I haven't been very good at all about GAL. My 180 has worked better but still don't have a "life" outside of us. I get enjoyment doing the things around the house that I used to and doing the rest of the chores. Knowing that I am making W's day a bit easier brings a happy smile to me. The problem is that that is my life. I do go to the gym etc but really have not found friends to hang out with or something else productive to do. I have started to do some dog training but that again is common with the W. We don't do it together however the dog I work is at the house again bringing me out there She has seen huge changes in my personality that she says she likes. She says she doesn't feel anything for me and doesn't know if she can. Hard part for me is stepping back and giving her space. In my mind that feels like walking away and I don't want to do that. We have gone toMC.She puts very minimal effort into it while I have done every assingnment and homework. Guess she will do it if she wants, just depressing seeing that she is not putting the effort into it. Every time we have done what MC has asked we have made positive strides, so it works. Maybe that is what she is affraid of, is that it does work. Then there is the thought of the OM. Makes it even harder to walk away and GAL when I feel I am competing with him for her. She did file for D in July. It should be final in about a month. She seems to smile when I say tha I am feeling positive about us. She even shows some affection on the couch when we are watching tv or a movie. Even will feed me. This is all very confusing as her signals to me are two faced. Not sure on day to the next if she wants me a round or not. Divorce will happen its the next R with her that we are working on. She has even jokes about our next M and just doing it at city hall. She does have depression too and refuses to get help beyond meds. She has many trust issues from the past as well as with me. Every time she say's " it won't help". So that is another aspect that I am dealing with. I know from the past few months eating crow and getting help for my issues, anger-bi-polar-depression-anxiety, that it does help. I still have a very long way to go. Will be a life long journey. Would hope that she would be able to take that same journey. What it comes down to is I DO need to GAL. All of this trying to help her and worry over OM has consumed me in un healthy was. Thanks for letting me vent and for your ideas. B
