 1.45am. Just as I had got into a taxi I got a call from one of the guys from the original party I had been out with. He lives near me and we had made very loose plans to share a taxi home (as in if we are both still out at the same time we will share a taxi). Anyway he was ringing to see if I was still out and wanted to still share a taxi. I explained that I had literally just set off home in one. I did feel a bit guilty so this morning I sent him a TM apologising for letting him down. I also TMd the friend who had semi organised the evening to say I was sorry that I hadn't completed the evening with them but that I was happier dancing than going to karaoke. They both seemed fine with that. The guilt wasn't overwhelming and didn't last for long b/c my evening was built around things I wanted to do instead of what someone else wanted me to do and as a consequence I had an even better time than I might have done. This was big thing for me b/c my social life has always revolved around the plans of others and I have just tagged along. That isn't good enough for me anymore. I've got my independence back and I'm going to use it properly this time.

As an after thought the female friend who did the semi organising has previously left me to go on and do something different with others and I never even got an apology afterwards so you know what that guilt is getting less and less all the time. The one BIG difference with this occassion is that in my life up to now I would have let incidences like these tarnish friendships. This time I intend to take them for what they are see them as opportunities for me whilst still working on the firenships/Rs around me. Gosh am I becoming a grown up?

Today my parents came for the day. A while ago I bought some curtains for my living room and my dad came today to put up the pole I also bought to hang them from. I have been in this house ever since I was M (20yrs) and we have NEVER had curtains in this room (another convoluted story which I won't go into!). My room looks totally different and even though my carpet is also in great need of being replaced the room looks fabulous. What is even better is that I got a great sense of achievement out of choosing these curtains and the pole by myself whilst knowing that they were the right choice. H and I never agreed on furnishings and it was always either a battle or a very big compromise for one of us. It felt good not have that battle going on anymore.

thanks if you got this far for staying with me. I am growing for me and I LOVE it.